7yr DD with dad attachment issues

[chuckalicious]

Bit of complicated one so bear with me.

I was a stay at home dad with my youngest from when she was 1 to now. I've just started back at work, now that her younger sister has started school.

From very early on, there was a clear attachment issue in that I literally could not leave the room without her breaking down in terror and panic. This extended to night times, meaning for a good year or so I had to sit down next to her and hold her hand until she was asleep. I couldn't go to the shops and leave her with her mum or she would completely melt down. Great relationship with mum, and never ever got upset if she went out the room or whatever, but it had to be me putting her to bed, or the world would end, sort of routine.

Fast forward to now, when she is 7.5 and although better in many respects, she still struggles with me being away at work, or dropping her and her sister (who has none of these issues) at school or breakfast club. It is really hard for mum because she sees a happy balanced child change so dramatically if I try and leave, say to the shops, or if I need to pop out out with a normal planned routine trip. It's also exhausting for me.

When she is at school she is great. Sociable, does well and has no problems. She has had issues at her breakfast club (which she is at for only 30 mins a morning for a few mornings a week) because it's me dropping her and her sister off and she hates that, so has made breakfast club the issue and so the staff see her all distressed. But of course by the time school goes in she is full of beans.

Bedtime can also still be tough. She used to cry out to try and get me to come back in. When I did, to try and reassure her, nothing I said made the blindest bit of difference and the moment I left the room it would start from square 1. We have now learned that she gives up after about 10 minutes. And we know she knows this. She isn't daft.

So I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and if there's anything that did/didn't work. It hard for everyone at the moment. It can't be fun for her to feel the need to act up about things like breakfast club, it's hard for the rest of the family as it can really suck the joy out of events where I either won't be there or may need to work etc.

Thanks.

I think it’s unusual for a 7yo to have separation anxiety to this extent. Do you have any other concerns about her behaviour? How are her relationships at school?

Testing - replied twice and nothing showing.

Right, let's try again.

Relationships at school are generally fine. Gets along with most kids, has the usual ups and downs with best friends that all kids do. Does well with schoolwork, no real issues.

Only tears are when I'm dropping her off. They were getting slowly better until I started working again and started taking her and her sister to breakfast club (building next to school, with kids they know, only 30 mins earlier than normal school drop off). Now she clings and shuts down. It's horrible to see. Me staying and trying to reassure her just makes it worse when I try to leave.

We hit a bit of a breaking point last night. We have all been ill and a couple of nights ago I had offered to sleep in the same room as my eldest as she wasn't feeling well, for some comfort, but that it didn't mean I'd be doing it every night. That night she read a magazine then fell asleep, no issues at all. Didn't even really speak to me.

Then last night, it was the usual "I don't want to go to bed" as I left her room, followed by full on emotional breakdown. After about 30 mins I gave up and slept in her room again. Not a good signal I know but my wife and I are heartbroken at how she seems to be feeling and reacting.

This morning was similar as I had to go to work and she and my wife and other daughter are still off school.

So, we have decided we need to ask for professional advice with this one. We have a friend who works with our local CAMHS group and she has said we are already doing everything they would suggest so we have decided to seek advice from a child psychologist in the hope we can at least begin to understand what the problem is and how we deal with it.

At the simplest of levels, there's an unhealthy relationship between my daughter and I and I don't understand how it happened or what to do, and its heartbreaking.

I think you might be doing the right thing in going to the GP. While you’re waiting for the appointment, it might be worth talking to the SENCO at school about her levels of anxiety.

Trying her with a suitable yoga class might help too. Does she get much exercise and play much sport?

Have you tried her with some guided meditation playing when you leave the room at night? There are a few on YouTube or an audio book might work instead.

Hi JJJ, they do regular relaxation and meditation at primary school and she used to go to a mindfulness class once a week with some friends which they all found very useful and would practice at home whereas she would refuse to do any of it, or, being spectacularly stubborn, would say she had tried it and it didn't work, never giving it s chance through practice.

The issue is me leaving the room, or the concept of me leaving the room, or not being there next time she looks, even if I've explained exactly what I'm going to be doing once I've left the room.

It's very upsetting as things are simply more relaxed when I'm not there.

Can I ask what you are thinking inking of getting her assessed for? Is it ADHD, ASD, both or something else?

If she’s not willing to do the mindfulness at home? Can you model techniques like this? My DD is anxious and I’ve found that since I’ve started doing guided meditation and yoga at home and talking occasionally to others about it, she’s more willing to some meditation.

This book is aimed at 8 to 12 year olds but might be suitable for your DD. Have a look and see what you think

We aren't going to get her assessed for anything. She needs help dealing with the relationship with me, not a label.