how do you solve a problem like............my daughter!

chocolatemummy · 2007-07-10T19:18:29+00:00

she is 3yrs 8 months and she has always been on the challenging side but lately she has been terrible, blowing raspberries in my face when im telling her off, hitting me and daddy, running off on te road when we tell her to stay by us just generally naughty and no matter how much I tell her off or at extremes smack her it makes no difference. I work full time and when I get home I just wanna have fun and cuddle and play not scream and shout and put her to bed.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 10/07/2007 20:23

I have had great advice and support from hr in the past an need a little pick up after an awful evening with her

OP posts:

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:23

What happened this evening?
Have you got How To Talk So Kids Will listen (a book)?

oliveoil · 10/07/2007 20:25

what time do you get home?

I get in at 5pm and tbh the following 2 hours are usually a whinge fest and a test of my patience

children + tiredness = foul (imo)

agree with Aloha on book btw

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 10/07/2007 20:30

no havent got it, got so many in the past, is it worth it then? yes I get home about 5 and yes it is a couple of hours of battling and then i am more exhausted than her

tonight she wouldnt eat dinner, wanted to watch wonderpets but it wasnt on and she became absolutely disraught and wouldnt listen to either of u rolling around on the floor crying for wonder pets, then she got up and started knocking the ining table knocked drink over, we gave up eating dinner put her in her room, after lots of her hitting me and screaming making me feel totally crap she as now cried herself to sleep

OP posts:

oliveoil · 10/07/2007 20:40

I work 3 days and do very easy teas for them both at about 5ish (we eat later at 7pm)

pasta, sandwiches, potatoes & chicken and veg, pitta and houmous, etc etc

then if they are very tired, I miss the bath out. This gives you 20 mins extra to play or watch tv. And I find that if they are really grumpy, getting them in and out of the bath, picking pyjamas and towels - I DON'T WANT THE PINK ONES ARRRRGHHHHHH - it just creates more chances of meltdowns.

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 10/07/2007 20:44

I want to eat altogether at the end of the day as I dont see her all day but guess it jus isnt practical, and the fact that its light so late is a nightmare as she seems to think we are making it up when we say is night time and the battles start

OP posts:

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:45

really recommend the book. ie re the Wonderpets scenario, instead of 'well it's not on' 'waaaaaah' 'stop being so silly' 'waaaaah' repeat to the point of hysteria, you can say:

'You sound really upset about Wonderpets'
'waaaah'
'I bet you were really looking forward to seeing Wonderpets'
'waa...yes...sob'
'It's one of your favourite progammes and now it's not on!'
'yes...it's not fair'
'I know you love Wonderpets and you feel really sad and cross now'
'sob, gulp, yes'
'If I could change the telly so Wonderpets was on right now, I'd do that'
'interested silence'
'In fact, I'd make sure Wonderpets was on ALL THE TIME! If I was magic and could do magic, I'd make sure it was always your favourite episode'
'that's a bit silly mummy'
'Yes, I suppose it is'
'anyway, I'm hungry I want my tea'
'OK'

oliveoil · 10/07/2007 20:48

what is your time plan from the moment you get in?

mine is

5ish home
5.20 tea on the table, I sit with them and have a cup of tea and discuss their day (in fact usually saying SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE 20 times)
6.00 bath and back downstairs
6.30 Wonderpets (!!)
7.00 dd2 up to bed first, then dd1

7.15 downstairs for my dinner which dh has been rustling up in spits and spats through the evening

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 10/07/2007 20:48

lol, wow you should do training in it
where can I get this book?

OP posts:

compo · 10/07/2007 20:51

do you think if she doesn't see you much in the week she is just trying to get your attention? Have you tried ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the good?

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:53

Amazon. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It is good. I mean it's not infallible, but it's very good.
You can have fun with it too...ie
'If I had all the money in the world I would call the people on Wonderpets and get them to come to our house and do the programme here, with all the animals and everything in our living room! We could have a horse in the corner, and move the sofa to fit the dogs in...I'd like to see a performing gerbil best etc. We'd have to make sure the horse didn't poo on the rug though." (don't watch Wonderpets so this could all be nonsense, but you get the picture'
And the end of the day is often fraught for everyone at this sort of age.

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:53

Amazon. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It is good. I mean it's not infallible, but it's very good.
You can have fun with it too...ie
'If I had all the money in the world I would call the people on Wonderpets and get them to come to our house and do the programme here, with all the animals and everything in our living room! We could have a horse in the corner, and move the sofa to fit the dogs in...I'd like to see a performing gerbil best etc. We'd have to make sure the horse didn't poo on the rug though." (don't watch Wonderpets so this could all be nonsense, but you get the picture'
And the end of the day is often fraught for everyone at this sort of age.

