I dont feel like i want to be a parent anymore

[Jekyllandhydesmother]

It's crazy as before he was born I'd have given anything (we had issues). But now I just can't cope anymore. I have this kind of thought to often and it scares me.
It's probably not that I don't want to be a parent but actually I find it really hard to be around him. He's (just) 3 and I feel like he doesn't want me to be his mum.
I have a disability and get tired very easily so can't just take him to the park or rough play with him etc like his day can (trust me I would love to as I feel it would solve alot of our issues).
His behaviour is crazy sometimes. He gets really violent and tells me he wants to hurt me. If I said would he like it if I hurt him he just says yes!
I'm sick of telling him to leave the dog alone. He loves him but constantly treats him like a toy not a 13yr old living creature. God knows how the dog hasn't bitten him yet.
I've tried everything advised, called the HV several times and just have nothing more.
I know he's probably bored because I can't take him out but at the weekend my DH doesn't get that. I need to get out but DH just says it's fine we'll entertain him in the house. He then f*ing naps more of the weekend so actually it's me looking after the kid!
I'm probably feeling shittier right now as he's been off the childminders since the 21st (but I've had these thoughts before) I feel like I've had no break.
Sometimes I wish I was just a part-time parent so I could just celebrate his achievements without being a poor parent.
I'm clearly lucky I have a partner and generally great relationship with him but I'm sick of being hurt, sick of not feeling good enough and sick of having these thoughts about my very much wanted child.

Sorry I don't have much of an advise for you, just wanted to say it sounds like you need a break. Could your husband take your DS out over weekends so he can get a run around and use his energy up and you can have a nice bath or do something just for you as a person and not just a mum. Or could a friend or family member help out during the week?

Sometimes if you have a break you then feel better equipped to deal with challenges children bring to life.

Will he be going to free nursery soon as he's now over 3? Hopefully there will be more children there to play with compared to a childminder. Even though you can't do things with him out the house, what kind of activities do you do in the house? I don't go out much with my DS (almost 3), as there is nowhere to go, so he helps me with cooking a lot and uses my dough like playdough, we also have board games we play together and he watches YouTube when I am cleaning. Do you have a garden or a small area that you could go outside together so he could get some fresh air, or even just to walk your dog round the block together? I think you should really focus on him being gentle and tell your DH to stop rough play with him. My DH used to rough play with our son and in turn my son would then hit me and be more aggressive but he's very gentle now that he doesn't have that input anymore.

Thanks EE2 I suggest he takes him out but he says we should do stuff as a family. Whilst nice, I do need a break. I'm a mum, a wife or worker 24/7 (I work with survivors of domestic abuse so it's pretty full on). I really do need a break. I think that would help.

Bee I have all sorts of lovely things planned for him but I just get so exhausted. We have puzzles and a bunch of orchard farm games which we do play but there's on so many times you can play shopping list 🙈
We sometimes bake, do colouring or crafts, and build towers and train tracks.
I think one of the main issues is our dog. He just won't leave him alone. It uses all my energy just keeping him away. I seriously don't know how the dog hasn't bitten him, I know he's got a great temperament but he's 13. My DH wouldn't even entertain the idea of giving the dog a break with one of our borrow my doggy contacts (we don't even have to say why we need them to look after him for a week or so).
Nursery wise, one of the reasons he's going into preschool for a day is to get him away from the almost 1-2-1 he gets at the childminders and prepare him for school. I'd love to have him in more than 1 day but we can't afford it, we're only putting him in pre-school from next week as he has free hours finally!

Be completely honest with your DH about you not managing and needing a break. They can have a father and son day. There have been times when I've had to tell my DH:"please look after the baby or I will have a breakdown and cry. I'm serious I can't carry on like this". And he steps up. I have to be quite dramatic with him as if I just asked for a bit of a break etc he wouldn't take it seriously

Same with the dog, you're a family and need to compromise. If he's not happy to take the dog to a friend's for a week, what about 2 days or so

I agree with previous posters that your DH should step up and take your DS out to give you a break in the weekends - there are many activities that they can do together, from going swimming to as simple as going to the park or library. While I agree doing things as a family is nice, him taking him out for a couple hours on the weekend should not too much to ask. If DS (which is similar aged) gets bored at home he starts destroying the house (climbing everything, moving furniture around, etc.)! Children this age certainly need (and want) to be out.

As for the dog, surely there must be a solution - can you just not separate them; so keep the dog in the garden or a different room to your DS.

I will have a proper chat with DH

Dog wise we separate them (in kitchen with bed or upstairs). I just feel so guilty as we had him for 7 years before the kid came along and he's always had the run of downstairs :(

Can you spend 20 minutes a day encouraging him to play with the dog and being gentle so your not constantly trying to separate them? My DS was very strong handed with our kittens and when my DDs tried to stop him he got very mean to them, but instead we encouraged him to be gentle and now he is kind to them and very confident when handling them. It hopefully should not be so tiring as it should be your DS sitting on your lap whilst you both pet the dog basically.

Bee that's a great idea. Really simple actually but I hadn't thought of it :)
He's at the childminders tomorrow thank goodness because today has.just about killed me. We were out all afternoon looking at animals but it's alot of wandering.

I appreciate all the responses. I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do.

It will get better and easier, things change as they move onto the free nursery places and then onto school, this is just a comparatively short time of tearing your hair out. Don't feel guilty, a lot of parents struggle with their DCs behaviour at around this age.

Thank you ☺️