7 year old has no friends

[ILCTM]

Hi

I have a 7 year old son, and a 5 year old son. My 7 year old has never made friends very easily, if at all to be honest. He's been checked out by various different people for his lack of social interaction, but nothing ever comes of it.

When he was in reception, he did have a couple of very close friends so I thought things had improved, but now he's in year 2 and is back to having no friends.

His brother is in reception and he'll just play with him at school playtimes/lunchtime as well as my 5 year old's friends. My 5 year old is very sociable, so the complete opposite to my 7 year old.

My son isn't a great talker, so it's hard to get much out of him but when I ask him why he doesn't play with anyone in his class, he says that he doesn't really like them. There's only one class per year in his school, so 30 kids.

I did take him to a football club to see if that would help, but he's not really into football and didn't particularly enjoy it, so we stopped. Now I take him to a boxercise club, but it's quite a mixed age range, only one boy his age in the class, the rest are a fair few years older. We've only just started this, so early days yet, but is this normal?

I hate to think of him at school with no real friends except his brother, but he doesn't seem too fussed by it. My youngest went on a school trip the other week, and when I asked my 7 year old who he played with, he said no one because reception weren't there.

That must be hard. Is there one child in his class he likes? Either a girl or boy? Could you invite them over for tea?

Have you talked to the teacher about your concerns, without hi: being there? They may not be aware that he has nobody to play with when his brother isn’t there.

My DS didn’t like football clubs either. Your DS might like Beavers, Coding Club or Cricket? Lots of Cricket Clubs are just about to start doing sessions for children around now

It's not nice but he seems fine with it. Last year, his little group of friends said he couldn't play with them anymore, which was really horrible but he said he wasn't bothered, which he genuinely wasn't but I was. I spoke to his teacher then and then it all blew over and he seemed to be friends with them again but it's just fizzled off now I think.

I did speak to his teacher but she said he has a lovely group of friends (this was at parents evening) and I really got the feeling she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Or maybe it's the impression she gets from inside the classroom. She said all the children just seem to be quite drawn to him, but it's really not the impression I get, just by the way most kids don't seem to call out to him when we're leaving school or say bye to him, yet I see others doing this. Occasionally they will, but rarely.

There's just no one in his class that he really likes to invite over. I'm good friends with a few of the mum's, but they have girls and my son isn't really into what they're into which is a shame.

I didn't know about coding club. He loves computers, so that's definitely something to consider.

The main thing is that he's happy, but I know it's a way off, but I can't help but worry about secondary school.

I can only speak from personal experience. Growing up I was the same way. Introvert. From since I can remember I always only had one friend very school year. It's not that they didn't like me, I was very very observant and in a weird way always felt more mature than everyone else. While everyone else was playing acting crazy being kids, I was just more mellow, likes to draw and keep to my self. My mom used to also get worried and thought I didn't have friends but the truth is that I genuinely enjoyed being alone. I felt most comfortable having one close friend. If he says he's ok and he enjoys being alone from experience I would say believe him. Not everyone needs loads of friends to feel content and happy. Some of us genuinely enjoy being alone as weird as that may sound to you. Now I would be lying if at times I didn't think why am I this way? But I would say, maybe that's just his personality. Btw at school I got along with everyone and evryone liked me I just chose to not be a part of the group by choice. I can relate to your son a lot.

Thank you. This is exactly the kind of response I was hoping for. He is very introvert and has always enjoyed his own company.

He's always been such an easy child to bring up in that sense. He's rarely ever bored, quite happy on his own. Even as a baby, he could quite happily lay playing on his playmate until he was either tired or hungry.

In some ways, he does seem quite mature for his age, but in other ways, not so much.

It does also seem like the other kids like him, he just doesn't want to play what they're playing. He's a very cautious child, not a risk taker, not the sort that's trying to climb a tree the minute my back is turned.

I do just hope that he makes some true friends.

That's exactly what I'm like. Don't worry. In a way it's also a good thing as he's not a follower and seems like an independent leader. In highschool when all the girls began smoking and drinking I never did, again, I didn't want to or ever felt like I needed to follow anyone else. He might also be the same. I'd say just love and accept him as he is. If he's happy then let it be:)

Thank you. He definitely has some qualities that I envy massively. Like his "friend" telling him that he couldn't play with them anymore, and he said he wasn't bothered. It's almost like he just doesn't get offended, quite happy by himself.

I was out earlier and drove past the school and it was playtime, and I saw him just playing by himself (he only sees his brother in lunch break). It does really make me sad, but I'd much rather it made me sad than him sad.

My DS is 16 and has never had friends and it still does not bother him. I spent a lot of time while he was at primary trying to help, trying to get him interested in plays dates, we did have a few boys over occasionally in ks1 and lower ks2, but he was rarely invited back and sometimes refused to go when he was invited. Since starting secondary he has never been to a friend’s house or invited a friend over. He is generally a happy boy, has been relatively easy to parent, is well behaved and does quite well at school. He was and is very self sufficient & happy to do his own thing. He is very shy, though in the last couple of years he is getting over this. He is sporty and does athletics, tennis and cricket quite seriously and does numerous sports clubs, enters races and does loads of training sessions. We tried various team sports when he was younger, but none clicked for him. Apart from playing sport he enjoys watching it but he has a one track mind , sport and more sport, nothing else is interesting to him, apart from constantly being hungry, he’s a typical teenager in this respect.

Also try your library. Ours has free sessions like Lego club or book based craft ( they make aomwthing based on the book theme)

I think the boxing is a good idea, increase his confidence.

I played on my own a lot at school, I didn't mind much but I was very shy. I suppose i didn't question it really at the time.