Biting

[mollymay]

I am just looking for some empathy really. My fifteen month old daughter bites me. Its only occasionally but it really hurts. She doesn't bite anyone else only me which is really upsetting. Sometimes she does it when I am not paying her attention or when I am giving her a really big hug. I have tried telling her off and ignoring it but she is still doing it. To be honest I am blaming myself because I work three days a week and feel like a "bad" mum because of it. Is she trying to tell me something? My MIL has her when I am at work and they have such a lovely relationship that my dd is hardly interested when I come in from work. My dh and my MIL want me to give up work and my dd's behaviour just seems to support their belief that she needs her mum. I feel so guilty but I love my job and its only three days a week. Sorry just sounding off because I am really upset at the moment and am feeling a bit ganged up upon by MIL and dh. My dd biting me makes me feel like she doesn't love me either!!! Any advice?

My ds went through this phase at the same age. It really is just a stage some children go through, and ds has grown out of it completely. He's now nearly 3, and hasn't bitten me (it was only ever me that he bit too) for nearly a year. At one stage I had huge bruises up my arm. I'm not quite sure why he targetted me, although I work too, so it may be an attention thing. He never bit anyone at the childminders, although it was only when he started there that he also began biting me. It could easily have been from seeing someone else do it. When he began to go to nursery, he stopped doing it.
I'm afraid I have no real answers, other than to assure you it's temporary. I use to deal with it by pretending to cry, making it obvious he'd hurt me (& sometimes it was b**y painful!), saying it was mean & he should kiss it better. Definitely didn't go down the biting back route as I think that lets them think it's okay to bite, if grown-ups do it too.
I still work part-time, & ds sometimes does pretend bites like a cat does. In hindsight I think it was frustration, possibly an inability to express himself properly.
Sorry for a rambling answer but HTH

Don't feel bad about working - especially if you love your job (that's a rare thing!) - you need your life too. You wouldn't necessarily be a better Mum for staying at home, as you'd probably feel resentful that you were there full time. Plus I'm sure that in the long term it will also be good for your dd that she has a happy mummy (who works), and has a good relationship with her grandma.
Biting is a phase which I think most toddlers go through. My ds is now 22 months, and has been biting on & off for a few months now. He started off with it just being me, then also dh, then developed onto the other kids at his nursery (who are also biting too!)
At nursery they put the biting child into a corner for 5 minutes, & give lots of attention & praise to the child who's been bitten; so that the biting child learns it's counterproductive to bite, i.e. they'll get less attention, not more.
My HV has given me similar advice - tell them off firmly, then ignore them for a short while.

I hope that this makes sense. Please don't beat yourself up about working if it's something that you want to do. Your daughter doesn't love you any less for it - she's just reaching those 'toddler phases' where you have to grit your teeth and get on with it (that's what I repeat to myself every day at the moment, anyway

Hi Mollymay. Cheer up and stick to your guns, kidder! One of my boys bit me and his twin regularly at about this age and I was not working at the time (and nor was his twin!). Kids are notoriously adept at saving their very worst behaviour for Mummy. It's a very common thing to test out the ones you love best of all by treating them appallingly- partly through devilment and even more because watching loved ones deal with your bad behaviour and continue to adore you despite it is immensely reassuring. [Small voice] I still do this very occasionally at 29 y.o.[/small voice]. I really would argue that she's biting you precisely BECAUSE she loves you and knows you love her- enough to take the pain and show her how to behave better. Working has precisely nowt to do with it, IMO.

DH and MIL seem a bit intrusive on this issue, if you don't mind me saying so. Surely it is up to you to decide whether you want to work and to you and dh to sort out child care arrangements based on both your wishes and what you feel to be in dd's best interests? Even if MIL is kind enough to look after dd while you are at work, she should NOT feel free to dictate her opinions on child rearing to you. How about suggesting to dh that HE gives up work because dd needs her daddy? If he is not enamoured you could then explain that you feel the same way when he pressures you to give up work. Also tell him you feel ganged up on and DON'T like it. I'd want to underline to him the fact that you expect him to support YOU first and foremost and, while you're at it, you could say that you wish to sort out family issues without the input of your MIL. As for MIL, it is really none of her business and she is skating on the thinnest of ice, I'd say...

I think biting sometimes comes hand in hand with teething. Ds has done this on and off since his teeth started coming through, with yesterday trying to bite his aunt (not hard I might add), then me then the leg of his little table. I know he has two teeth coming through bottom front with one yet to break the skin. He did like to test out his biting skills when his front teeth came through, especially while I was feeding him, but none of it has lasted.

Well said Scummymummy - agree with every word. Mollymay it is NOT your fault your DD is biting you. As Scummymummy says if your DH is worried maybe he should share the childcare and go part time. I also work 3 days and my DS has bitten (DH though luckily for me ). But he also comes home from nursery with a bite and accident book sheet about once a fortnight.

To look on the positive side of this if she was biting other children you would probably feel even worse (emotionally not physically, of course).

Mollymay, my ds used to bite me too and I was a SAHM, so it's nothing to do with working! Agree with everyone else here. It's a phase, it will pass.

Thanks so much for all your responses - I feel so much better knowing it isn't just happening to me...its funny how you blame yourself when babies don't act according to the textbooks...I feel reassured that it is just a phase and will fight my corner not to give up work...Thanks again for your words of support..

Mollymay I think it IS almost text book to go through a biting phase

My dh bites me (hard sometimes), and I am a SAHM. It is often when I am cuddling him, like yours Mollymay. I think that he feels protected when being hugged, and often the biting is when he is in a 'scary' situation, so maybe it makes him feels even more secure?

Don't know, sorry, but it seems like this is a common problem

Mine does it too - but only to me , never dh....grrrr

Chinchilla - did you really mean your DH ??!!Heehee

Ooops! No,ds.

Hi Mollymay, maybe your dd's biting is a a sign of affection (if misplaced!) esp as you say she often does it while you are hugging her. You could try saying "No teeth! Kisses are like this" and show her. Do you usually react in a "big" way? If so she may see it as a sure-fire way to get your attention. Have you tried saying calmly as you can "Please don't bite. Biting hurts, you hurt mummy's arm/shoulder etc."

Some kids throw things, some kids bite or pull hair - as has been said it's a phase they all seem to go thru. My ds was a terrible biter, and would often draw blood on his poor sister who usually bore the brunt of his outburts! His was more a case of frustration/anger as he was a late talker and couldn't get his point across! He has had his fair share of time-outs because of it, but he was older so it's a bit easier to do!

I agree with all the great support you have had here re your working/not blaming yourself etc. Sounds like you are great mum and you are so lucky to have the best of both worlds with a paid job you love too! Try not to pay too much attention to your mil and dh's comments. They are not being fair; go easy on yourself!

My ds (19 mths) also bites occasionally - both me & his daddy and we both work part time. I'm sure most of it is to do with teething as he also recently bit the supermarket trolley and chipped his tooth (not that this has put him off). I'm sure it's just another development milestone, just not one of the nicer ones!

Bluestar - my ds bites the trolley too!! Bleugh!