Hi everyone
I have a 3.4 year old daughter, who is bright, well mannered and has a group of lovely friends at school who she plays with nicely (no hitting pushing etc) However I am having huge problems with her at home.
She started pre school at around 18 months old for 2 days a week, her brother was at the same pre school full time, and she was so happy and content to go in, crying and grabbing her nursery bag on the days that she was not in. She loved picking him up those days and always ran into her classroom to say a quick hello to everyone. By 2.5 years old we had a really fun happy bubbly little girl. Then all changed when her brother went into reception at primary school. She knew he was no longer at the same building, and from September of last year she has screamed the place down when I leave her. Since September I can only count 2 times she did not scream at drop off. She’s now nearing 3.5 years old. The staff say it is ‘fake tears’ mostly, and she’s fine within minutes, or less, of me leaving. Daddy is not able to drop her off as he has to leave for work earlier, but on the rare occasion he has dropped her off although she does still whimper it is no where near the screaming fit she has with me. However she is like that not only with nursery drop offs. Bedtimes are horrendous when I leave her room and say night night. We always stick to firm routine. I bath her and her 5 year old brother, they play we read stories, then we put her brother to bed showing her that ‘these are life rules! We all sleep in our own bed in our own room’. We have plenty of kisses and cuddles and I tuck her in. The second I start to leave her room she just erupts. She will scream shouting for mummy for up to 30 min. We used to go back up to tuck her back in but coming back made her worse now I just leave her and she eventually goes back in her room slamming the door shut. This used to be 30 min but is now about 5 min- however listening to even that 5 min is heartbreaking. It is the same in the daytime if I have to leave her to pop out for even an hour. Basically any time we are separated during the day she will throw the hugest, loudest tantrum, begging me to stay, that she wants mummy and only mummy.
This is getting me down and it is exhausting.
Pre school have tried a few different things over the past year but nothing works, or the novelty may work for a day and then it’s back to normal. At one point she was really into her pull along puppy dog and took him everywhere at home, pulling him along by his lead! So we said she would take her puppy into nursery every morning where she would feed him his breakfast with the other puppy friends. Her key worker and my daughter chose bowls for the puppies with food and water all ready for her to organise and have responsibility for each morning, but the novelty wore off after 1 day. :( She seems very controlling of me too. She hates it if I give her brother cuddles or kisses in front of her. I love her very much and we are very close, however she has always been quite independent, sleeping in her own room and cot from the age of 4 months, going to nursery fine from a relatively young age etc. It just started last year and has got much worse as the year has got on. What started as her dislike of me dropping her off at nursery has now turned into me not being able to walk away from her at all, including at bedtime! She also will not go downstairs without me in the morning even if someone is waiting for her in the kitchen with breakfast she ‘has to be with mummy’.
I spend lots of time with her 1:1 during the day but it seems the more I do that, the even more attached she gets and the harder it is when I leave her. Nursery say it’s usually 50/50 she’s either genuinely sobbing for a few min or ‘fake crying’ for a few min. At home I don’t see the ‘fake crying’ I just see her face covered in snot and tears and devastated she has to ‘leave mummy’ by me asking her to simply go downstairs to start her breakfast while I get her brother ready for school. Her behaviour otherwise is great at nursery, she is an angel there and often on pick up says for me to come back later as she was having too much fun with X in the garden !! I’ve also come early or mid day to watch her in the garden or classroom with out her seeing me and she’s a confident strong girl who is thriving there- but with me she’s a mess!
I consulted a pediatrician over this at her last check up who reassured me all 3 year olds have tantrums, separation anxiety and she’s a normal healthy girl! So no help there. He also suggested spending more time explaining to her what was going to happen when I leave, and to also spend more time 1:1 with her which I do do but it has made no difference! Has anyone been in this particular situation before?