Sorry this is extremely long! I’m kind of just mulling things over but if anyone has any advise I’d love to hear it.
Dd is 5 and in reception.
She’s sociable, confident, and seems to be able to start friendships easily. She’s been invited to lots of parties and seems relatively popular. Initially I felt quite relaxed about this. I had trouble fitting in at school and still find friendships difficult. However I’m getting increasingly worried about her and her ability to maintain friendships.
She is an only child and although she’s very good at playing independently, I guess that she is used to having our full attention when we are playing with her. She can have very set ideas about what she wants to do. She tells me she takes turns following others ideas I’m not convinced she does (although I think she often believes she does). An example of this is that she’ll pick to play a game that she knows the other person likes, and think that that’s equal to them choosing, so wants to play ‘her’ game after. She’ll also give herself longer turns at being the main role in a game (again I’m not sure whether she’s aware she’s doing this). When I watch her play with other children it’s usually her who is directing play (There are some children who she will totally follow, but they are in the minority).
She had a bit of a shaky start to reception as there was a bit of readjustment in friendships from nursery- but she seemed to find her feet quickly and although there has been a bit of playground politics it never seemed too bad.
At her last parents evening her teacher said dd had made a ‘best friend’ and that they were trying to open up the friendship a bit as it could get too intense and they often ended up fighting about what to play. My heart sank at this as we had similar in nursery (with a different child). I asked if it was my dd who was causing issues, and was told that yes, the other girl who often complained to her that dd wasn’t letting her play her choice of games. She put a positive spin on it, saying that dd was very grown up and very thorough in what she did, and was a natural leader, but that this didn’t always allow others to get much of a say. I remember the ‘projects’ dd had said she was doing with the other girl - which at the time had seemed lovely and creative - and now just pictured her poor friend being railroaded into doing exactly what dd told her. It also made me realise how much value dd places on being seen as being Xs BEST FRIEND.
As the term has gone on, dd tells me that her ‘best friend’ sometimes runs away from her, or says what seems to be the ultimate put down- that it ‘doesn’t matter’ when dd asks to play. They both have other friends and I remind dd that they don’t always have to play together, and that there’s no need for best friends. I’ve seen them together at parties since this began and sometimes they seem to be inseparable and other times there is more distance between them.
When I speak to dd about friendships she knows exactly the right things to say and insists that she’s putting them into practice.
As I mentioned earlier something similar happened in nursery with a different child and the fact that it’s happening again really worries me. We try and discourage it but Dd is desperate for a best friend. I’m concerned that whilst she is initially good at making a ‘best friend’ she struggles to maintain them as she gets overly intense, clingy, and also bossy. I’m concerned that this is something that will just happen over and over. IM not sure how to help her get better at playing with others in a more relaxed way.