Violent behaviour

[Buttercup987]

I have 5 year old who’s behaviour is becoming out of control & I don’t know what to do. I literally feel like running away. He is violent everyday & when I say violent I mean punching (even my head & face), shouting & throwing things at me. He’s not even a big 5 year old but he punches really hard. I’ve tried reasoning with him, I’ve taught him the signs of becoming angry so he can count to ten, he has a time out place where he can go if he feels angry, I have confiscated toys/iPad etc. He usually gets like this if I ask him to stop doing something I.e playing on his iPad. He knows he’s done wrong but then gets angry again if you try and force him to say sorry. I’m at my wits end.

Hey OP, that sounds really stressful. Is he at school and if so are the teachers reporting similar behavioural problems to you? How are other aspects of his development such as talking and motor skills etc? It might be part of some wider issue that is making him frustrated. Have you spoken to the GP or anyone at your local children's centre? I think you do need professional advice.

Perhaps he has ADHD?

That sounds really hard.

It might help to keep a record of when he gets angry, what's happened just before that, what time of day it is, whether it is close to school time, who else is around, whether it's near a mealtime, whether it's linked to changes to routine or being in a busy environment.

Also take a moment to think about what's happening for him. Is he trying to get something by this behaviour or just losing it and lashing out because he can't manage his emotions. A bit of both?

The best way to manage behaviour is to find out the reason behind it. Ask yourself and any other adults who are around him a lot, what could he be struggling with?

At school he is the model child & is one of the more shy children. When I mentioned to his teacher about it she was really surprised by his behaviour at home. At grandparents, he is also good, so it’s something at home. I will keep a record of when it happens and the circumstances, that might show a pattern. Sometimes I might just say something like ‘quickly’ in a non aggressive or shouty way and he can flip out and start shouting and throwing because he doesn’t like that I’ve told him what to do.

Im just very tired of second guessing how he’s going to react and if I’m honest a little scared that he’s actually going to really hurt me when he’s throwing things & punching/kicking me. I try talking to him about it when he’s calmed down but he then gets shouty again because he doesn’t like talking about it.

Lots of children with neurodevelopmental differences like autism are model children in school and express their distress at home where they feel safer. It's called masking and it can make it hard to get the right support.

Please don't assume the issue is at home. My DDs have AS and were both angelic at school but struggled a great deal there. DD2 used to explode as she walked through the front door every day.

@buttercup987 - my DD7 is like this - great at school, but explodes when she's at home. Just starting looking at possible Autism and PDA (google it - it was a lightbulb moment for me) - with lots of support from school. Don't assume it'ssomething at home that's causing this - as PP says, they can mask which means they're bottling it all up and then it all comes out at home. Speak to the SEN at school - explain what he's like at home. Get as much support as you can, and look after yourself as it's really, really tough on you.
Hoping you find some answers and a way to get through it x

Some children react really badly to being told what to do. Shift the blame from you. For example with the iPad. Put it on a timer so that it shuts down after a certain amount of time, you can use "screen time" in settings to do this. Then you haven't had to tell him anything, he can't get angry at an iPad. When you can't shift the blame don't ask him to do anything use direct language and stay firm. Eg instead of "can you put on your shoes?" Say "it's time to put on your shoes".