Leaving high needs baby to cry?

[Jadefeather7]

Any parents of high needs baby have any advice on how to stay sane? My 7 week old will scream the house down unless he is picked up about 80% of the time. I try to hold him as much as I can but sometimes I need to go to the loo, have something to eat, wash and sterilise his bottles or put him in the car seat so I can go to my mums and hand him over to her for a bit. Is it ok to leave him screaming for 5-10-20 mins? I put him in the sling every day for about two hours so I can get stuff done but other than that I don’t get much respite because he wants me to be constantly holding him and often will kick and headbutt me until I walk around with him. I wish there was something that could be done but all the reading I’ve done suggests there isn’t much, so my question is it ok for him to cry or am I doing damage to him by letting him cry?

My daughter was exactly the same and unfortunately for her I some times had to poo, shower cook and clean. This ment she was left to scream, at the time I had a lot of mum's tell me how they'd never leave their baby to cry but I honestly didn't see any other way. I kept taking her to the toilet with me but it I wasn't standing she was still grumpy. It's not ideal but I have yet to find concrete evidence that leaving them to have cry for short periods will actually do them lasting damage. Have you spoken to your HV to rule out any causes for the crying? ( fingers crossed it could be solved!)

Personally I wouldn't leave a baby that young to cry longer than a minute or 2. My son was a high needs baby and you never know if there is an underlying medical issue. I put him in the sling and wore him all the time, even on the toilet. If your baby has reflux etc they may be screaming as they are in a lot of pain.

Just to say, 7 weeks is peak crying time. Hang on in there. It will get better.

Hang in there, 7 weeks is pretty grim in terms of crying. It gets better. Personally, I didn’t want to leave my DD to cry so I just took her everywhere with me and learned to do lots of things one handed! Once their routine settles you get more time when they’re sleeping, and once they’re able to sit when propped (and not just fall over all the time!) they are MUCH better at being put down.

I really hope we see improvements in the coming weeks.

Is it ok to hold him and try to comfort him but not stand up and walk around every time (which is what calms him immediately)?

You poor thing, you have my sympathy totally as my DS was a classic high needs baby. Leaving him to cry never would have helped though and would have left him distressed to the point of vomiting and me feeling really guilty. Slings etc can help. Mainly though holding onto the fact that one day it will pass!!

I have a high needs baby and I don't leave him to cry and never have. I used a sling round the house when he was tiny and now I just carry him from place to place. I csnt even count the amount of times I've had him on my knee when I've been sitting on the loo! I couldn't bear to hear him cry like that anyway. High needs babies tend to have a very loud and unignorable cry... they like to make sure their needs are met! I've just got used to it.even at 8.5 months now I still don't leave him to cry for more than 30 seconds or so. But I'm better at pre-empting what I will need so for instance I use times when he is happy and chilled on his own to put some bottles in the sterilizer, or have him playing in his ball pit in the kitchen when I am doing that. When he was 7 weeks old though the sling was the easy solution.

Oh also re waking round with him... I just spent a LOT of time out of the house on walks. Unfortunately for me it was winter so it was pretty grim but you have the benefit of summer. Why not take your baby out for most of each day and then they're being carried around like they want? Don't worry about getting things done... as long as you are managing the bare minimum, that's sufficient. I've managed almost 9 months on the bare minimum and I woild have cringed pre-kids about this but now I realise household chores are not my priority!

I guess I can try to use the sling more than I am currently. I just hoped there was a way to get him used to being put down like most other babies.
Before he was born I dreamed of being able to go for long walks with him in the pram but he starts wailing in it after a while. I do some short walks with him in the sling but I can’t go very far because my back starts to hurt.

Ah I had that trouble. I really struggled carrying him around when he was younger. Ironically now he's almost 9 months old (and honestly enormous - he's 98th percentile!) I actually find him soooo much easier in the carrier! For a few reasons I think - a) I've got stronger as I've been doing lots of pilates classes, b) I've got used to it and c) I visited a sling library which helped me with adjusting it properly. The latter might be worth a try- either for adjustment or to try out a different sling!
A dummy saved us too. We don't need to use it much any more but in those early weeks it kept me sane. I hate dummies and swore I'd never use one... But I didn't know what a high needs baby would be like! 😂

If it’s any consolation my high needs baby (literally remember sitting on the toilet holding her in my arms) became the world least clingy and most secure toddler and at 5 is still so chilled out, hang in there

My DD was like this - swaddling helped enormously! It made her feel like she was being cuddled. I would swaddle her, give her a dummy and pat her chest to white noise, which would help her to fall asleep.

@surreygirl1987 how did you manage to do Pilates classes with a high needs baby I can’t do anything at all with him!

