6/7 year old behaviour WWYD?

[Blowfishies]

He’s a nightmare! Doesn’t listen, kicks off if he doesn’t get his own way, says inappropriate things. I’ve just had a message off his teacher saying he called a girl fat yesterday(it’s taken this girl all year to be brave enough to get changed with everyone else, now she’s really upset) and today he’s smacked another kid on the bottom.
His younger brother is goingthe same way because he sees him behaving like this. They’re impossible together. I don’t like them sometimes when they’re like this and I just feel defeated.
His birthday is coming up and I just feel like cancelling everything!
I’m so angry with him! He’s missed his playtimes today, but I don’t think it’s enough.
WWYD?

Bump

You need to try to work out what's triggering the behaviour.

Does he know that what he's saying is inappropriate? Is he aware that calling another child fat would be upsetting? I know it should be obvious by my DD2 has ASD and didn't know that at a similar age.

When you think he's kicking off because he doesn't get his own way, what sort of things are they? Is it when he expects something to happen and then it doesn't? Are there times, places or activities where it happens more?

My DD2 can get upset when plans are changed but it's the change, rather than not getting to do something she likes that causes the distress.

There's no point in trying to address the behaviour until you properly understand it. Ask school to observe him and try to identify triggers too.

School have already referred him for assessments for ADD etc. I’m still learning the terminology. So we’ll see what that throws up.
His teacher said when she told him off, he just didn’t look bothered. Wasn’t bothered that he was missing his playtimes. It’s like he’s immune to discipline!
Me and DH have had a blazing row tonight too. I just feel broken.
I couldn’t pinpoint an actual trigger. One example ‘can I watch YouTube?’ ‘No’. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because you know we don’t like you watching that’. He won’t just take no for an answer though he keeps on and on and on. He doesn’t have an off switch!! Neither of them do!

Try keeping a diary. Record the time, what else he has done that day, the lead-up to each episode, etc. See if any patterns reveal themselves.

How is he with other people so after school clubs etc?

If he goes on and on do you give in? Even occasionally? If you do so sometimes he will keep on because sometimes it works. My dd also doesn't really listen and is quite direct I have never given in to pestering and it has taken ages (years) but now when I say no she might stamp her foot once and make this little grumbly noise but then she quickly moves on. If you are being consistent then keep going he will realise that what you say goes eventually.