Retaliation - hitting back (or not?)

[jodee]

I typed a great long-winded spiel explaining the situation but deleted it - basically do you tell your children to hit back if someone hits them first, or that hitting back is wrong, they should go and tell a parent/teacher? Does it depend on their age (ds is 4.5 and just started reception); are they more likely to be the victim of bullies if they don't stand up for themselves or get into trouble themselves?

I'd never encourage hitting back personally, I'd tend to instead tell my child to say something assertive, such as "Don't hit/push me" and to make sure to tell me plus the teacher/another adult if that didn't make them stop. I think assertiveness of this sort is a much more valuable life skill than learning to bash each other. I never found in my school days that assertive, confident but non-aggressive kids were bullied much. Bullying, IMO, in schools, needs to be dealt with properly, and so I'd try to encourage my son to be open with me.

we tell dd1, who's this age, to shout "stop, naughty boy/girl" really loudly. it does often work.

I've never encouraged hitting back either.

The Reception teachers at our school encourage the child who has been hit to put out their hand in front of them (like a Lollypop person does) and shout "Stop, I don't like you doing that to me!"

My dd was having a problem with a child at nursery pulling her hair, and the nursery nurses told her to say loudly/ shout, "No, X, don't pull my hair", that lets them know what is going on, so that they can intervene early. Hitting back just starts fights, IMO.

I'd never encourage my boys to hit back as personally I'd worry they would get over enthusiastic and the indicent would degenerate into general fisticuffs.

Also hitting back could disguise the bullying problem. A teacher would be more likely to see it as a simple fight between two children, not one child being victimised by another.

I encourage my sons move away from the aggressor and tell a teacher. My five year old is better at doing this than my ten year old - different personalities I guess.

I've given my children different strategies for dealing with bullies, such as moving away (not always possible if in dinner queue as might not get any dinner!), saying very loudly "Stop doing xxx, I don't like it", not letting them see that you're upset (again not easy when pushed to the ground in front of a lot of other children, who are all laughing), etc. But I have emphasised again and again that violence is not the answer and they must never retaliate in this way, if only because the first incident is often not noticed, but their retaliation will be and then they will be the ones in trouble, not the bully/perpetrator.

Sometimes none of these strategies work and it is necessary to involve adults, but they mustn't feel guilty or weak for doing this. Sometimes a bully will only take notice of a teacher/other adult.

At NZ Kindies they say that the children should say in a loud voice, "Stop that. I don't like it." and then tell the teacher if it doesn't stop. We have always told DS not to hit back but the other week he came home from a play date at a friend's house and said, "X's daddy told me that if someone hits me I should hit them back!" ....
Stupid man ... Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Thanks for these responses, which is what I was hoping to hear. I want ds to be assertive but not aggressive.

Ghosty, the situation with X's daddy is what I'm worried about - ds started reception this week and is in the same class as a neighbour's child (X), they see each other a lot. It was collection time at school yesterday and DS, X and another boy were playing, I was talking to X's Mother. X came over crying, the other boy had thumped X on the head, so his Mother told him that he should jolly well have thumped him back, which he had done (in front of my ds). I didn't say anything to her of course, but both ds and X are strong personalities and tend to copy each other as well.

Slinky, I like the lollypop lady idea, so told ds to do that, and never hit back.

I had the same idea of discouraging my children from hitting back. However, when DS1 was in 2nd year of secondary school he was having problems with another boy. Although some headway was made using the guidance teacher there was the perception my DS was a soft touch. DH and I disagreed how to deal with it. I wanted to go through the school, DH wanted DS to 'stand up for himself'.
In the end we told DS to do whatever he felt was right. He thumped the boy back and that was the end of that. TBH, I wished he had done it ages before. My tack has changed now in that I tell my children not to start trouble but if necessary, hit back. And inform us and the school.