Help me understand what my DD is trying to tell me

[BlooDeBloop]

I believe behaviour labelled 'difficult' is the child trying to communicate unaddressed needs they are unable to express.

My DD is like many other 5yo, she is a fussy eater. It's become a thing. I cook. She picks and finds reason to not eat. I'm not worried for her health - she eats all school dinners! - it is that relationship with food in the home. I can't understand the problem. Mealtimes are tears, moans, complaints, crying. Predictably she will only accept sugar/carbs. Anything else is hard work.

I've tried setting rules, tried not reacting just providing with no comment. Tried educating - we grow our own veg so she had her own veggies last summer. She's interested in food, talks about it, plans her 4 o'clock snacktime (). Now we've a strategy that on school nights she gets some nibbles while we eat - not insisting on meals. But it grinds me down.

Help me tune into the underlying reasons for this. I'm at my wits end because of the misery.

Would she help you shop to choose ingredients and help to cook?

I don't think she is necessarily being difficult. She may just be still in the fussy eating stage.

I think you need to be consistent in your approach. It's your job to buy and provide food at set meal and snack times. Its your job to make meal times pleasant. It's her job to decide if / what she wants to eat. If she doesn't want to eat that fine, but no snacks until next planned snack / meal. Do not try to coax or pursued her just leave her o decide if she want to eat.

She could be looking to gain some control over her life and eating is one of the ways she can get power and attention. So as well as the above I would;
Give her as much 1-2-1 attention as possible, set 15 mins a day after school for you to spend time doing what she wants
Create a decision rich environment, let her pick out clothes, help pick the menu for the week etc etc.

I thought fussy periods didn't last as long as 5 years, lol (I made a mistake in the OP, she is 6yo, not 5). I've done so much to include her with everything. She loves helping, preparing, cooking sometimes, and laying the meals out on the table. Over the years I have tried coaxing and 'if you eat this you can eat that for pudding' (I hate the transactional nature of this). Over the last year, we have a policy of 'eat what we provide' and not comment on refusals...but it's hard, really hard to not lose it just a little bit when she moans and cries she is hungry yet will not eat anything on offer.

She is spirited with a great sense of humour, and likes to do things with others (brother is far more happy in his own company). I wonder if some of the problem is attention. She has an older brother and it seems feasible she feels squeezed out. I'll take the advice on 121 time. Thank you for your wise words.

I was a fussy eater as a child until my teens. I just genuinely didn't like the taste or texture of most things. I wasn't being difficult. Obviously I have no idea what the situation is with your dd but when my extremely fussy ds is refusing everything except the same old plain foods I remember that I would often eat only a bowl of plain rice for dinner and turned out fine.

I'm by no means an expert btw just parroting from a parenting course I've just done! But the methods have helped with my kids and are meant to work from tots to teans.