How to deal with picky eating beyond the toddler years

[theboywonteat]

I am blessed with 2 wonderful children, DD (4) who eats everything in sight, and DS (8.5) who has always been a picky eater.

When DS was little we had various consults with HV & GP, read tons of online resources, books like My Child Won’t Eat & followed all the sensible tips like involving DS in shopping & food prep, putting food in serving dishes in the middle of the table, always including something he likes within the meal, don’t comment on what he eats, remember the mantra ‘it is your responsibility to provide a healthy balanced meal and your child’s responsibility to choose if he will eat it’ etc. It never improved what he ate but I guess it made us stress about it less.

However, we’re finding now he’s older —and can argue back— that the above strategies aren’t so effective and mealtimes are becoming really stressful again. DS currently has a fairly limited range of foods that he will eat at evening mealtimes & we are struggling:

a) to come up with meal ideas that incorporate something he likes,
b) for him to actually eat a reasonable amount,
c) for us to have a stress free mealtime without him drawing us into discussions about what he is or isn’t eating

He will eat:
-Pasta (with grated cheese & tomato sauce)
-Pizza
-Breaded chicken eg nuggets/chicken burger
-homemade macaroni cheese (which isn’t too saucy)
-plain pork chipolata sausages
-Some meats like chicken or ham (but often complains it’s too chewy & spits it out)
-Yorkshire puddings
-Bread

• cheese & bacon quiche
• baked beans

He won’t eat Rice/couscous, Potatoes, vegetables, eggs, Fish, beans/pulses, anything in a sauce e.g. gravy/tomato sauce, bolognese, chilli, curry, soup, stew, anything spicy or flavoured

Every day he tries to draw us into conversation about the meal before we eat - “what’s for tea, but I don’t like it, I don’t like the look or smell of it, it’s gross etc”. Mealtime feels stressful before we even sit down when he’s already decided he doesn’t like it before he’s even tried it.

At the table he constantly tries to draw our attention to him & what he is or isn’t eating by huffing, moaning, making silly noises, complaining loudly about the food that’s on offer or how it’s too chewy, tastes revolting, or he needs to spit it out. Or he’ll say he’s full after just a few bites.

We tell him we don’t wish to discuss it, it’s up to him if he wants to eat it or not & try to shut the conversation down or change the subject. It rarely works & I feel we often spend the entire mealtimes just trying to shut down conversation about DS and his food.

He has started making excuses to leave the table to visit the toilet repeatedly mid mealtime, this is particularly worrying me as I feel he’s doing this to avoid being at the table & obviously I worry about risk of formation of eating disorders in the future. We say no and he complains he is so desperate he will soil himself. We send him to the toilet before mealtime and this still happens.

We don’t allow any snacks after school to make sure he’s hungry enough to eat.

If we serve food from his list of accepted foods he will eat a reasonable amount but if we serve anything else he eats very little. Often his evening meal will be 3 small chunks/bites of plain chicken and that is it. My 4 year old eats far more than him and it worries me that he’s not getting enough good nutrition in his diet. He isn’t officially underweight but is not far off.

Then he spends the whole evening saying “what can I have to eat, I’m hungry?” Every. 5. Minutes.

We remind him he didn’t eat his tea. He is allowed a yoghurt and a piece of fruit but that is it (we were advised not to withhold pudding as punishment for not eating main meal but not really sure if this is still the best course of action going forward?).

The following morning he is so desperately hungry that he wants second & third servings of breakfast cereal to compensate.

We worry that this is going beyond normal fussy eating & have often wondered if his issues are sensory related. We know that the advice for sensory issues is different (I.e. serve them what they will eat from their accepted foods as it’s better than them not eating). However, school have been monitoring him for the last year but see no signs of any sensory issues whatsoever and say he eats well there ( he has school dinners).

I’d appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Does it sound like we need to see the GP? I’m worried they will send me away since he eats well at school. Or is this something we can tackle with a change of approach at home? If so, how?

