7yo terrified

[Surreysall]

Any advice welcome as my 7yo has become increasingly terrified of anything which looks 'scary' eg to do with Halloween (skeletons, bones, blood) and any sort of 'scary' character on kids' TV and films. It's now impacting her outside of and at school and the other kids are very aware of her fear which makes her very self-conscious. She's also now bolting from swimming pools as she has worked out that some tattoos have skeletons or similar! Likewise a local family pub which has scary pictures terrifies her - she can't walk past them - and she is scared of going into school when there's weekly treat time as there are skeleton costumes in the dressing up. She's now refusing to go to the local little kids' theme park too (which we have a pass for) as there's now a Halloween-related ride - she won't even let us drive past in case she sees the poster. Needless to say, at Halloween itself you don't see us for dust as we hide at my parents' where there are no trick or treaters or adults roaming the streets with fake blood!

She won't go to the cinema and is very reluctant to try any older kids' programmes - and I mean just CBBC - because of the risk that there'll be a scary character. Therefore shoots out of the room if we're at a friends' and an older sibling e.g. 9 years pops on the TV. Nothing will convince her that it's safe e.g. no scary people in it.

At school she faces away from the whiteboard and does some drawing when they put on a kids' film. Can't think this is good as she's sitting there scared plus it's making her stand out to the others. This year she sits on a table with other children with sensory needs e.g. a child with ASD - she likes this as she loves the TA who's with them all the time but, again, it's marking her out as different and could be making her feel worse.

It all started at school and they have been more actively supportive in the last year or so - she has a weekly reading and general confidence session with a TA and attends a session with a SENCO.

She used to watch Numberjacks at 2/3/4 years then, once in school reception, she became terrified of it so was told to sit in the book corner. The teacher continued to put on the programme regularly, the problem wasn't addressed and we weren't made aware of how scared she was becoming - just that she'd cry daily going into school, teacher was no help getting her in and only fed back at the end of the year how she'd struggled to transfer for one activity to a new, unknown activity.

Also possibly relevant was the fact that there was a very troubled child in her class who wanted to be her friend but who'd hit her (tried to mock strangle her once and school didn't tell the parents) yet they remained friends up until recently. Another friend from our baby group would also join in. DD definitely became easy prey for a few more dominant girls, one who was even being unusually horrible to her from the age of two, and, whilst we encourage her to stay away, stand up for herself, etc, it's very hard given the parents (some of are friends) don't pull their kids up on the nastiness. You might ask what I do - don't think I've done enough in keeping her away from tricky personalities but, short of leaving the area which we can't do for various reasons, we've chosen to stay put and work through it. Definitely the scary phobia thing is worse than friends' issues these days.

I know kids will go through fears but it's really getting in the way of normal life for her now as she becomes so scared we're desperate for help. In other ways she's normal(-ish! As much as most of us are), just shy, only child, possibly slightly dyslexic so a few things which could diminish her confidence but she's not anxious generally.

People have suggested psychotherapy and hypnotherapy - I'd welcome any ideas at all!

Sorry for the long, long post - trying to avoid drip feeding and this has been a problem for sometime now so would love thoughts. Thanks a lot

This year she sits on a table with other children with sensory needs e.g. a child with ASD - she likes this as she loves the TA who's with them all the time but, again, it's marking her out as different and could be making her feel worse.

It doesn't sound like it's making her worse. It sounds as if she feels secure there. It could be the sensory safety, or being away from kids who are potential bullies after her bad experiences.

Your worry about "marking her out as different" says something. She seems to have had social difficulties? It's very hard to pick apart what is cause and what is effect because being bullied will have made her insecure but also if she is naturally a bit socially nervous that will make her vulnerable to bullies. Does she have a group of friends now, or a best friend at school, or is she still a bit isolated anyway?

only fed back at the end of the year how she'd struggled to transfer for one activity to a new, unknown activity.

Is that still a problem? You say she may have dyslexia, so I am wondering if that's another aspect of it?

People have suggested psychotherapy and hypnotherapy - I'd welcome any ideas at all!

You need to find out what the issues are before you can jump to a solution like psychotherapy or hypnotherapy. If things are not improving for your DD then I'd suggest a chat with the SENCO and then maybe the GP, as these are the people who can refer her for a few assessments (e.g. to an educational psychologist, child clinical psychologist or paeditatritan) and then they will point you at the right kinds of help and therapy.

