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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Are all 3yo like this?

9 replies

Quazzies · 18/12/2018 13:45

As some of you know my DSD came to live with me 13 weeks ago.

I'm having a lot of problems with her behaviour atm, constantly bullying my 2yo. Punishment doesn't faze her, she doesn't listen to a word I say and finds it hard to concentrate when were speaking to her.

Tried time put in bed, withholding incentives, taking her dummy away and no matter what I do she's just straight back to bullying my 2yo. She hits, pushes bites and scratches. Even pushed her off the top bunk bed and tried again straight after being punished.

Help please

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

imamearcat · 19/12/2018 06:28

No, I've got a 3yo and a 2yo but although I wouldn't say she would never hurt him, she certainly doesn't bully him.

However! DD would find it absolutely huge, moving in with someone else. I would lay off on the punishment and make sure she feels loved.

Original poster

Quazzies · 19/12/2018 07:33

I've tried the soft approach too which also doesn't appear to work. I'll keep at that approach though to see if we have any improvement. They're court ordered to be here until at least April so I don't want her to view me as an evil stepmum

OP posts:

imamearcat · 19/12/2018 08:10

Good luck. Sounds like a very difficult situation.

She needs to know it's not acceptable to hurt her sister so I would have some boundaries but really go over the top nice when she's being good. x

BeeMyBaby · 19/12/2018 19:34

At 3yo I don't think it's correct to label it as bullying and I think just because she is older than your 2yo you are expecting too much from her. Just explain to her gentle touching and when she is rough show her how to be gentle instead. Try to accommodate her as much as possible so she feels secure and not second best.

Original poster

Quazzies · 19/12/2018 21:43

@BeeMyBaby

I completely understand the occasional push or shove or hitting when my DD has something she wants, it's normal for siblings to do that but what I don't understand is when she literally walks over to her and bites her or hits her for no reason when my 2yo is minding her own business.

I make sure that I plan activities to do together with just myself and 3yo doing things like baking, arts and crafts and reading books so I think I'm doing ok in that field. I spike to my HV earlier and she says it's normal for a child to regress in age when a big notable event has happened in a child's life which in this case it has.

I just don't know how I can ignore this behaviour especially when she's making my 2yo bleed on almost every Occassion.

OP posts:

ElfClimbingTree · 19/12/2018 21:48

Its awful for your DD but its sad for the 3 year old - to have such an upheavel in her life - no wonder she is acting as she is. Maybe she feels insecure with the change and sees the 2 year old as competiton for your love.

Punishments like withholding her dummy sound wrong.

Original poster

Quazzies · 19/12/2018 22:04

Would you recommend taking her to a children's counsellor?

When I took her dummy I felt guilty and apologised to her - I just didn't know what to do. We've cut the dummy down to just bedtime atm as her teeth are really bad. My other DSD came with a dummy at almost 5yo and now she doesn't have one and she likes the fact she's a big girl and her dummy got donated to a little baby that needs it more. Anyway off topic and just rambling.

Is there any way I could try and stop this behaviour other than what I'm already doing/not doing? I can't bear to see them both this upset especially when I have to use 'time out.

OP posts:

ElfClimbingTree · 20/12/2018 15:27

I wouldn’t take the dummy or reduce it just now -it must be a confort to her - maybe wait until things have settled down.

I don’t know why the 3 year old has moved in with you but the change must be confusing and difficult for her. I think you need you focus on helping her rather than punishing. Gentle reminders about kind behaviour while trying to keep the 2 year old safe. It sounds difficult. Maybe your GP could advise on a place that could help her.

3 year olds can’t be bullies - they are just very young children learning how the world works.

Redcrayonisthebest · 20/12/2018 17:03

Can I suggest that you pop over to the adoption boards and post a question there? This little girl has lost the family she knows (and I'm guessing life was far from perfect whilst she was there) I don't know enough about it but it really, really feels like all these punishments aren't going to work for her. She needs to bond with you all and be helped to form attachments. The folk on adoption have a great deal of expertise at these "time in, rather than time out" strategies.
This sounds difficult for you....good luck.

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