Strong headed toddler, please HELP!

[monicakey]

DD is nearly two and half and is becoming more and more challenging, to the point I’m feeling a bit depressed. She has always liked to throw her food bowl, pour water cups on the floor, ever since she started weaning. When she was very little we didn’t complain much, but now she is older and does understand that it’s not a good thing to do, but she still does it. And it seems the more we tell her not to, the more she does it, now she does it every time she holds a cup! We told her if she does this again, she won’t be allowed to watch peppa pig for the day ( peppa pig is the one thing she loves most). This morning daddy made her promise she won’t pour on the floor before he gave her milk, she promised, but after drinking for a bit,she again poured the rest cup on the floor. I was still asleep, she came in especially to wake me up and told me:”Mummy, I poured milk on floor, I have no peppa pig today!” And she left. It really felt like she is challenging me. And I don’t know what to do now. I have tried to tell her to pick the cup up and wipe the floor, she would just walk off, I tried to give her time out, she would just walk off and refuse to do it. I tried play pouring water in garden game with her to tell her, pouring is only allowed outdoor, she enjoyed that, but now she still does it indoors and the only difference is that she would say:” Only allowed pouring outdoors” straight after pouring indoors with a big grin on her face!!

Last month one night I switched off her peppa pig cuz it was dinner time, she decided to climb up a chair and chew on my ibruprofen package! She ended up in A&E.

Another thing she love is her pretty clothes, she also has a very strong will about it, if she doesn’t like her pajamas trousers, she would wake up at 3am asking for a change of trousers.

It feels like a struggle in everything we do at the moment. She tells us what to do, and insists in her way to the smallest things, eg, she would tell me not to hold her bowl on this side, I must hold the bowl on the other side.

I’m so weary of my strong headed LO. Could anyone give me some ideas about what to do? I know I should try to understand how she feels, instead of making it all a big power struggle which it does feel like one at the moment. I’m a first time mom and really have run out of ideas of what to do apart from getting very upset.

Forgot to say: I’m more strict in our house and daddy much gentler to her. So now she also only clings to daddy and wouldn’t let me get close to her, she would hit me with her elbow or shout “Mummy go away! I don’t want mummy!” So this morning, the only reason she came to wake me up was to tell me, she has poured milk on floor again and she won’t watch Peppa pig today, felt like a challenge!

It's so hard sometimes at this age, isn't it?!

I have a very strong willed nearly three year old so I feel your pain and I'm not saying at all that I get everything right, but here are a couple of suggestions.

I find that so called 'natural consequences' work well. She clearly doesn't care about the Peppa thing, and, in any case, no Peppa all day is a pretty long time for her age and so it might be too big to get her head around and therefore it's not having an effect.

First, I'd put all her drinks in sippy cups, with a lid on. 'DD, you're having trouble using a cup properly, so you have to use this now, till you learn not to spill'. I wouldn't shame her about being a baby or anything- it's just a consequence of not using a cup properly.

Second, what happens when she walks away from time out, or doesn't pick the cup up? I'd make very certain that nothing fun is happening as a result and make it very clear to her that's what's happening. 'DD, Mummy can't play with you now/turn the TV on/whatever because I have to clear up this mess'. And really take your time about it!

Alternatively, if you want her to help you clear up, then nothing fun happens till that's done. 'No, we can't go the park, we need to clear up the mess'. 'No, it's not time to play, it's time to clear up'. Repeat to fade. Make it very boring. It may go on for some time! I've done this with my DD once or twice when she's tipped something on purpose and it's actually only take a couple of minutes, and we do it together - it's not her doing it on her own as a punishment.

On the generally controlling thing, again, I feel your pain! Are there any areas in life where you can give her more control? Letting her pick clothes, an activity, snacks etc? All within reason, of course.

I find the Aha Parenting website really good for this sort of thing. And Janet Lansbury.

Thank you so much Rainstnight. I found your suggestions very good and helpful. Both parents must be on the same page and be firm, but need to be done more skilfully unnoticeable. And more positive parenting. Thanks! Hugs to you and your little one!

How are you getting on, monicakey?

Hi thanks so much for follow up, really appreciate it! I think it generally got a little better, actually started after that day when she especially came in to wake me up to tell me she poured milk on floor and she has no peppa pig for the day. I tried my best to not tell her off as I would before, and just let her go and daddy wiped the floor, but we did not let her watch peppa. And I saw something changed in her, maybe she felt she has won? She looks at me in a friendlier way. I changed the way I deal with her challenge, now when she does something naughty, I try to say very calmly, that she should not do that and what would be the consequences, instead of having a angry and telling off tone. And I think this way works better. If she doesn’t like to wear any of her clothes, I won’t get stressed, just calmly tell her “you didn’t like any clothes you have, sad, you are going to nursery naked, whilst everybody else are going in their clothes.” Then she changes her mind in about half hour and asks for clothes. When she does something good, I praise her a lot. And I generally give her more attention too. Because I kind of see a pattern, she gets naughty most of the time when she is not getting the attention and she is bored. When i spent a whole morning with her, with my attention only on her, her behaviour gets better. Lucky I’m not working this month!