Help me process my DS behaviour

[lostinthoughts]

I can't shake the feeling that my eldest DS has something wrong with him. I have 3 DC's and have always battled with thoughts that I love him more than the younger two (which obviously isn't true) but I think I have distinguished it to be the fact I feel more protective over him as I think he may have some additional needs. As his youngest Brothers get older, it is highlighting my eldests issues. They are subtle but they are as follows:

Inability to sit still during meal times or when watching tv. He can manage about 5-10 mins before he starts fidgeting or leaping around.

Hypersensitive to noises and smells. We have never been able to take him to fireworks displays or for a long time he would freak out if he saw a balloon for fear of it popping.

Incredible eye for details. Will remember days/dates/what people were wearing or certain smells will trigger memories from years prior.

Dangerously shy - very reluctant to speak to other adults. Or children he doesn't know. Has got a good group of friends at school though.

Won't listen - 1-1 he will interact normally and have fairly two sided conversation but if he gets distracted or excited it's almost like you can see a glazed over expression and no about of talking or shouting at him will make him calm down.

Has to get in other kids faces - particularly those younger than him. Either touches their faces or gets his face so close to theirs that they back away/push him away etc. I'm forever telling him to not get so close to his brothers.

Seems to lack empathy. Has a reduced amount of compassion or remorse compared to his younger siblings.

He says pardon about 4000 times daily. Especially bad in echo-y environments such as when he's in the bath or in a restaurant etc.

Sorry for the long post. I'm suppose I'm just after advice/reassurance as to whether this is all normal 5 year old behaviour or whether I should be a little more concerned. I should add though that besides all the above, this is a small portion of his personality. He is a bright, loveable, funny and thoughtful little boy and most of the time is a pleasure to be around.

Bump - anyone?!

There are some red flags in your description for autism or some type of sensory disorder - however they are just flags. Sensitivities to noises/smells, inability to understand socials norms (personal space), lack of empathy, repeating 'pardon' all day long (this is a form of vocal stimming / repetitive behaviour), etc are and can be markers for autism. However I don't think this would be enough - you say he has a group of friends? how is he with them? does he play like the others? understands the rules of the games / social norms? etc. How is his speech?

How does he score in the brainchild? (used by paediatricians from 3YRs old on wards for autism screening) -> www.childbrain.com/pddassess.html

Thank you Aladdin - his speech has always been fantastic and ahead of his peers in that department. He has a good group of pals at school and seems to play well with them in understanding rules. Obviously there is the odd disagreement but generally fine with friends. Will try the link now. Thank you

So according to that link he has scored 'mild ASD' although I realise it's not diagnostic, and some of the questions cover a broad range of traits. What do I do now? He already seems to have grown out of some of the more pronounced traits he had in the past so I feel that in time he will grow out of more of them. I am less interested in a diagnosis as such (and I'm aware he may not even HAVE a diagnosis) but I'd like to be able to support him and adapt my parenting to suit his needs.

Please do consider a diagnosis. Have a look at this thread Benefits of a diagnosis. He may not need any extra support currently, but that may change as he gets older. The assessment process will help as well to understand his specific needs, so you can put the right strategies in place.

Have you spoken with his school? It would be worth checking if they have any concerns.

I have two DDs with ASD. They are both highly articulate and academically able, kind, and very affectionate. They have never had more then one or two friends at any one time. They have phenomenal memories and can tell you who was in your car yesterday just from the smell.

The social differences between them and their peers has increased as they have matured which is very common with ASD.

I'm not sure how helpful the term 'mild ASD' is. Autism is a yes or no diagnosis and those with the diagnosis vary in their presentation. My DD2 has symptoms that restrict her life severely yet she presents as outwardly neurotypical and many, many people refuse to believe she has a diagnosis at all.

I prefer the term 'wellmasked' because it describes how those on the spectrum with more highly developed conginitive skills can be aware of their differences and work very hard to mask them and fit in with social norms. This can result in a child who is a perfect angel, doing outwardly really well in school but very stressed, anxious and demand-avoidant at home.

The repetitive behaviours you describe can be stress responses designed to make the world feel more predictable and reduce anxiety.

If you begin to feel that the traits you've described are making life a challenge for him, please do seek a neurodevelopmental assessment. He will then have a better chance of getting the support in school he may need later on.

To go through the process of assessment, diagnosis and properly identified and funded support in school can easily take two years.