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Anxiety problem in nine year old - any advice?

12 replies

Bounder · 29/06/2007 11:29

DS1 aged nine has always been a worrier, very nervous of animals, still not dry at night, getting upset if he cannot sleep as worried hell be the last person in the house awake etc. Recently things seem to be getting out of hand - last night we nearly didnt manage to leave him with a babysitter (known to him) because he became hysterical with worry that something would hapen to us while we were out. We were walking to a local restaurant but he was unable to be rational. Eventually we managed it after agreeing to text him every 30 mins and he sat downstairs with the babysitter, who was great.It was our tenth anniversary!! DH really peed off about risk of this happening again, were both concerned for him. Has anyone been through something similar? What helped? I wondered if there was any helpful literature around. We definitely dont want to medicalise this, atleast not at this stage.

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HonoriaGlossop · 29/06/2007 11:44

Wow, he certainly sounds extremely thoughtful and sensitive. Those are such lovely qualities to have but obviously his thoughtfulness is a burden in that he can think about and imagine too many scenarios!

I think your approach last night was spot on because while you acknowledged his fears you didn't let them stop you. If you let him stop you going out I think that would make it more 'real' to him; that mum and dad didn't go out because they also thought 'something' could happen.

I just think you need to continue to strike a balance between listening to him and carrying on with normal life. Find ways, as you did, of meaking deals with him where you will acknowledge his upset and try to make him as comfortable as you can but at the bottom of it all, you just role model to him what normal life is, which is not allowing irrational worries to overtake you.

I know you don't want to medicalise it, which I totally agree with, but I wonder if you could look up some material on cognitive behavioural therapy just for yourselves to try within the family? I'm not an expert but I believe that this can help people who have ingrained behaviours; it's about giving people new thought processes which they can use to replace the old, troublesome worries.

It may be that some simple strategies could help him. Also perhaps look into relaxation stuff like yoga that you could maybe enjoy doing together. Some kids have to learn to relax, it's not a skill we all get born with.

Good luck!

otto · 29/06/2007 12:02

Sorry to hear about your son?s anxiety. I?ve suffered from anxiety most of my life. It can be extremely debilitating for the worrier and effects the lives of those around them. Worrying does become a way of life if you?re not careful and I?ve certainly let it take over my life at times. I?m due to start a course of cognitive behavioural therapy organised through by GP. It?s meant to be very effective. It?s probably worth talking to your GP as something similar may be available to help your son deal with his worries.

I agree with the previous poster that your approach last night was spot on. You do need to try and reassure him that nothing will happen and do whatever is necessary to make him feel secure without it impacting on your own life too much.

As a matter of interest has anything traumatic happened to your son that could cause him to worry? ie death of a close relative?

kayjayel · 29/06/2007 12:23

'Think Good Feel Good' is a CBT book for kids. It doesn't do lots of analysing the problems, just gives you a bit of understanding of what anxiety is, and how to break the vicious cycles (think it covers worries, feeling low and feeling angry, so not just anxiety). I work with kids with anxiety and use this. Might be worth a look? Might be enough for you to work through on your own. Great time to tackle it though - he's young enough to get into it, but not too young to understand. Good luck!

HTH

Bounder · 29/06/2007 12:24

Thank you to both of you, its a big help to feel we got the balance right last night. Otto - youre right there was some trouble at school earlier this week, he had to go to the Head about an issue with another child in his class. I went with him, it was first thing on Monday morning. Hes never been "sent to the Head" before. At the time the Head - and I - thought that he was the main culprit in this situation, but I have to say that she was very fair with him, definitely didnt "tell him off" and stressed that she would talk to the other child as well. Its subsequently become clear that its more "six of one, half a dozen of the other" (this would be a whole other thread), he knows that I know that and subsequent actions by the other child suggest that the head now knows the truth. (Sorry, convoluted I know but its a complicated story) I really didnt think he was that bothered about this but it may well be a reason for things deteriorating this week

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Bounder · 29/06/2007 12:36

Kayjayel - is that the Paul Stallard book? (just searched on Amazon)

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kayjayel · 29/06/2007 15:12

Yes, the Paul Stallard. Its got lots aimed at therapists, so there might be other books that are more aimed at parents, or children themselves if you search on Amazon for worries or anxiety. But the Stallard has worksheets, so you can turn it into a bit of a project. I think Jacqueline Wilson had a book called the Worry Diary or something - I haven't read it, but that might be interesting? A novel, not a help-book.

I understand about not wanting to medicalise it, or make it into even more of a big deal, but if its not feeling like the books are enough, then your GP should be able to get you a referral to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health - I know sounds awful, but most people are very nice there!), where someone could help. And CBT is the most common approach for anxiety problems.

Agree with the last posters that you were right to keep giving him reassurance, and also really right to still go out. Another thing to do is pay loads and loads of attention to times when he surprises you and himself with not being worried, or coping really well with a worry (however little the achievement), so instead of thinking mostly about the things he can't do, he gets more aware of the things he can do. I think this is in the book too.

Its sad that he's so worried, but as another poster said, its probably a sign of thoughtfulness, sensitivity and intelligence, and other things to be proud of. I hope he manages to get more control over the worries, and good luck with it all.

MrsScavo · 29/06/2007 15:14

Bounder, my DS is similar... I've no time to post now, but will be back.

Bounder · 30/06/2007 16:10

Thanks Kayjayel - good advice. I`ll work on it! Will order the book

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kayjayel · 30/06/2007 16:18

No problem, hope it helps

sarz · 30/06/2007 16:28

Bounder, I agree that you handled it very well, and i really feel for you and your son. I was wondering if your son has any outside school hobbies? I know this doesnt directly help the situation, but with other hobbies, he will make more friends, helping to forget the situation at school, and if he happens to find a new skill, it will boost his confidence and this will in turn transfer to other things.

If he doesnt have outside school things, then school and home will be everything he knows, and if he falls out with someone there or feels like he has let you or teachers down he could feel very humiliated and failure in everything (because home and school are everything). Does this make sense? it does in my head but i am not sure i am writing it very well!

Bounder · 01/07/2007 13:23

Hes always been sporty - plays footie and tennis cometitively- goes to Cubs and has friends. In fact when he was younger seemed to be one of those who "have it all", the only sign of anxiety being the animal phobia. But things seem to have deteriorated over the last year or two (hes nine now). One of his problems is that he thinks alot! (unlike his next brother down who just does!)

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rez · 25/07/2007 09:54

Hello Bounder. I have an 8yo who sounds very similar. He has boundless confidence at times and completely crumples at others - often when I least expect it. He finds it very difficult to relax and go to sleep, worries that he will die in the night etc. He went through a phase of near obsessional hand washing, and insisting that his little sister did the same (fear of germs). It definitely comes and goes.
We notice that the more stressed DH and I are the worse DS is.
Also it helps if we can summon superhuman calmness and be above the whole episode, act like his fears really are not justified, while remaining kind and hearing him out.
Not easy I know especially when you are trying to go out, or do anything to a schedule.
We try not to expose him to the news or other grown-up real-world problems - he can't do anything about them, and in my opinion it is better for a child to worry about things they can do something about, eg learning to be in the same room as an animal, or realizing that he has never died in the night so why should it happen this night?
Have you thought about getting a pet (or offer to dog/cat sit for a friend or relative for a while) to help him with this fear?
We spoke to a family therapist who was worse than useless, she didn't even want to talk to DS, but ironically gave us the confidence that we were the best people to help him. I agree you shouldn't medicalise this - you don't want your son to believe that he has been labelled with a problem.
Good luck. Please let us know if the books were any good.

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