At a loss with my 16 month old

[completelyclueless1]

Sorry in advance if this is long. I am at an absolute loss when it comes to my 16-month-old son and I need some impartial advice.

He cried constantly as a baby, then from 8 months old this morphed into low-level whining with the slightest thing tipping him over into tears. Then from 11 months tantrums started – and I do mean real tantrums. He will quickly throw himself back as hard as he can, if he’s in my arms I can hold him but he’s sat down he’ll inevitably smash his head on something. An absolute meltdown ensues, he screams and tries as hard as he can to kick me. He’s so big now, he’s 99th percentile and I can’t hold him when he’s like this.

The hardest thing is that half the time I seem to trigger it. He can be playing with his dad, his aunty or at Nursery, but as soon as he sees me he starts crying and kicking off. I know there will be a scientific reason behind this, but it hurts my heart. Every night when I pick him up from nursery he looks so happy when I look through the window, he looks up and sees me and starts crying and kicking. Me picking him up and cuddling him doesn’t help.

Everyone agrees with me that he’s difficult. I don’t know what I should be doing? When I walk away from him he doesn’t sort himself out, he just gets hysterical, he’s made himself sick before. But undivided attention doesn’t work. Nothing seems to.

I’m crying writing this. I don’t know what to do. I work full time in a very demanding job and I just feel I’m failing on all fronts. The nights I have to work late and miss his bedtime I feel relief, not guilt. What is wrong with me?

He does sleep well so I am very lucky in that instance. He also has all of his teeth except the back few molars, which I think are now on the move.

I had an emergency c-section and then a haematoma meant my wound couldn’t be sewn up so had to heal from the inside out and I was in hospital a lot – I think this robbed my of my first month with him and has affected our bonding. Is it too late to fix this?

Lots of people say he’s simply picking up on my mood, but I always start every day with good intentions and sing a song when I go into him in the morning.

Thank you for reading. It feels good to finally put it all out there!

Sending you a hug, it does sound tough, but it is highly unlikely that this is anything that you have done, in fact, from what you describe you seem to be doing really great things with him - keep singing and talking to to him, it might be hard to see today but one day he will thank-you for all these great things! :)

Some things you describe seem very typical and normal, like crying when you pick him up from nursery - they cry when you leave them in the morning as they don't want you to leave, and then they cry in the afternoon at pickup because they are having so much fun and don't want to leave! While very unfairly he might relate to you as taking him 'away from fun things' i.e. from the nursery, when he is playing with his dad, etc. You work full time, do you have time to take him to fun places in the weekend? softplay, park, etc?

How is his communication with you (and by that I don't mean speech which would be very basic at 16M)? is he able to communicate his needs and experiences with you? if he cannot communicate with you it will certainly frustrate him and potentially make him tantrum.

Thank you for such a kind reply!

I wish it were that simple when it comes to nursery or picking him up from his grandma's. If it were my husband he would be quite happy and go to him, but when it's me he gets hysterical and reaches for me, but getting to me and getting a cuddle doesn't help, he is almost angry with me. Nursery say he is very different when it's me picking him up.

His communication is good in that he has quite a lot of words and is great at pointing things out and sharing things with me and others. But the second things don't go his way I lose him. I don't want to be dramatic but it's split second, like a wall comes down and there is no distracting him, which is what all the books say to do at his age. He'd just throw the milk/phone/biscuit whatever I was trying to distract him with. The best thing I've found is to scoop him up quick and get him outside and bounce him around a bit. But should I just be walking away? I doubt myself so much.

Sorry you are having such a hard time, OP. One thing I wanted to tell you is that you don't need to be worried about your bond with your DS. Children tend to get upset and tantrum the most when they are with their primary caregiver. It may sound paradoxical, but if you think about it, it takes a lot of love and trust to feel safe enough to let your anger and fear and hurt out in front of someone. Your son is doing it with you more because of how bonded he is to you. I know it's still frustrating and difficult, but it might help to start thinking about it that way as it will be easier to take his tantrums less personally.

youngscrappyandhungry Thank you very much for that - it does help to put it in perspective. I had read that, but the reality is very hard! xx

Hi OP, my DD is similar. She's 11 months. She's probably not as bad as your DC sounds atm but we have ups and downs so she can get that bad again soon! She's always been this way, a crier. She cried almost all of the time til she was about 8 months as you said, but she started her tantrums around then too, so her behaviour is better generally but she does have tantrums of epic proportions. We find much of the time they seem to be related to anxiety/fear or being tired. Or both! She had an epic one last night when we were changing her for bed, I had to hold her down a bit while DH changed her because she was otherwise going to bang her head/hurt herself. It was horrible and I cried a bit but you'd think I'd be used to it now. Like your child she's much better and happier out and about, at nursery, with nanna etc. She's worst for me and DH. But I agree that it's a sign your bond is GOOD not bad.

MeadowHay that's really kind! He is a tinker but I wouldn't say it was easier when he was 11 months don't worry! He's bigger and stronger, but the tantrums are a bit more stretched out because he can toddle around and amuse himself for a bit longer, so don't worry there is hope! I definitely think he is better than he was at that age.

I've been trying really hard the last week or so to warn him of absolutely everything I'm about to do, and to give him a chance to think things are his idea. So rather than gently take something off him I say 'can you help my tidy up and put that down'. It seems to have helped a bit

Thanks for that, will remember your tip for when she's a bit bigger. Tbh for us we are constantly worrying because it's not just her behaviour that seems different from her peers, she is also struggling with food, she can't sit up yet, or crawl or cruise or pull up, the HV said her communication is behind too at her development review. So we are worrying about her (although trying not to!) but more because she seems to be falling behind with most things now. And then I just feel like I've done something wrong for her not be meeting her milestones :( also I'm autistic so obviously it's always in the back of my mind with her, although I started walking around 1 and had a huge vocabulary at 18 months and also had no problems with food and ate everything given to me. DD is definitely nowhere near walking as she can't cruise and she's only just started taking some steps whilst we hold her hand. She is a very anxious baby though and I think that's holding her back at least with movement. But then I feel guilt again that she's like that because of me, as I have GAD and was horrifically anxious throughout my pregnancy and obviously often anxious now around her :( the guilt is awful so I get that part too.

Oh MeadowHay, I'm sorry you feel like that.

I am a worrier too and I can assure you that if I spent anytime with you that I would come away worried about my boy because I would have zeroed in on the things that concerns me and compared, compared, compared with your little girl. And you'd probably have done the exact same thing your side! In fact its got to the point that I don't want to spend time with other people who have a child a similar age as I get a two day 'worry hangover' afterwards.

Someone with more experience would know better, but walking with her hands being held is surely a step beyond cruising, so she maybe isn't behind, just skipped a stage? :) Plus 11 month is still really tiny and young!