Bloody biting!!! (2 year old)

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My daughter is a 2 years and 3 months old.

She is largely really nice, well behaved, speaks well, shows caring when someone hurts themselves, apologises if she hurts someone else by mistake.

Of course, she snatches occasionally, she sometimes shouts when someone tries to take something she's playing with. All-in-all, very normal.

However - in the last four weeks she's had four written reports from nursery, all for biting the same boy. Twice hard enough to leave a mark.

I had a meeting with nursery to better-understand what we can do (together) to stop it. The approach we use at home is:

• Give her clear and simple ways to express herself verbally - rather than lashing out "No, leave me alone"..."No hugs" whatever

• Use clear words to tell her off: "No, we do not bite our friends" etc.

• Read books and play games about who/what it is/isn't okay to bite (or hit, kick, whatever, although we don't have a problem with hitting or kicking)

We give her simple punishments for biting "No Peppa Pig tonight because you bit Paul" (not his real name).

The kid she bites is a lovely boy, but he's a bit younger, and a bit physically overbearing, he gets up close to her, he's prone to snatching, he likes to hug her. These are the moments that she bites him, when she feels crowded by him.

Of course her first instinct shouldn't be to bite, but there is some argument that nursery should stop him getting so close to her, if it's a known-issue (for his sake more than hers).

I also don't know if she's using the tactics we've been teaching her ("leave me alone"..."no hugs") before the bite, or if she's just going straight from contact to bite-mode.

Do you have any advice on anything else we should be doing? I don't want her to be cast as 'the biter' I don't want the poor recipient of the bites to be scared of her, I hate the feeling of dread picking her up as to whether she's bitten anyone.

What else can we do?

I am sure you are probably already doing this, but I would make sure you are validating her feelings. So something like “You don’t like x invading your space. It is ok to feel that way, but it is not ok to bite.” I think it is important to make that distinction as her feelings are completely valid it is just her reaction that needs to change.

Also, it might help if you teach her just one short phrase like “No. Stop” to say in the heat of the moment, as it will be easier to remember.

You could also try role playing the situation at home with her favourite toys. It will provide a safe place to work through her feelings and practice how to respond.

I’d chat to nursery as well and see what support they have in place. I would expect them to be monitoring closely and to step in before a situation escalates.

Try not to worry too much. My eldest DS went through a very similar phase, but his go to was to hit. They just have to learn to control their emotions, which takes time. Just keep doing what you are doing and she’ll get there.

Thanks @magicroundabouts you're right, we try to validate her feelings, but it's such a subtle and nuanced concept, especially for someone so young, that yes we support her in protecting her own space, and we understand she responds physically because she feels overwhelmed, but there are ways to deal with it verbally (not least to alert adults that she might be on the brink of a bite), or by walking away to diffuse the situation - I think it's the classic situation that she has emotions and moods that she can't fully control or express verbally yet.

I also think she's on the brink of so many things, nearly ready for potty training (showing the signs, we just need a clear weekend to do it), nearly fluent at speaking (or fluent-ish), nearly about to drop her nap... she desperately wants to be independent and do everything herself, and walk everywhere, but she isn't physically able to do it all yet. I'm hoping that it'll pass soon!