Do you think bad behaviour is the parents fault?

[cleomummy]

Just back from holiday with ds 6 and dd 4 and have had a few tears over their behaviour this week. Mostly ds.

I feel like such a rubbish mum and like I ve gone wrong with my dcs. I talked to dh about why they behave as they do, he basically blamed me and said I must have let them behave like that, which made me feel even worse! Do you think this is always the case?

I guess children mirror your own behaviour and as much as a try my best I think Ds especially mirrors some of the negatives of my own personality. Or do you think it's down to personality too? Like a quiet, calm parent can end up with a Lively child, a shouty parent can end up with a well behaved child? From my observations what ever the parent is like, the child is usually the same. Therefore I am blaming myself because of my own negative personality traits.

For example- at the airport other children are just stood calmly and nicely in the line and walking nicely next to their parents. My dcs running ahead so I am having to call them back, arguing with each other about who is first, messing around, answering back and speaking rudely. Ds has an answer for everything and is generally extremely hard work. You have to ask him several times to do something, he talks back, rolls his eyes, says he doesn't care or isn't listening to any consequences. Looks me in the eye and carries on doing something I ve asked him not too and then argues he didn't do it continuously when I just saw him! I give them a talk about expectations before we go somewhere it goes in one ear and out the other, he is just so silly and immature.

Dd is now copying, speaks rudely and uses all the phrases ds uses, shouts and ignores me- a recent thing, she used to be very good but unfortunately she has an extremely bad role model in ds.

So is this a result of my parenting or is it nature? I generally think I am pretty strict, too strict in the past and so consequences and shouting seem to have no affect because they've had them all. Same with rewards- too many systems. But when Ds was 2-3 I was probably too soft as I had dd too and was just trying to get through each day. I remember a friend saying I wouldn't let my ds speak to me like that, behave like that etc. But I think I end up going on too much because it's constant if I picked up on everything

I'd be judging not on how your children behaved but (to some extent) on how you dealt with it. You were at an airport, where dc could easily get in other people's way and/or get hurt by trolleys. You know that they get overexcited. So what did you do to pre-empt trouble? Did you hold them by the hand (or at least the youngest?) Did you start telling a story as you approached the queue? Or give them a job to do? Did your dh?

I don't think there is any point in trying to evaluate yourself as a parent or even trying to evaluate them as children. Just get into the habit of foreseeing tricky situations and have a plan for dealing with them. If backchat is a problem, try to find ways of avoiding trouble that don't rely on their obedience to a direct order all the time: give them a job, get them involved. If they argue or push, keep them on either side of you.

I'm sure you're a great mum and this is just a phase you're going through.

Cory- unfortunately I don't think it is a stage, I think these are my dcs. I want to try and turn things around but fear it's too late. I look in envy at people who's dcs just wait nicely in the line, sit nicely or stand sensibly next to their parents. Why do my dcs have to run everywhere, moan and swing around everything? They have no patience. I felt like lots of the holiday was dh and I having a go at them about one thing or another.

I do generally have a plan for tricky situations, I asked dd to hold her own bag on her back for distraction, she refused, I asked ds and dd to hold my hand at points, they refused, I tried to keep them separate, they think it's funny to run away or poke each other and chase each other around me.

I probably don't deal with things the best. Ds is able to irritate me extremely easily and so we have a cycle of him doing it on purpose. I try and tell them expectations, give consequences and follow through, use positive language, they don't care, they don't listen. It just becomes a meaningless string of consequences that they don't care about anyway and me getting at them constantly, it's exhausting.

Does calmer parenting make calmer children?

They are still very young, there is still time. My extremely loud ds turned into a gentle-spoken teenager, the kind that helps old ladies across the road.

I think it might help if you tried to avoid phrasing your parenting as commands followed by tellings-off. Basically try to give them as little opportunity to refuse to obey as possible. -You are going to hold my hand, while grabbing the 4yo's hand, holding onto it and then quickly changing the subject works better ime with oppositional children than giving them the command to hold your hand.