And I meant to say this but accidentally deleted it: Your DD may not always appear anxious but she has had a lot of worries to carry round. The phobia may an expression of her other worries and difficulties at school, as well as being a worry in itself.

Thanks, AmaryllisNightAndDay.This is my first MN post and I'm walking the fine line of trying to be succinct (failing there!) whilst giving enough info to avoid drip feeding and being clear about my DD's history.

she sits on a table with other children with sensory needs
marking her out as different
You're right - I think where she sits does make her feel secure. It's just a tough one as her teacher has said how the other children are becoming very aware of her and by that she's referring to her anxiety which is being flagged up a lot more this year at school as they are doing so much more to accommodate / help her (hence she's sitting at that table and going to physio, reading and sensory / anxiety sessions). That, in turn, is making her feel self-conscious but, yes, safe! So, on balance, best to stay there, I'd say, though sitting with other friends might help her feel like there's less attention on her. The teacher means well but doesn't seem that experienced which also hasn't worked in DD's favour - she talked to DD about something I'd flagged up (unusually) in DD's school book and DD had no idea what she .

she may have dyslexia, so I am wondering if that's another aspect of it
Lots of dyslexia on both sides of DH's family. DD may not be dyslexic but finds reading incredibly hard which definitely undermines her confidence. She has had help at school previously but is meeting targets. We try to boost her confidence as much as we can. Chicken and egg - had reception year not been so tough, she might be more resilient now. Or, as you say, she might naturally be a little anxious.

social difficulties
Friends is such a long one. I guess it's luck of the draw - small town and she's been a bit unlucky with having 2 or 3 girls who haven't been very nice to her (one from the age of two - well-known now at school for not being kind to other kids) and then, yes, she's become more vulnerable to others as a result. She has a best friend (though we avoid saying that - emphasise having several which she does) and another in her class who' was in our baby group and swings from being nice to not so nice. Definitely an area we are working on. Tried various activities outside school but as she's shy she doesn't tend to make new friends easily (though plays well if someone else makes the first move) and sticks to the friends she knows. Guessing she'll widen her circle when she changes school in two years and we'll keep trying new activities and spending time with the positive relationships she does have in the meantime. Quite sure if she hadn't experienced such unusually unkind behaviour at such a young age (local and distant friends would back this up, having seen and heard some of the stuff - I'm not being sensitive on her behalf. School also sympathetic) she wouldn't have developed the scary things phobia.

before you can jump to a solution like psychotherapy or hypnotherapy
Absolutely - we haven't jumped at any solution (and know there may not be just one thing). Interested in others' experiences though I know everyone is unique.

DD may not always appear anxious but she has had a lot of worries to carry round. The phobia may an expression of her other worries and difficulties at school, as well as being a worry in itself.
Definitely. Hoping that she is genuinely a happy soul in many ways - loves various friends, very close to family and isn't anxious going to school, gymnastics, etc, sleeps well these days, etc ie she's seemingly coping very well until a trigger looms (tattoo, scary pic) when she goes red, becomes anxious, averts her eyes and wants to leave whichever venue asap.

Having an update with the SENCO tomorrow and I'll also try our GP.

Thanks again

Apologies - missed the end of my paragraph above. Should have read:
The teacher means well but doesn't seem that experienced which also hasn't worked in DD's favour - she talked to DD about something I'd flagged up (unusually) in DD's school book and DD had no idea what she.... was talking about so teacher told me she said to DD, are you saying mummy is lying / fibbing? Which made DD really confused and she told me she didn't want me saying anything to her teacher again.

I'd noted in the book that [unnamed] parent of DD's newest best friend had said her daughter was upset at how my DD was sort of told off at school re her worried reaction to an Easter story video (involving nails and blood). I wouldn't normally mention something in her school book but she'd become incredibly upset when she fell over at the idea that there may be a fleck of blood. Never worried like that before. So I flagged it up but then ended up having to say to the teacher to please avoid repeating anything I've said to DD unless she knows DD knows about it.

So conscious that they're trying to help - and have 30 children - and DD glad to be doing the various sessions she's doing, she says but that was definitely a low point - not knowing what her teacher was talking about and being told she was accusing me of lying. Lost faith in the teacher but she seems ok with her now.

I'm so sorry - this is so long