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:54

I do think if telling off is not working, it's time for another approach, or a long holiday, one of the two

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 10/07/2007 20:56

yes, tried ignoring bad behaviour but she just seems to be sending more and more time in her room now and I see hr even less. Going to get that book defo and the routine thing sounds great, DH gets home at same time every night and collects her from nursery.
at the moment routine has been I get home as soon as I can anytime btwen 4pm and 8pm (although thats not too ofetn) I make sure one of us play with her- reads, puzzles, watches a programme or computer etc and then we all sit for tea at 6.45-7.30 (god willing)and she usually goes to bed about 8 if she hasn't fallen asleep before, so not much routine really

OP posts:

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:57

Think tea is too late tbh.

aloha · 10/07/2007 20:58

I'd do tea 5.30ish and bed by 7.30pm at latest if you can. For your own sanity!

Original poster

chocolatemummy · 10/07/2007 20:59

yes I know its not always then it depends when get home but just said t dh he needs to do it earlier, same time each night becaaue i cant guarantee to be here, she needs clockwork approach from us both

OP posts:

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 10/07/2007 21:17

aloha can you come and train me how to deal with my 2.8yo please????

aloha · 10/07/2007 22:55

2.8 is difficult - I know, my dd is 2.5!

oliveoil · 11/07/2007 09:14

sorry, had to go last night and deal with dd2, she has just gone into a bed and is a houdini and keeps escaping

what time does your dh get home with her every day? I would suggest (instruct!) him to prepare the tea at the same time every day, basic easy stuff as I suggested earlier

then when you get in she is already fed - imo if they are tired AND hungry they are a nightmare

then you are free to play/watch tv/computer or whatever until she goes to bed

if you are going to be late home, suggest to dh that he does the bath as well

you and dh eat in peace later

can you reduce your hours at all?

at weekends we always eat together, but on the 3 days I work it is better for my sanity and less of a rush job, to eat separately

book

bozza · 11/07/2007 09:34

I suspect she is over tired and not getting enough sleep. I assume she doesn't nap at nursery any more? What time does she get up?

DD is 3 and goes to nursery on the 3 days that I work, and is in bed from 7.30 until 7 but still very tired. On the other days she will often have a two hour nap and still do the 11.5 hours at night. Can she have a nap at weekend?

I think her tea does sound quite late. We used to (before 6yo DS started doing activities) all sit down together at about 6 pm and eat. But DD will already have had her tea at nursery at about 3.45, so she will often just have a bowl of strawberries or a yoghurt although sometimes she likes the look of what we are having. At this age DS would have his nursery tea, and then sit down for a full dinner with us but DD doesn't have that kind of appetite.

I find DD worse if we miss her bath tbh. It seems to help her calm down, but then bizarrely when she gets out she runs around like a mad thing. But usually she will settle to bed much easier after a bath.

jackie2kids · 11/07/2007 12:58

I also agree re bring tea forward. Mine are always a struggle until they've had tea (even if they don't seem to eat much) then settle down more after.

Also mine often don't want to play with me straight away, prefer to watch TV or play alone for a while. Need to come round a bit after nursery I think.

Tatat · 11/07/2007 13:26

I work too and know how awful it can make you feel when all you want to do is have some nice time with them when you get home, that precious 1.5hrs in our house used to be very very fraught. And still is sometimes. I wanted quality time in soft-focus when what I got was an hour and a half of crying and whinging from ds which made me feel very deflated.
Can't find the threads now but there were a couple of good ones with useful experience from others a while back.

Me & DS, and DH get home at about the same time 6.30 and bed time begins then. Quiet time/talking about our day together/bit of "in the night garden" maybe (no housework no chores just in the house get changed talk to ds) Upstairs at 7 for a bath cuddle story milk bed at 7.30. (Thats the theory. We do the bath about 3 times a week tbh)

Best advice I had was to let ds take the lead in what quiet time he wanted and to leave all other activities until after he's in bed, i.e. focus on him and leave dinner prep etc. He knows that running about/hyper games are out, sofa-based activities are ok (puzzles, books, talking, even just snuggling up under his blankie together watching tv) but if he doesn't want to chat we don't try and force him just because we want to. He's knackered and I was trying to have all this lovely time with him but all he really wanted to do was chill out cos nursery tires him out so much.

Agree with another suggestion, is there any way you can change your working hours to spend more time with him? I ended up condensing my hours into 4 days so I get a whole day with him and it's worked brilliantly. Not so much pressure to have "family time" in the tiny window post nursery/pre bedtime.

Good luck.

AUBINA · 11/07/2007 13:34

I used to be a live in nanny and the child used to play up as soon as the parents got home. I found having her in the bath when they arrived home gave everyone some breathing space. If your husband has her in the bath when you get home, you can pop in, say hello, then go and get changed, make a cup of tea etc. Then you'll both be relaxed after her bath. Ideally I'd give her her tea before her bath.