Absent father issues

[Moneypenny1]

Hi... first time post as I have spent most the morning in tears ... when I was 6 months pregnant with my 5 yo the dad decided a girl half his age was a better choice and abandoned us, he was in and out of his life for about 3 years... came every other weekend, but things started to go south when he turned 3, he would be vile at nursery, violent and petulant (my sons very caring and emotional so out of character) the last time he went he wouldn’t speak to me for days,.. without details cause they are too long, the Dad was basically telling my son the my partner didn’t need to be listened to, he’s not his dad etc, and he was coming back injured and upset. Basically I had to stop him going almost 2 years ago for the mental heath of my son. The dad has mental heath issues and drink and class a drug issues 😱
So besides a birthday card that first bday he didn’t see him there’s been no card/presents/letters etc in almost 2 years... hasn’t paid his child support in several month either which luckily I don’t rely on. Since then me and my partner had a baby 7 month ago, sons over moon! Loves being a big bro) rarely mentioned his bio dad, calls my partner dad and has done for almost 2 years.
The last few days my son has been asking a lot of questions and bringing him up, this morning he was in floods of tears asking after him, saying he missed him and loved him. Didn’t matter what I said or did couldn’t console him. He said he told him my partner doesn’t love him. It is not in his best interest to see him mentally or physically. Why is he bringing all this up now? I don’t know what to say to him :(

I don’t know what to say. It’s probably hard for your son as he may just about remember seeing his bio dad. My Oh came into DSs life when he was 18 months and he obviously cannot remember him not being around.

It does sound like your son is better off without his dad.

I think it’s best that you talk to your DS about his dad. Don’t ignore it as he is just a curious 5 year old. I never had a dad in my life and my mum never spoke about him. I had so many questions in my head but I never felt like I could ask her. I used to ask my grandparents instead. As an adult It doesn’t really bother me that I don’t know my dad, but it bothers me I know nothing about him because my mum was so secretive.

Be honest with him. I am certain that your son will realise that your partner has been there for him more than his dad. My son is 7 and I think he is just starting to realise how useless his daddy is (he does see him, but it’s hit and miss) and that my Oh is more of a daddy to him.

I think that you might need to tell him a gentle version of the truth. His Dad is ill and says mean stuff like your partner doesn't love him. Has he (your ex) ever spoken to your partner? How would he know that he doesn't love him? If your partner didn't love him then he would live with you, him and the baby. You can tell your son how your partner has told people how much he loves you. Obviously name specific people like granny/Auntie/other adults)