Attachment

[nurseyemma]

Hi, my dd is 10 months old and absolutely lovely. It's concerning me that she seems to be actively rejecting me in favour of dh, mum, aunty, mil, nursery carers etc. If dh hands her over to me in the morning she screams and kicks to get back to him and engages far better with others than with me. When it's just the 2 of us she doesn't scream etc. but seems quite distant from me and I struggle to engage her in games, rhymes etc.

I've NEVER shouted/raised my voice at her and always tried to stay calm and loving even when exhausted. I'm worried that she's heard muself and DH having some quite nasty arguments and this has caused her to become avoidant/anxious around me. The preference for Dh is so evident it's embarrassing.

Any similar experiences/tips v welcome it's breaking my heart!

She sees more of you than anyone else...hence is more secure and attached to you. therefore seeks attention from others.

My DD also seems to show a preference for other people, i.e. Her Daddy, Grandma etc but if she is tired, scared etc..she crawls straight back to me...that way I know she deeply loves and needs me, even if I feel ignored and the milking cow the rest of the time ;)

Sorry to hear you and your DH are not getting on well at the moment

She used to come to me in times of need but not anymore would rather be with dh. If tired she reaches up to him for a cuddle. I'm really worried she's scared of me. She goes MENTAL when I change her nappy and fights me off when I try to wipe her face.

things ok now between me and DH we have sorted it out but 3 months ago terrible rows and upset. Have madse a mutual decision to not argue in front of DD and try not to lose our tempers which we are doing really well at!

My 9mo ds2 absolutely adores dh. He's rarely bothered when I leave the room, but cries when dh does. When dh comes home from work ds1 seems to realise he hasn't seen him all day and cries piteously, with arms raised for a cuddle, until dh complies. It's quite surprising (our other two weren't like that - loved dh, but attached to me). I can't say I'm bothered. I'm very happy for my children to love their daddy. And it's very convenient that ds2 isn't distressed when I have to leave him, whether it's in the playpen or in a creche.

Maybe she's quietly confident when she's with you, and feels happy to get on with her own thing, so doesn't need to engage in the same way as she would with another person. Maybe also you're reading your own discomfort and anxiety into her. All my children would sometimes [play happily, pottering about ripping up paper and stuffing it in their mouths, chewing the power cables and so on, and not really want to engage with me or play games and rhymes. At other time they would want to engage.

And going mental during nappy changes and face-wiping is absolutely bog-standard at this age. Again, all 3 of mine have done it - or are doing it .

My brother's little girl went through a phase of doing exactly the same thing you describe, seemingly for no reason, and then everything went back to normal. From time to time she develops 'preferences' for different people but always comes back to her mama in the end..
I guess they explore what happens when they behave in different ways. It might be that she is 'testing' how far she can push you. Maybe it'll make her feel even more secure to find out that even when she pushes you away, you are still there for her.

BTW, well done for managing to not argue in front of her. That's better than I can manage..

it's great she's not clingy i.e. she has a brilliant time when with either of her grannies or my sister especially jsut when I'm there too she clings to THEM.

Am trying not to "project" anxiety onto her and just be bright cheerful and normal. Also leave her to intigate play, i.e. see if she engages with me rather than interrupt her playing happily on her own.

She sees both me and Dh equally at mo as I went back to work at 7 months. I have one day off every other week and really look forward to it as it's our time together. I hoping this will help her to trust me again.

I agree with BabiesEverywhere.

I was heartbroken by DS seeming to prefer DH over me. But now DH is at home and I am working, and DS is much more excited to see me than DH!

I think it is totally normal - your DD completely confident that you will always be there, and so she makes a fuss to be with everyone else.

I'm aware of my tendency to analyse everything ( I work in child mental health and think about attachment all the time)

I just hope I haven't traumatised her in some way. I noticed she used to go very quiet when myself and Dh would raise our voices arguing. However he'd shout too and she doesn't seem to have an aversion to him!

Always been a very anxious Mum right from conception, HV/midwives didn't take any notice. They don't round here if you're an educated middle class professional woman.

thanx for posts have reassured me

I wouldn't worry about it nurseryemma. I think its just a phase.Also maybe if you completlely just switched off regarding her affection and relax, you might notice a change, as she may be picking up tense vibes from you.
Just sit and back and relax and in no time she'll come to you for lots of cuddles..:-)

I have a 11 month old ds and he screams and cries when i change his nappy too!

The ones they are nastiest to etc are always the ones they love the most.

I think you are right to just chill with it rather than being so eager to be in her good books all the time!

We'll have fun on Friday if we go to the park. Unlike her mama she's a v sociable little thing, prefers to be around lots of people! I think some well known books/experts and some of my friends can make you feel inadequate if you don't play/interact with your baby in a certain way/time of day/length of time etc.

Like her mama probably just a daddys girl .....