I am getting really run down with my childrens behaviour.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know they have had a lot of changes with the house move & the separation, and I know that they are still testing me to see how far they can push. I have tried reward charts, ignoring tantrums, time out, treats for good behaviour etc, but there seem no real improvements.
They can't be together for more than 3 seconds before they are squabbling, which is followed almost instantly by one of them wailing due to being hurt by the other.

With DS1 (nearly 8) everything seems to be a battle, even getting him to do simple things like get dressed or put his shoes on.
He is also answering back a lot and not doing as he is told for me, although he is better with his father.

DS2 (4) is very strong willed & throws huge aggressive tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. These tantrums can be caused by the slightest thing like you putting out trousers when he has his mind set on wearing shorts (even though it is freezing!), and he will hit & kick when he gets like this.

I have been on my own with them for nearly 3 months now, and I am finding it really challanging.
I am feeling lower than usual in myself after losing my nan, so this isn't helping, but I really feel like I don't know what else to try to make things better. I feel on the verge of cracking up right now. I know I should be the strong parent here, but I'm afraid right now I'm not coping well at all.

poor you, i've seen some of your previous threads, you are having a hard time of it If its any consolation my dc are behaving similarly, no extenuating circumstances, just end of termitis and stir crazy stuck in because of the weather. i think your dc are behaving quite normally for dc, don't go blaming yourself for the situation you're all in. the holidays are hard, i'm not a single mum but dh is away a lot so can sympathise. you must be feeling so tired and exhausted, can you get away for a while just for acahnge of scene, help with dc. sounds like you could do witha rest , poor you

It sounds really hard and I bet you are doing a great job. My DS (3.4) really acts up, ignores me, etc etc. The thing that seems to help is reminding him that we're a team and that it really helps the whole team to work well when he listens to mummy and daddy and does what he's told. Have you read Steve Biddulph's book "Raising Boys"? There are some good ideas in there.

what about a fun day out...it doesn't have to be pricey...a drive out to the woods, a walk in the rain (or wet den making, scavenger hunt..with a picnic in the car for a prize. sometimes getting out in the fresh air and running around together helps distract you all and if you have a laugh togther you'll all feel better.........now i need to take my own advice..

right pinkchampgne. the summer holidays have started so things will be different anyways. routine will be completly different etc
do they have their own rooms? if so, as soon as they start argueing, the get sent to their rooms. no ifs, no buts.
when tantrums happen, they get sent to their rooms. etc.
you are a wonderful person, i've met youtwice, and a good mom. dont let them get to you.

When my two are like this (they are girls 9 and 6) I wont let them go to the bathroom together to brush teeth etc because it always ends up in a shoving match...and sent them seperately to the shoe cupboard bla bla.
Effort on my behalf but stops a lot of the tension between them that can fester all day with one of them getting thier own back.
Also let your son wear shorts, put the trousers in your bag. If hes cold tell him what a NICE mummy you are to have thought to bring a spare pair of trousers
Try not to argue with them...if they have to do something say once youve got X we will go to Y or when youve finished tidying that up shall we go out to the park?
No? Ok what would you like to do...?
Hurry up and sort that out the simpsons is on in a minute...
Just say it differently and try not to lose your rag...easier said than done.
I would also implement a count to 5 thing where they do whatever your asking or a toy is confiscated, there and then, no grovelling getting it back for 1 whole day.
Never back down, never threaten without meaning it. And dont count in halves 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Any chance you can book them on some activity courses/days over summer hols?
It will get rid of some of the excess testosterone - and give you (a bit of) a break.

Thank you all.

Since moving into this house they have had to share a bedroom, which is all very new to them too. I do send them to their room (DS1 has been in his room for time out already this morning), or sit them on the step.

They are quiet right at this very moment in time, which is a relief! We are going out in a bit, which should help a bit hopefully.

Think I am just feeling ultra run down in general right now, which makes everything feel so much more of a struggle, and coping with the boys constantly challanging me feels far harder than ever.

Hopefully some fresh air will help a bit!

Privacynomore - do you normally post under a different name?

Yep, getting out is good, just dont go out with expectations of a nice day....that in my case leads to disaster!
And stick the computer/tv/playstation on and sneak somewhere for a book/cuppa/tea/phone call.
You time.

Charliecat - I have used the taking toys away for a day thing, and this works quite well at times!

TV is on for them right now because I need 5 minutes of peace!

Yes, make sure you warn them im going to count to 5 and if you havent done it Buzz Lightyear gets it...then it is thier choice to have it removed.....
I am taking mine to the new Toys R Us today, just opened today..I said I will get some money out of their bank if they tidy their room up.
One has said No, shes not tidying up for a toy, wonder if she will change her mind once we are there?!

