DD is, and has always been a bit of a Jekyl and Hyde character.
Depending on her mood, she can be kind, helpful, good fun and generally lively company. On the other hand, she can be rude, disrespectful, argumentative and awkward. There’s no way to predict which one we’ll get!
I try so hard to stay calm, apply natural consequences and follow them through, too often I end up shouting or smacking her bottom.
An example. Yesterday we were at the park with friends. She got silly and deliberately got food all over her hands and clothes (mainly berries, so it will stain). I warned her once, said that new t shirt will be ruined and have to go in the bin if you don’t stop. She carried on, said she ‘didn’t really care’.
When it was time to leave she refused. We are due to go to the park after school tomorrow, so after a few attempts I said if she couldn’t show she could behave in the right way now, I wouldn’t be able to trust her to go tomorrow. She sat on the swing, staring at me defiantly. I gathered up all the stuff and younger sibling and just headed for the car. She knew she’d crossed the line and did follow ... eventually. She then spent ages getting into the car, whining every step of the way, deliberately sticking her foot out so I couldn’t close the door, just general awkwardness designed to rile.
Once we were in, I explained calmly that she had been told the consequences of her behaviour, and now her new t shirt would need to go in the bin, and she wouldn’t be going to the park after school tomorrow.
She absolutely lost it. Screaming at me not to do it, yes I could get the blackberry juice off, she hates me, pleeeeeease can she still go to the park’. I tried to stay calm, explained one more time and then tried to ignore.
She took her shoes off and threw them through to the front of the car, was kicking the back of my seat and encouraging younger sibling (2) to join in ‘because Mummy is being mean’.
At this point I pulled the car over, took a deep breath, went round to her side and opened the door and told her to stop, it was dangerous while I was driving and involving younger DD was unacceptable.
She screamed in my face ‘let me go to the park! ’ I said no. She said ‘just shut up and don’t talk to me ever again!’
I smacked her leg. And then of course I felt awful and she had the moral high ground. ‘You’re not allooooowed to hit me! I want a new mummy! You’re mean!’ Then tears. Then ‘Sorry, mummy’. I apologised too.
This is an extreme example but happens way too often. Every couple of weeks perhaps. Usually I manage to stop myself before smacking, but in place of that ending I often resort to shouting.
There are always tears and remorse afterwards, and we chat about behaviour, and good/bad consequences etc. We always pick up and praise good behaviour and she has a reward chart where she can earn treats, but it always seems to slip back to this.
The trouble with behaviour methods is they assume the children just comply with the punishment. ‘Simply give a clear consequence and follow through - your child will soon get the message’.
Yep I get that, and I try ... but what when they throw things, kick things, flatly refuse to go to the step/their room? Shout and scream and involve siblings until you’ve no choice but to reengage in some way? There’s only so much you can just ignore.
This is sooooo long, sorry. She is 6 and I am a grown up, I should be able to get a handle on this. Anyone any advice?