Sorry it’s so long, didn’t want to drip feed! Thanks

it’s good to read that he will eat fruit. What is his list of accepted fruits and vegetables?
My 6 year old is a fussy eater. But probably has a few more accepted foods than your DC. He won’t eat any fruit. He will eat a couple of vegetables and so he has them often and baked beans. He also has school dinners although I don’t know how much of that he eats. It’s good that your DC is eating school dinners. Have you tried replicating them at home? What are the breakfasts that he has? It sounds like you are already doing all the right things. It’s a difficult situation.
I also agree with not withholding pudding. I’ve had some success with encouraging him to take just one bite of something. But I too don’t want mealtimes to be a battleground. I never tell DC to finish their plate. If they come to me saying they’re hungry they can have a snack. But that isn’t often like your DS in the evening. What kind of food is he asking for in the evening?
Yes speak to your GP as they may be able to reassure you and offer suggestions.

thanks for your reply Pigs.

Fruit he will eat: apples, grapes, strawberries

Vegetables he will eat: none. Absolutely none. Won’t even try. Doesn’t eat them at school either.

We have tried to replicate some of the meals he has at school but he just says he doesn’t like it or it doesn’t taste the same as school’s version. E.g. He will eat chips at school but not at home or out - says he only likes School chips.

We have & do encourage him to take a bite/try new foods but are wary of piling on too much pressure.

Breakfasts are usually cereal like weetabix, cornflakes, Rice Krispies, shreddies, coco pops type stuff. He will have a large bowl of that & almost always wants more. Or croissants/brioche/toast.

In the evening he generally says I’m hungry what can I have. Sometimes he will try asking for crisps & snack type foods eg choc biscuits but if he hasn’t eaten well at tea he doesn’t get those, just fruit & yoghurt. Occasionally some bread/breadsticks. he is relentless in his requests & it is hard to keep saying no!
We never insist he clears his plate at tea either, just that he makes a reasonable effort to eat some.

Forgot to say in my op We’ve started adding things like nachos or prawn crackers if we have chilli or noodles, just so there’s something in the meal that he likes, but then he will only select those & nothing else so is basically eating crisps for his tea which isn’t really healthy, so that needs to stop but then there’s no part of that meal he likes at all. What am I supposed to do - cook one of his accepted foods? Or just make him be hungry? I expect people on here would say the latter but everyone I know irl would make something else so then I wonder if I am being too harsh?

Looking through your whole list of accepted foods I think there’s enough of the different food groups there for him to survive and be healthy. Fruits and baked beans for vitamins and minerals. Cereals will be fortified with these too. Egg in some of the foods e.g Yorkshire pudding, quiche. Meat and dairy for protein and other nutrition. Bread, pizza pasta for carbohydrates.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sticking with his accepted foods. I personally would serve him what you know he will eat. That way he will eat and not need biscuits later. I’d let him have as much breakfast as he liked.
I’ve been serving my kids up separate kids meals from the start. Gradually as they’ve started eating more we’ve been able to have some more adult type meals together but most are ‘child friendly’ and separate. Some experts might say that’s wrong but I don’t care. They eat and they’re not underweight. They have very gradually tried more foods.
Maybe if he knows he’s going to get foods he likes on his plate eveyone might be more relaxed generally.

Have you thought about saving his tea and serving it to him again after an hour or so?

My kids are fussy but I was strict on the rule of not saying it's disgusting/making a fuss etc because it's rude. I know they don't like it if they don't eat much or eat slowly and don't need them to say it out loud.

I don't think that your list is too bad tbh and would serve safe meals on most days on the condition of no drama. Talking about eating when eating and the huffing and puffing would drive me nuts.

Can you make a new rule to not huff and puff or complain at the table? And if he does then send him away from the table. Save his plate and say he can ask to eat it later after you've all finished. Then he can huff and puff by himself at the table while you and your daughter and DH are enjoying playing a game or watching TV. If he doesn't ask, fine, he can go hungry (no yoghurt or fruit). While you and your daughter and DH are eating at the table without him you can have a nice jolly time laughing and talking about interesting things without him. Eventually he might decide he wants to be a part of that, maybe to start with by being at the table not eating but not complaining either. Then later perhaps eating.

Kind of similar to advice given to parents of toddlers out preschoolers who are well capable of using the toilet but find it easier to just wet themselves. You make it less fun to wet themselves than just go to the loo by getting them to help with the cleanup (taking off their clothes, putting them onto wash, having a shower).