Someone help me with my kids - in at a loss as to what to do.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I have 4 kids,

DS 14 (emotionally/physically delayed)
DS 12
DS 6
DD 3

They're a nightmare, their behaviour is making family life utterly miserable and every day at the moment they break me. I end up in tears.

The boys cannot be near each other, they roll on each other, pull each other about, wrestle, scream, shout, the older 2 gang up on the 6 yr old and all I ever hear is him crying.

The older 2 are crude, constantly talking in innuendo in front of their siblings - the 6 yr old copies.

None of the 4 of them can sit at the table and eat a meal, they throw food, make rude jokes, it takes hours to eat a plate of food when it's eaten, the rest of the time they pick it apart. DD doesn't eat anything at all. I'm not sure how's she's still alive tbh, she won't stay at the table.

DD climbs everything, in fact so does youngest DS, furniture gets destroyed as they jump and climb.

My house is constantly chaos, there's 6 people in a tiny overcrowded house, we have a small garden, they don't use it. The older 2 are in high school they have free roam of parks/town etc that they don't utilise. They come home and sit in their boxers on the sofa and fight.

I ask them to help with household hires and they simply don't bother.

I would take them out more to let off steam but getting out the house takes hours and they can't sit in a car without tearing chunks off each other.
We certainly can't sit in a restaurant or similar without me dying of embarrassment.

1 of them is always in bed early because of behaviour and they constantly have screens taken away because they make it 10x worse. No amount of discipline has any effect at all and I can't cope anymore.

When they're by themselves they are lovely, well mannered, nice to speak to and spend time with, as soon as there is more than one their horrible.

To give you an idea, at the moment there is a potato and broccoli being chucked around the dinner table (only big enough for the 4 of them) DS2 is talking about 'ballsack' and DS3 is copying him.
DD has refused her meal and gotten down, climbed on the back of the sofa and found a pen and scribbled in my diary. The living room is trashed despite me tidying every single day.

Please give me some ideas to make life better, at the moment I'm taking more and more work shifts to get away from it which I know isn't ok, DH shouldn't have to deal with by himself and they need happy family time but I don't know what to do anymore. They don't listen and however consistent we are nothing phases them.

Boarding school for the older two?

Erm, no. That's not an option for many reasons.

First of all that sounds hard!

I’m not sure if any of my advice will help but I think divide and conquer will work best.

Mealtimes sound very hard. Can the younger two eat together first and then the older two after? Bit of a pain but it means you’re not trying to crowd control four kids. Give the older two something to do while the other two eating.

You need to get the older two on board with helping you and the hopefully the younger two will follow. Take them for a chat on their own or together (whichever works best) and explain you need their help with setting an example to the younger two. Tell them what this means (maybe make a list of chores which need doing around the house- involve them in this). Could they earn pocket money for doing chores? Set a certain amount per day and they only earn it if chores are carried out. Don’t argue with them on this- they will soon learn to do the chores if they want the money.

Is there any way of splitting them up sometimes? Maybe older two could go out with their dad one day at the weekend and you have the other two. Or make some time for 1:1 with each child. They are all fighting for attention and are getting it any way they can. I have three and I know it helps to split them and do 1:1 time.

Could you get each of the older ones helping a younger child with getting ready for school/homework/ eating meals nicely? Reward for their efforts and praise any positive things they do.

Sort out the thing that annoys you the most first and then you can gradually tackle other things.

Is there any way of getting the older two on board and making them take on more responsibility?

Limit your main meals to 30mins, snacks to 15-20. After that take their plate away and there isn't anything else till the next meal/snack. If they do not remain at the table till everyone has finished they must go to their room. If food is thrown warn them you will take their plate away if they do it again because they are clearly not hungry and follow through. The offender needs to then help clear up afterwards. Praise the behaviour you want and ignore any you don't. It is very difficult to do but makes mealtimes calmer. Start a discussion about something else.

Tell all DC that any violence (real or pretend) and jumping or climbing on furniture will result in having to spend time in their room. If 2 DC who share need to go to their room at the same time the 2nd must sit next to you for their time.

Sit the eldest 2 down and have a frank conversation about what is not appropriate to discuss around younger children. Set out what will happen if they do.

Tell them they can not sit in their boxers, they must be dressed or in PJs at least.

Like Della I would like chores to pocket money for all.

I'd also take all screens away and make them earn them back.

I recommend reading calmer, happier, easier parenting. Have you taken any parenting courses? You maybe able to get some advise on them. They are often free, ask your local health visiting team.

They need a slap. What's happened to discipline?! Back in my day if we ever acted like that we'd get a beating.

I think the way to go is consequences for bad behaviour and lots of positive praise.
The above comment is not helpful. You have four kids- any one would find that hard!

My mother had 4 kids as well.

Yes Happy, because violence solves everything . Many parents with 4 or more DC manage to parent without resorting to physical punishment, myself included. Parenting can be difficult, especially when you have DC with additional needs whose delays mean they sometimes need treating differently to your other DC. Routine, consistency, consequences and praise will help OP to have a calmer home life which in turn will let other things fall into place.

Hello, An award winning TV production company are producing a programme hoping to help families to keep their under 5’s, under control.

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