tippis: happy birthday!
chocolatepenny and tippis: i really feel for you both. its so frustrating when everyone elses baby seems happy and content and you just can't work out whats wrong with yours! a large glass of wine every night saved my sanity. remember what worked for other peoples devil children won't necessarily work for yours, but its useful to really listen, and honestly evaluate what you havent tried. i found myself dismissing everyone with:ive tried everything! but actually, i was mostly doing the same patterns, because i was so tired and exhausted and angry!
tippis: i would advise reading the babywhisperer book, or looking at the website: think its www.babywhisperer.com and going to "sleep" on the discussion/q and a board. it worked for us, but, as i said, it doesn't for everyone. if your baby is awake from 6 to 7, he is probably utterly exhausted and stressed. i used to think my boy couldn't be tired cos otherwise he'd fall asleep, but actually he was getting overtired. you need to look for the signs on early waking: lots of babies get tired about 2 hrs after getting up. my 9 month old goes back for an hr nap at around 8.30. try and catch the first yawn! the more tired they get, the harder it is to get them to sleep. but dn't watch the clock, watch your babys signals. grumpiness, eyerubbing, yawning etc.
it took a while to get my baby to sleep without me. The babywhisperer calls it "accidental parenting" when you teach them the wrong thing, and then you have to amend it. this takes time and patience, but often less than you think!!
why is your baby so afraid of his cot? where does he sleep at night? is he ok going to bed at night? it could be his age, and as he grows more confident he could get better at sleeping without you. mine needed help to learn independent sleep. what i think you are doing wrong is mixing methods. im not an expert though! but sneaking out is meant to be a bad idea long term cos then you are cheating them and they know it and it makes them furious. also if they fall asleep in your arms and then you put them down they get startled when they rouse a bit, and instead of going back to sleep scream for you.
pickup putdown is comforting them when they yell and after they calm put the baby back in the cot saying something like"sleep time now". when they cry again you pick them up and calm them, do the same thing again and again. the main trick is putting him down awake but sleepy. it can take hours the first few times. we started doing this at night before doing it for naps, cos he was much better at nighttime anyway. (although he used to wake every 2hrs! ) according to the babywhisperer, doing controlled crying can set everything back, cos then they are scared of their cot and the whole sleep thing.
what i tried to remember was this:
when he is tired and screaming, he is not angry at me, he is angry cos he wants to sleep. i am teaching him to sleep.
when i picked him up i would think "i am your still waters", which calmed me and him! picking them up teaches them you will be there when they need you. but also you have confidence they can get themselves to sleep without you rocking or breastfeeding them. i give mine a bf first, before putting him down for a nap, and now, he sometimes falls asleep during it, but he's not dependent on it, and that is all the difference in the world.
your baby should be getting about 15hrs sleep all in all, i think, at this age. (its variable baby by baby of course! mine never has the required 3 - 4 hrs in the day, more like 2 - 2.5) i think around this age they usually need to go for a nap every 2 hrs or so.
it takes a while to learn to read your child. i was misreading mine for ages. i thought he wanted stimulation when he wanted sleep. he still needs a shed load of attention and is fairly full-on, but we communicate much better. i hated him to be honest, and i thought i was a terrible failure as a mum. now i think im great! .
you said you are nice to him through a veil of anger. i did this too. and it doesn't work. they know! and it really upsets them more. i found it was better to hold him and say "we are having a really tough time right now, aren't we?" or stuff like that, being honest that things weren't good between us, but treating it like a team effort, not him against me (which is how it felt in the early days!) because you are in this relationship with him for life now, and it is a temporary thing you are going through, but you are having relationship problems right now, and its upsetting for both of you. be honest with your lo, tell him its difficult and you are struggling.
i now do more like 50 - 50 childcare with my partner, this too is much better for me. do you have someone to share the burden with?
if you are going to start doing different stuff, like pickup putdown i recommend picking a day to start and sticking with it. i had my dp on board, even though he was extremely cynical at first, and we expected to be in for our worst night ever. (turned out to be the first better one in ages!!) we knew we were going to do it for 2 weeks or so, because if it failed we thought we would have to go the controlled crying route and i really didn't want to.
i hated the idea of any type of routine, i thought it was all gina fordesque, and totally resisted it. the babywhisperer stuff suggests not following a routine by the clock but having a rythym to your day, so your baby knows what to expect next. they generally hate surprises! and actually, this too has been really settling for my lo. she suggests E.A.S.Y :eat, activity, sleep, you time. i do something close to that.
you said your baby sometimes freaks out going through the bedroom door. do you use the bedroom for playing in at all? this sounds to me the first thing to tackle, making the bedroom seem a welcoming and happy place.
oh, now when i put my baby down for a nap i sing him a going for a nap song, as does my dp when he puts him down, and he starts yawning as i sing it! its like a magic trick! highly stimulated babies often need extra shut off time before falling asleep. so i take him upstairs singing the song, we shut the curtains together, i sometimes read hiim a quiet story and i give him a bf all in a quiet dark room.
i hope some of this is helpful! its very long i know!