How would you handle this?

[1981m]

Ds is 6 and is very strong willed, observant, stubborn and bright. From a toddler he's always been quite challenging, he hates to be told what to do and quickly goes into meltdown if he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do- even cleaning his teeth. He's very temperamental and you need to tread carefully with him.

At the same time he's bright, fun and baying his years in understanding, language.

Anyway, since starting school in sept 2017 what was silly behaviour and a bit of pushing/hitting at Pre school has turned into fighting and he's often being sent to the headteacher. If someone winds him up or someone else is doing it he will immediately join in, he can't seem to walk away or say no. Unfortunately he seems to have become good friends with the main child in his class who loves kicking, fighting and rough play. I am not saying Ds is an angel but whenever he's in trouble for this type of behaviour it's when he's with this child. He knows it's wrong, he says he tries to move away but this child follows him and constantly tries to engage in this behaviour. I ve seen it myself in the playground.

I am fed up with it. We have done everything with Ds, consequences, rewards, taking things away, gentle chats, getting cross. He knows exactly what to do to get himself out of these situations but chooses not to. He wants to play with his child and so is constantly in trouble. It's almost a badge of honour the number of times he's been to the dept head.

The other child's mum is completely deluded. Her child has physically strangled and punched since school and nothing is her child's fault. This latest thing she has put down as her child innocently spinning around and knocking into my ds and another child. When the teacher has stated they were fighting, punches were thrown.

I want to say to Ds he cannot play with this child. But I think that would work. What can I do?

I'd tell him that if he gets into trouble with that child again, they're not allowed to play together. If it happened again I'd ask the teachers to keep them away from each other. I'd tell my son until he can learn to play without being aggressive is when he can play with him again. Enough is enough.. time to take some serious action. That's what I'd do and say.

Thanks lovely. That's pretty much what I have said in that he's only to play with people he doesn't fight with rather than naming names. I spoke to the teacher and said I don't think they are a good combination and can they be kept apart.

It's tricky as this boy seeks ds out. He's there in the playground in the morning and I don't feel like I can say no you're not playing with him and get him away in front of all the other parents and children. Only this morning Ds was this boys name is over there and I am not with him in front of other children in his class so I guess I am worried words going to get around that ds isn't allowed to play with this boy and it will get back to the parents. They are in all the same groups together, table in class and play the same activities at lunchtime.

I am really keen for ds to make other friendships as I feel he's decided he's really good friends with this boy and that's it and he doesn't want to play with anyone else.

I don't feel like my ds has an opportunity to try and do that right thing as he's constantly being encouraged to do the wrong thing by this boy. He's one of those children who is generally good but is always on the line between that and being very easy influenced into bad behaviour, copying others and hitting/kicking back when provoked. I am trying to teach my ds to do the right thing and stop this rough behaviour. But he's copying the behaviour of this boy who has no boundaries and the parents just excuse his behaviour. So I feel like it will be never ending.

Plus I really want to rely to her message to say I doubt they would have been sent to head for a bit of innocent accident. That I think they should go their separate ways.

The mother is completely deluded about her child. She asks me for play dates as Ds is her sons only friend, so is totally unaware that this is a friendship I would never encourage. He is the sort of boy who in the past has strangled several children because they had something he wants or have told him not to touch something. He runs up to children and kicks them and runs away laughing. Kicking is his way of saying hello!

I completely understand how it's so difficult for you. I'm a nursery teacher and that's what we do when kids rough play a lot. Separate them until they played without hurting each other. For the sake of our backs too because of parents complaints. HOWEVER, in one of my child dev courses I learned about how rough play is great for child development I'll give you the link below. Is actually good for their development! Only issue is not so good at school. So maybe you can explain to him that at school he needs to not play rough because of the teacher also getting I trouble, parents not liking their children getting hurt etc.

flintobox.com/blog/child-development/5-benefits-of-rough-play-for-kids

Pretty much my point is rough play is very natural for boys and healthy. But I do understand your worry as it causes children to get hurt. There's gotta be a balance. Hope that helps for you to think of it in a different way. As you won't be able to make him stop completely since it's something very natural. I also learned that rough play increases testosterone in boys. Which is interesting and I'm nervous of my son getting to that age as I'll need to find a balance for it too.

I understand that but it's not rough play it's fighting. Kicking and punching.

I spoke to ds teacher today and she agreed this behaviour only seems to happen with this one boy. The strategy is that they are kept away from each other- they are going to say that to her. Which is great as means it avoids a potential confrontation if her ds comes home saying I ve said he's not allowed to play with ds. So I have openly told my son to stay away from him and it's supported by the school.

I really hope it happens and is enforced. Really want to reply to other mums text though and say I doubt they would be sent to head for harmless twirling and bumping inti each other and that the boys are to go separate ways. She wants them to have a bloody play date. I want to say something to burst her illusion of her son. Should I? What should I say?

Can you get him involved in an after school activity where there are some boys in the class but not the problem boy? So he gets to know the other boys better and might choose to pursue a friendship with one of them? Or invite 2 or 3 of them to your house for playdates?

Tiger- yes we ve had lots of play dates with others in the class. I actively encourage other friendships. He's friends with lots of others but just seems drawn to this boy. They are into the same thing. There are plenty of options of people for him to play with who want to play with him.

The other parent who's child was involved in the fight is on the war path a bit and is going to the top with numerous meetings. For her it's an issue of safeguarding which I agree with. But I feel like I have less of a stand with the senior staff members as my son threw a punch too. She's saying she's not going to stop until it's sorted. I think we re both fed up of it now, it will be make more of an impact if we stand together.

I really want to send this message to the other boys mum. This is what I want to say. I want her to realise I ve had enough of my ds being enticed into flightong constantly. Whenever there is fighting her ds is involved. She needs to face up to her child's behaviour instead of things always being innocent and someone else's fault.

Here it is: I had a chat with Ds teacher. Although what started it wasn't seen It Sounds like It was fighting. I don't think they would be sent to xxxx for innocent mistakes. It is unacceptable. I am having various meetings with staff to ensure this is the last time it happens again. I am getting Increasingly frustrated at the number of these fighting incidents that are happening involving ds. He is trying hard to make the right decisions. so you don't hear it from Anyone else ds teacher and I have agreed My ds and your dc are to permanently be kept apart. We both think it's not a friendship which benefits either of them positively. Such a shame they can't just play nicely when together.

Too harsh? How can I tone it down?