is clingyness a sign of insecurity in a nearly-5-year-old?

[imaginaryfriend]

My dd is so incredibly clingy with me. She's nearly 5. When I go to work (2 days a week) she cries and stands by the door looking like the world's about to end. When I'm at work she gets dp to phone me so she can speak to me so she can tell me how much she misses me. Today I got home and she'd made me a picture and a letter telling me how much she loves and misses me when I'm at work. She's not keen on me leaving her at bedtime or at school and if we're out for a day with friends she won't hold anybody's hand but mine or sit next to anybody but me.

One part of me is very touched of course but another wonders that her need to tell me she loves me almost every 30 seconds sometimes is a sign that she's very insecure? If so, is there anything I can do to bolster her confidence without seeming like I'm pushing her away?

Or is this all perfectly normal and I should stop worrying?

IF I think it is very hard for someone who doesn't know you to judge the situation and whether it's indicative of a problem.

But it sounds like your and your dd have the most extraordinary bond. How amazing that she has this ability for such powerful love and affection.

I think if it is affecting her life adversely then I would perhaps consider it as a problem, yes. I would think giving as much closeness as possible is a good way to deal with potential insecurity?

Franny we have a truly amazing bond and we spend wonderful times together. I sometimes worry that she puts all her eggs in one basket (me) and feels she doesn't need or want anybody else so that makes her clingy - scared of losing me because I'm her 'everything'. I sound like an ego-maniac.

kamikayzed I would think that's a sensible and normal way to behave. Confident with the familiar, less so with the new.

No, you don't sound like an ego-maniac, just a concerned mother.

If I am remembering rightly she has some very visible health problems doesn't she? Do you feel this is connected?

sounds like a phase that you'll just need to ride through - she must be still quite new to school at her age and i think 5 year oldscan start to be insecure my friend's ds has started to cry out at night to check they're there and my ds has as so is different, but he keeps worrying about me being cross and is much more tactile of late. i'm sure the child development books will have something to say about this stage of life with kids, but i don't know where i've put mine! lots of praise whilst she's doing indepenedent things and cheerfully accepting the affection ?

I do worry about that affecting her. She's definitely been more clingy since it began but she's always tended to obsess over me!

luckylady, yes, dd's terrified of being told off at the moment too. If she has an outburst of rage at the moment she gets really worried afterwards that I won't love her any more! She just seems 'insecure' I can't think of a better way of putting it.

I would imagine having gone through difficulties together would make you all the more important to her. She probably is a little insecure. Is that very hard for you to think about?

I do find it painful to see her so needy. It breaks my heart sometimes.

Yes I think it can be very distressing. It is beautiful to see their capacity for love and trust as well though, isn't it?

Yes, amazing. They are such 'true' little creatures. Everything they feel they show so intensely. It's beautiful but sometimes hard to take. Or hard to think how vulnerable someone so honest is in the world.

kamikayzed, dd does that too! She says 'I love you, I never want to leave you' every night when she falls asleep. And tons of 'I don't want you to die' / 'go away' / 'stop loving me' etc. etc. I guess the dilemma is whether they're looking for reassurance or just expressing love.

Just seen this and my dd (also nearly 5) is exactly the same.
We have always been close and she tells me she loves me all the time, or strokes my face, or wants a hug every 5 mins, a bit frustrating sometimes when i'm trying to do something.
She also hates being told off or scolded and will apologise profusely if she dosen't see me with a 'happy' face.
I'm not too worried about it, although I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by so much affection, but try not to let it show.
She'll probably hate me when she's a teenager(hope not though!).

I've seen this kind of thing with my friends who went back to work when their children were young. My mother did the same, and I remember to this day blubbing for what seemed like ages after she left every morning. Yes, we have an incredibly strong bond, but after all these years I still feel like I'm trying to please her.

Take from that what you will, I can't possibly tell you whether you have / will have a problem with this.

I know that when my baby went through separation anxiety issues the paediatrician told me to play games about leaving with her (hide & seek etc). That gave her confidence about that I would be coming back, that leaving wasn't for ever.

It is possible that children feel abandoned and it is also possible that they blame themselves. It is also possible that your daughter sense of love is all-consuming and that she doesn't quite know what to do with it. I really don't know.

I suppose the answer would be to find a way that she would understand that she is a whole person without you, that you are separate individuals. How you do that I wouldn't know. I guess it'll take small steps to start with.

NL, that sounds very like my dd!

MM, that's interesting what you said about children whose mums went back to work when they were small because I've often wondered if the opposite, the fact that I've done very little since dd was born, was the problem. I work now 2 days a week but prior to starting school dd has been with either me or dp. She never attended nursery or spent time with a child-minder. She's been at her school as a part-timer for a year and as a full-timer for 6 months. So I wondered if the fact we've spent so much time together is what makes it hard for us to be apart rather than us spending not enough time together.

Sounds like she's going through the stage that smaller children go through when they start nursery or childcare.

I'm sure she'll get used to it.

Well sounds like that's your problem - separation anxiety starts at any age, it's just how the child goes through it that's important. If she's been with you 24/7 for five years, that stage is delayed just a bit. Have you tried doing things with her where you're just hovering in the background? How is she at children's parties for instance?

My DD1 is like this also, she wants to stay with me and says she likes me better than her Dad.
She makes me little paper hearts to say she loves me and also if i've shouted at her as she wants to make me happy.
At night she does get clingy and says don't leave/die ect...
Its very touching but she does get a bit anxious in new situations but does eventualy get on with it.
She has only just turned 5yrs old.
AB

Ripeberry, those things are exactly like dd.

I'm sceptical about the separation anxiety thing because dd's been going to school part time for a year now and full time for 6 months. She was always clingy. At toddler groups etc. she'd just sit on my foot! If there's ever been another mum there or my mum she won't hold their hand, even if she's with dp and I together she won't hold his hand.

She seemed to settle at school nursery really well, she never cried when I left her, that's kicked in over the last two weeks in particular at school.

She's incredibly reserved and hasn't really made many friends at school. She just wants to be with me. All the time. When we wake up on a Saturday morning and it's a day when it's just me and her on our own all day she's so excited.

At parties and occasions like that she's 50/50. Sometimes she really surprises me and will go off and join in with an entertainer or pass the parcel (she never does things like musical statues or anything vaguely competitive). Other times she just hangs round me, sucking her fingers and not speaking to anyone. I think it usually depends on how well she knows the other children.

This is really interesting as I've seen it in a lot of children before. I think it's more about being in control than being away from Mum. Separation anxiety is how it first manifests itself and later you see it in relationships with groups and peers. How is she when she's playing with her friends?

That's a good point. She does like to be in control. I think that's partly why she finds it hard to make friends. She's also perfectionist and fairly obsessive.