4 Year Old won't share

[Bex1517]

I am absolutely demented with my 4 year old. (He starts school in August) he has such issues sharing or if his 1 year old brother picks up a toy that he's not even playing with he takes it straight off him. When he's told off he is such a little git full on strops folding arms etc. Is this actually normal. It's driving Me nuts. At parties etc if he doesn't win pass the parcel etc proper meltdown. I've spoke to HV about autism/ADHD but she always just says he's being a boy 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

How often do you share your things with others?

@SmartPlay what's that suppose to mean ?

I think it's normal sibling rivalry if he's like this with his brother more than his peers.

Would he share stuff like Lego or a plate of fruit which is easy to share? I think it's fair play if he has a favourite item or two that other people can't touch but it's his responsibility to keep it on a place where his brother can't get to.

Smartplay - learning how not to be a sore loser is something that kids older than him often struggle with. It's embarrassing if he's seemingly the only one to kick up a fuss but it's very common to cry after losing a board game (especially if a sibling wins)

@Bex1517 "what's that suppose to mean ?"

People often demand that children share all their things, even with strangers or children they hardly know. However, most of us don't share our "toys" (phones for instance).

@Bex1517 would he share with you? Maybe you can use sharing with you as a starting point and then expand from there?

@FindaPenny he shared a bowl of crisps with his brother earlier there was a few times he went to say no but stopped himself. The thing is it's mainly his brothers toys that he wants and if his brother picks up a toy he will go take it off him even if he hasn't shown any interest in it before.

It's naturally for boy 2 to want to touch the toys belonging to boy 1.

I understand why boy 1 might not like it. Many 1 years out toys in their mouth, could break it or wipe their dribble or bogies on their stuff. I expect boy 1 has a lot of toys that are unsuitable for boy 2. Can you keep boy 1 toys elsewhere?

It's good that he shared the crisps and stopped himself from saying no. I hope that he got lots of praise.

Smartplay is referring to the fact that kids are often expected to share their stuff with other kids in a way that adults rarely do. Boy 1 seeing boy 2 with his Hot Wheel car is like you seeing me with your phone - it creates anxiety because it's your "treasured" possession and you don't know if I'm going to be careful or cack handed.

Some toys are designed for sharing (say a box of Lego) where as others (say a favourite superhero figure) are not regardless of whether or not you're using it. To use an adult analogy it's easy for you to offer me a biscuit from a packet but would you be so happy lending me clothes that you aren't currently wearing?

I understand why it would drive you crazy (1 year olds think that everything is theirs)

As an aside have you taught the 1 year old not to touch your handbag or phone?

@pikapikachu hey, the 4 year old is the one that doesn't share the 1 year old hasn't an issue sharing yet because the 4 year old takes all the toys. But I understand what you are saying about mobile phone etc

I think a good starting point is to empathise with him. We all understand what it feels like to not want to share. If he feels understood he's much more likely to make a choice to share (because he will learn it feels good to be kind) rather than being forced to share.
Next time he doesn't want to maybe try 'hmmm I know, you really don't want to share that. I'll wait until you're ready to give X a turn with the toy because it would really make him feel good' it won't be overnight but he'll learn it's a good choice. Model sharing treats with your dh/a friend too.
Let him have a few things he doesn't have to share (a couple of special toys for example.)
He will learn, just try to make him feel understood and that he has enough himself and he'll become less possessive and scared of sharing.
Sorry this sounds a bit airy fairy but as an approach I've had real results from it with my kids.

Sorry one more thought. Make sure he has enough one to one time with you and his dad/other parent. Accepting a sibling and sharing parents could be the root of this.

This sounds very normal to me. Agree with the point that he is just being a boy.

I had been reading a lot on parenting books and recently read this excellent one about how to get our kids to say "Yes" from Dr. Daniel J Siegel.
bit.ly/2Y6KDaX

Following the principle of the book, I would say next time when it happens again, wait till he calms down (move to green zone), then try to get him to talk and find out the real reasons of him not sharing anything. Then try to get him to empathize with the younger brother and observe if this technique helps.