I bet she will regret that once she gets there!

It's raining here atm, so I'm just waiting for it to ease off & then we are going out somewhere.

Boys went out, and they spent some time with their dad later in the afternoon, but the fighting started again when they returned home. DS1 was sent up to his room for time out after scratching his brother quite badly.
I feel totally drained with it all. Nothing I do seems to be making things any better.

Can you walk in the door and say "Since all you two do is fight one of you in playing upstairs for 30 minutes, and one of you down, then you can swop..." toss coin if needbe to decide whos going where. Or stick the younger one in front of the tv while the older one is playing, or one on PC etc...keep them apart if possible if its at the grinding each other point. Or lego on the table opposite ends, any fighting and its all going away?

I was a single parent to four feisty children. I found that there was a numbers thing going on - obviuosly more of them than me - and I had to get tough or was in danger of completely losing it.

When dd1 and 2 (especially this pair) would fight, I would take both of them, put them into a room and tell them that they could not come out until they had sorted it out - first bicker and they were back in - there was one memorable occasion where they were in the room about 5 times in succession. I would say 'Right, I have HAD ENOUGH. You are going to go and sit down and work this out - I DON'T CARE WHO WAS RIGHT OR WRONG - YOU ARE BOTH ARGUING. If you sort it out you get to watch tv this evening, if you don't, no tv. I DON'T CARE WHO STARTS IT AGAIN - first bicker, no tv, second bicker no tv tomorrow etc etc' Then I would shovel them into the bedroom and leave them to it. I would say 'You cannot come out until there is no more fighting and you have both agreed to stop it. DO YOU HEAR ME?'

I think you have to be very very tough or you will become a pushover quickly and you are already outnumbered.

Thank you both.

TV is a good threat for them as they are Power Rangers mad atm. I have stopped them watching their programmes as a punishment on a good few occassions, but haven't tried the putting them in separate rooms, or sending them to a room to sort their squabbles out.
I will try these methods out, as I am at the end of my tether with it all!

Putting them together to sort it out makes them BOTH responsible for doing so (you can never relaly sort out who was right/wrong/provoked etc!) and responislbe together for keeping the truce. I find separate rooms means often that the injustice thing festers.

Stay strong!

i used to be stitch

ggg's advice sounds good. I think you need to get a bit tougher with them maybe but it is so hard being tough when you're feeling drained and numb, isn't it? I'm sure things will gradually improve over time actually. Which is not much help at the meoment is it? Doh! It's just that you've all been through the mill and it's going to take time to settle into the new scheme of things, I guess.

Thanks for the advice. Sorry, I haven't been online much over the last few days.
I know I need to get tougher with them, and my tough probably hasn't been anywhere near good enough recently. I have been feeling almost defeated at times, which isn't good.

We have had a slightly calmer few days, but they have been quite busy, and also been seeing quite a bit of their dad.
I know the calm will be short lived, but will definitely try the sending them to their rooms to sort the squabbles.

It can feel very draining, and I think I'm finding being alone with them harder than I could have imagined, but I guess things may improve in time.

Like the name change, stitch!

Really struggling with it all again. DS1 is such hard work atm, it just seems to be one thing after another.
They are getting quite spoilt by both their father & my mum, and think that everytime they walk into a toy shop they get a toy.
Today I allowed them to look in Woolworths while in town, but said that we weren't buying anything today. DS1 kept chanting "Naughty mummy", and then refused to move once we got outside the shop.
I grabbed his hand to move him, and he was pulling at my arm & trying to swipe me with his other arm.
He apologised when we got home, but I can't take much more of this, it seems to be getting worse.
I don't know how best to discipline, nothing seems to be working.
Their dad is very OTT strict & I don't want to be like him, but I've tried reward charts, praising positive, time out, no TV (they are even worse without the TV as they get bored & fight), taking toys away until they behave etc, but there are no improvements. I have been reduced to tears with it all this afternoon. If they are not playing me up, they are fighting & screaming, and it is really really getting me down.

Sorry you've had a bad day too Pink Champagne. I don't know what to suggest (my dd has just turned round and said "I said no, mummy and I MEANT IT"), apart from the advice I got on my thread which was bath and bed early, and try and think about it again when you have a bit of space.

Thanks, and sorry you are having a hard time atm too.
Both boys have calmed down now thankfully (DS2 had to have time out earlier & was screaming in his room), but I am just feeling totally worn down. I am feeling especially low in myself today too, which won't be helping matters I guess.