I have no idea what I'm doing still

[thelittlesausage]

Hi
My first born is 5 weeks old as of yesterday. I have absolutely no idea how to mother her. I have no routine and no set structure atall . I have been breast feeding and due to cluster feeding I end up sat on my bum all day and night exhausted unable to think about anything else at all.
She struggles to nap in the day so I end up constantly feeding her as she just keeps doing the feeding cue all day long .
I massively regret breast feeding her now and wish I had started with formula to establish at least a feeding pattern if nothing else.
Please tell me there's more mums out there feeling like this?

I have as of last night started to give formula as a supplement to hopefully transition over completely. Not convinced she is loving the idea but she has accepted it.

I know breast is best and all that and I hate giving her the formula, and I do know cluster feeding is good for babies and natural , but it's beginning to affect my own mental health and it's really not good for me. I pride myself in how patient I am, but I have lost my patience completely and I am getting really down now and am crying every day nearly . Please no hate or encouragement to keep breast feeding , please can anyone tell me if they have gone from breast to bottle and how it went for them and the reasons for doing it ?

Again please don't encourage me to keep going as I have already spoken to health visitors and many other people for advice on keeping going and I just can't any more

Thank you

Hey! Don't beat yourself up. The first 8 weeks were hell for me. I has jo udea what i was doing either and it was terrifying! Still don't to be honest but those first weeks were daunting and awful.

My son was the same, feeding all day long. I finally realised he was exhausted as he wasn't napping and just wanted to.sleep... and he thought feeding was the way to sleep! He had reflux and cow's milk protein allergy which I think contributed towards him struggling to nap... all my friends' babies of the same were napping all the time and I couldn't understand why mine didn't!
Getting him to take a dummy helped a lot too. Before I had him I hated dummies and said I'd never use one... Ha!! I held out for 5 or 6 weeks then tried to get him to take one out of desperation. He didn't but did eventually after his tongue tie was cut. Oh yes- that was probably another reason my son fed literally all the time - he had a big posterior tongue tie that wasn't spotted for a month!
After 8 weeks I was beside myself and hating everything, and I discovered a sleep programme schedule. I can send you it if you like - pm me if you're interested. It explained the importance of napping and really really helped. As my son struggled with napping at thst point, we went for LOTS of pram walks so he could snooze. But after a couple of weeks of trying, he was napping in his crib... and now he's an absolute trouper (he's 24 weeks now!).

Don't worry about formula. I'm still breastfeeding but my son has such a reliance on me feeding him before he goes to sleep I feel like I can't even leave him with his dad! We do give him an expressed bottle once a day but he definitely had a boob/sleep association which is annoying. I don't regret breastfeeding him but I do see benefits of formula in terms of knowing when/how much to feed. For all the buzz about 'feeding on demand, I never did work out his feeding cues... these days I feed him before every sleep and when he wakes up from every sleep and that seems to be working for us.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but the time goes so quickly and it really really does get so so much better!! I hated, I mean really hated, the first 8 weeks of my son's life. But things have worked out well now. You are definitely not alone!!

Do let me know if you want the napping info... happy to pass it on to you.

Agree with everything pp said! The first 8-12 weeks were so hard and I had no idea what I was doing (still don't and DS is one tomorrow 😂)
It does get easier and you will look back and wonder what you were worried about.
My DS was bottle fed and still cluster fed, some days he'd have 15 small bottles so felt like I was always making bottles of feeding.
He also struggled with naps so spent a lot of time out and about with him sleeping in the pram.
I ended up doing contact naps which at the time I massively worried about as thought he should be self settling in his cot not being fed to sleep. We still contact nap but no longer needs to be fed to sleep, he stopped this himself.
Honestly don't worry, don't beat yourself up and do what you have to to get through. Personally I'd ignore the books and websites about anything to do with babies as everyone is so different and will all eventually find their way.
Talking to a friend about the first year we both agreed we wished we hadn't worried about all these things that seemed so major but now we couldn't care less about.
Good luck op. Xx

Oh sorry forgot to say I expressed for the first month as ds just wouldn't breast feed and it nearly broke me so totally get why you would want to switch to bottle feeding. Don't beat yourself up about switching, it will all come right in the end

Sounds so tough.. and so familiar to how I felt. Just go with how your baby is in the moment. You can't get a routine at 5 weeks and yes there is a lot of feeding. Try cuddles instead of feeding all the time, it's hard to get them to sleep in a Moses. A sling is also good.

Try and get out a bit, even if in the garden or down the road. Being in really doesn't help with how you feel... but the idea of going out feels massive, I totally get that. Milk on tap.. bf.. is so much easier when you're out.

I know you don’t want to hear it but this is totally normal. Your baby wants you and your boobs. Try to find joy in that. Routines are hopeless that early on.

It will not last forever. Around 3 months things will start to settle.

Get out for walks. Queue up Netflix or Kindle and ride the feedathon.

We are constantly told breast is best, which it is but honestly do not beat yourself up about this. Plenty of babies have been bottle fed from a young age and grow up perfectly healthy. I admit that I didn’t really give breast feeding a try, it wasn’t for me. Although I do regret it somewhat you need to remember that a happy mummy = a happy baby.

The first weeks with a newborn are hard. It feels like a continuous routine (well maybe not a routine) of feeding, burping, changing, comforting, feeding again... it will get better and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way!

❤️

Thank you so much for all the replies. @surreygirl1987 yes please the napping info would be very useful - I'm not sure how to pm via here but if are able to pm be it over I will take a look. I'm up for giving anything a try :)

We've had a really good night and day so far. I've been breastfeeding still but when we reach a point in the afternoon where my boobs are drained and my daughter is getting frustrated, I've given her a bottle. Interestingly she drank 120ml of it and then settled and went to sleep. I'm going to do the same tonight with the last feed of the day time after I have fed her myself and only if she is still signalling that she is wanting more . Otherwise I will be there for hours and hours and hours!!! I agree with the comment above that happy mummy = happy baby. I've been much more relaxed today with the formula top up and my daughter has been much more settled and happy.

I take my hats off to anyone who can exclusively breast feed as it is incredibly draining and exhausting. I was so pleased when I started and it didn't hurt and my daughter had a good latch, but I was no way prepared or educated to this cluster feeding thing. fortunately for us this is our first born, but if we had other small children to take care of , I literally cannot understand how it would be possible to care for them. I would love for an advocate of breastfeeding to come and show me how it's done , or I would love to watch how someone does it especially if they have other children!!

Hi OP. It's so hard isn't it! Everything you're describing is normal it's just no one told you about it eh? I felt exactly the same with my first, I was so embarrassed by my crap mothering skills which just involved feeding the baby to make her shut up because I had no other ideas and nothing else worked as well.

Now looking back I understand that This Is How breastfeeding works and everything I thought I was doing wrong was actually what the baby needed. It's terribly gruelling isn't it though? I have 3 children now and my youngest is just turned 1 and I'm so happy to be getting out of the really hard baby stage for the last time. I have breastfed them all but don't ask me how - every time it was a case of constantly feeding in the early days. It doesn't last though, which is the only reason anyone manages it at all.

A bottle of formula, a dummy are definitely things to try and really do help. The other thing I'd add is a wrap sling to give you a break between feeds and get anything done. The baby will not be impressed first time she goes in but stick her in there after every feed and walk around til she settles. Should give you a break.

You are doing all the right things.