Ahhhhh good question!! It's a mummies and babies group. They do have a babysitter where most of the babies sit or lie and play on a blanket on the other side of the room but obviously my boy wouldn't last more than a few minutes there - certainly not a 45 min class! So I just have him with me on my mat. He's always within arm's reach of me and if/when he fussed I lie him on me or if I really have to I just stand up and wander round the back of the room. I always set up my mat at the back, behind the other mums. It's a pain in the neck and I used to feel really self conscious about being the only mum who wouldn't put her baby on the blanket with all the other babies... but it was the only way I could participate and eventually I just decided, screw it, life's too short to worry about what other people think - this works for us (kind of!) :)

PJLove80 thanks ... I love hearing things like that - it gives me hope!! :)

My first was like this with 3 month colic. Stopped on the dot of 12 weeks

DS was in the sling all day and asleep on me all night. It was hideous. Not to mention the constant breastfeeding

I wore dc3 in a sling every waking moment until he was 14 weeks (bar toilet and shower) As I had 2 other kids, I needed to have my hands free for them too. After that he was fine.

Google the Fourth Trimester. It's very common for babies to enjoy recreating their time in the womb after they are born - swaddling, white noise etc I understand it seems like everybody else has babies who aren't so needy though.

I really hope it passes by week 12!!!

@surreygirl1987 you’re lucky in my opinion- my one isn’t happy with just being near me, he has to be picked up and walked around 90% of the time!

Yeh he has improved over time. He's almost 9 months old now. The first 8 weeks were hell. I certainly wasnt doibg pilates before that!!

Hope it gets better for you soon @Jadefeather7. It definitely eases. Mine is nearly 3 now, was completely a velcro baby for the first 3 months (and sometimes after that!), but they all grow out of it. DD just waved me off to work after a lovely long night of sleeping alone (although on a blanket on the floor NEXT to her big girl bed.... not quite there yet!). She was incredibly high needs when she was tiny. I wouldn't advise leaving them to cry for long, I think they grow out of needing to be held because they learn the confidence that you will always come if they need you. Leaving them to cry might learn they mean the opposite, which I'm not sure is good for their confidence.

(You can probably tell, I'm completely against the "making a rod for your own back" argument. I fed my DD to sleep for as long as it worked for both of us, I coslept with her until she didn't need it any more. No tears over ending either when she was ready. Others find that sleep training is the way for their family. I say, do whatever works for you, kids are astonishingly resilient and the most important thing is a happy mum and a happy kid)

Gosh, I'm surprised to find I'm the only person to say they did leave their baby to cry sometimes. Not for long periods but sometimes I needed to eat, or get us ready to go out, or shower. Also sometimes I needed to put them down safely so I could cry myself and get a grip of myself. Holding them would not have made any difference as she screamed whether I held her or not. She also screamed for hours when I would walk around with her anyway. So it wasn't really much different as I couldn't console her regardless. I couldn't use a carrier/sling until a few months ago for various health related reasons so it wasn't an option for me. She's 1 now and still has the worst screaming bouts I've ever seen, but they are much less frequent, and sometimes we know what the problem is even if we can't immediately fix it (e.g. tired, or a bad tummy). It does get much much better. I hated most of the first 4 months of her life and then slowly it started to improve, she still cried most of the time until she was about 7 months when the scales started to gradually tip in the other direction. She has been checked by tons of HCPs and nobody can find anything wrong with her. Look after yourself too and take any support offered. I have a previous history of mental illness and I'm pretty sure the only reason I didn't have a total breakdown in those first few months was because of DH and the support I had from my DM, DB and DF in those early months.

Mine cried even if you were holding and walking with him. Sometimes spending hours bouncing on the yoga ball helped, but my back wouldn't let me do that. I would put him down and let him cry so I could use the toilet, put my shoes on, etc. (I tended to shower before he woke up so at least he didn't cry through that). I live reasonably rurally, so had plenty of half hour car journeys with him screaming in the back.

He stopped crying all the time at 9 weeks! I think it would have been 8, but his jabs gave him a fever and made him really cranky for a week (sorry OP, you've got that to come).

Hold in there! He'll stop crying eventually. Until then, do what you can for him. If you're knackered and can't bear the thought of walking around with him, that's fine (although a wailing, headbutting baby isn't much fun either). Just holding him means you're there for him. We gave him everything going - infacol, gripe water, gaviscon, chiropractor. The NHS website says not to, but it helps you feel like you're doing something (plus one of these things helped. Not sure which one, but something did!). You sound like you're doing a great job, newborns are really hard.

Oh, OP, I felt awful for you reading this thread. Sounds like you are doing a great job - it's so hard when they just want to be held all the time. You absolutely can put him down to have a shower, get yourself something to eat, go the loo, etc. You can hold him without walking around even if he wants you to walk around. You will not damage him by doing this!

I really remember reading Mumsnet when my daughter was very young, and seeing similar comments from people who claimed never to have let their babies cry for more than a minute or two. I genuinely didn't understand how this was possible and still don't. There is a difference between putting a baby down for a few minutes to allow yourself a bit of basic hygiene and abandoning them to scream for hours unattended. Rule out medical issues if you can, but, seriously, treat yourself to a shower/cup of tea/solo loo trip.

Sending you electronic hugs galore.