Yes, calm parenting helps ime. Letting them see that you are unflappable helps. Letting them see that you are confident (even if you are acting) helps. Letting them see that what mum wants usually happens (even if it is because mum isn't letting go of your hand) helps.

My children are so different in behaviour, so no, it can't be entirely parents.

I describe it as thus:
If I drew a line in the ground (when they were your dc's age and younger) and told them not to go over it.
Dc1 would not have gone within several feet of the line in case she crossed it by accident.
Dc2 would have gone and stood on the line as the furthest she could go without being in trouble.
Dc3 would have run as fast as they could go over the line to see how far they could get before being brought back.

They're teens (or nearly) and this still reflects the way they go at things.

Witched- sounds like my two. Thanks that makes me feel better but I do constantly question why Ds behaves as he does. He's so bloody rude and argumentative.

Do rude, ungrateful and argumentative children turn into adults just the same? We try so hard to correct him and talk to him about it but he doesn't give a sh** and just argues or says we are lying

Where is your DH in all this? Does he just criticise and not help/ support you. If I were you I’d be setting up a ‘contract’ or house rules about behaviour/ expectations and have a clear reward system in place

@cleomummy, I think it's absolutely possible to have children who are your opposites and it's incredibly difficult to accept them sometimes if they are - especially if your own parents wanted you to be "good" all the time. I have three books to recommend you - parent effectiveness training by Gordon Thomas - goes into good boundaries, not being authoritarian nor permissive, allowing your children to have some autonomy and solving problems together.

On the importance of attachment, making sure your children know you love them regardless of how they behave. Being a calm force in their lives...the thriving child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.

Finally how to talk so children listen and listen so children talk by adele faber and elaine mazlich. It has pages for reminders that you can stick to your fridge so you and your husband can use it. I find it offensive on your behalf that he blames you too. Be a friend to yourself and make some time for you as well. Massive hugs.

Oh OP they are 4 and 6. Anyone who wouldn't have their moments in an airport with dc that age I'd be surprised to meet.

I'm also totally baffled about why DH sees it as your responsibility rather than a joint one, perhaps that's part of the problem.

Everyone’s kids are nightmares in airports. Everyone’s.

Are they? I see lots of very well behaved children at airports. Some children like to stay next to their parents and are quiet children. Mine like to run and be silly. We have another airport trip tomorrow- 😬 so will see how we get on.

I have however noticed a marked improvement in Ds behaviour recently. He goes through ups abc downs but this up seems to be going on and on. He said to me he's fed up of being told off- I couldn't agree more.

I really took on board what people said about him feeling unloved and living up to the negative attitude we have adopted towards him. I am being more affectionate and telling him what a good boy he is, really praising the good behaviour and his good attributes and ignoring the other things more. Dh and I have stopped labelling him, unless it's a good label, and telling him he's this and that and just letting him be. I let him calm down more when he's emotional rather than antagonising the situation by trying to talk or follow through the consequences immediately. I have followed the advice in the book how to talk so your kids will listen, and show more empathy. I have noticed the meltdowns are getting less and the moaning doesn't go on so long.

Hopefully we have turned a corner.

I can’t comment on older children but my two year old daughter is a little livewire whereas me & my partner are pretty quiet & laid back! No clue what she’ll grow into but she certainly doesn’t have our personalities at the moment!

I often look at our friends same aged children walking beside their parents our & about or happily playing in the park near mum & dad .. our daughter, off like a rocket, not interested in being near me or a playground really, just wants to run for miles around the park!

At things like airports, I have a whole range of tricks. Mainly favourite food. And an iPad! I see nothing wrong with some screen time while standing in a long & boring queue. I browse on my phone or listen to an audiobook so why do I expect my daughter to stand there for 30 minutes doing nothing at all? I pick some educational apps & download a few fav shows.

Is your boy into books? He’s possibly a bit young to read loads but would he happily listen to say an audiobook? Would he do some colouring when you are waiting for the plane? Or ask him to help his sister do one? Could he play simple games like hangman with her? Teach them cards?! Something novel!