7yo not herself anymore, acts up and is unhappy

[concernedandworried]

I would love some thoughts on how to get to the bottom of what is causing my lovely 7yo to act up all of a sudden!

My 7yo DD has always been a happy, strong willed, spirited child and lives up to the middle child stereotype in many ways. She is also quite bright and has excelled in school. I acknowledge that she can be a handful at times but looking at recent (from this summer) feedback from teachers/coaches/instructors, she has also been called 'delightful' with lovel manners, and a fun addition to the group.

This has all changed since September. Ever since she started year 2, she seems deflated and demotivated in school. At home, she used to enjoy word puzzles and even some of the bond books (she thinks NVR is like doing puzzles) but now tells me that she can't see the point of doing them. General feedback from school has changed drastically since year 1. Her current teacher doesn't see her as being gifted or particularly able, she is doing well but nothing which would motivate any extension work or similar. This is a big, sudden change from last year.

I also frequently get long emails regarding her behaviour, apparently she talks back to her teachers and throws huge tantrums with tears and screaming. The teacher says she taught another child a swearword, and that she lies to her teachers.

We have absolutely no idea what is going on! Aside from looking a bit down and acting deflated she is not acting like this at home, so it is difficult for me to understand what might be triggering/causing it. I don't recognise my child in these descriptions, and it is breaking my heart. I have tried to work out what could be bothering her but I can't get any answers. We had a death in the family recently, but while this was very upsetting I feel we all talk openly about our thoughts and feelings about this, so I don't really think this could be causing it.

How can I find out what is causing her to act tis way, and how can I help her to change her behaviour?

You're not going to change her behaviour until you get to bottom of what's caused the change!

Any sudden and drastic change in behaviour or demeanour rings alarm bells, somewhere there is a problem.

The change to Y2 can be a big one and some children find the step very difficult, it could be that she's struggling to adjust to some very different expectations.

The death in the family, especially if it was someone your DD was close to, could be having a more profound impact than you have realised. Talking openly is great, but if you DD is trying to process something that doesn't mesh with everyone else, she may bottle it up - especially if she thinks it's stupid/it makes her feel stupid.

What are her friendships like? Is there any bullying going on (particularly the insidious type that can slide under the radar)?

I think you need a chat with her class teacher to start with; nothing remotely accusatory, but highlighting the sudden change in behaviour and manner. Make it clear that you're worried about your DD and would appreciate any input the teacher can give. Does the school have a good pastoral support set up? Your DD may find it easier to talk to someone neutral and school might be able to help with that.

I knew I'd forgotten something, a journal/sketchbook. Some people, children in particular, can find it difficult to have a direct chat about what's going on in their head...even if someone else opens the line of communication. A journal or a sketchbook where they can write about their feelings or draw them out can be a really useful (and therapeutic) tool. These are ways for someone to order their thoughts in a none-pressured way and, if they invite you to look/read, you're not trying to work out what they're feeling anymore - you're helping them work through it and make sense of it.

(these only work if you have a person who likes writing or drawing though)

Andro thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will definitely introduce the journal/sketchbook as I think this is something my DD would enjoy. I really appreciate the suggestion.

At the moment it is as though DD has a wall up between herself and us. I feel as though I can't really reach her. She will say things like 'I'm fine. I'm always fine. Nothing makes me sad' if we ask her about her feelings. I just can't work out what is bothering her but clearly something has changed between now and August.

We have had few discussions with her class teacher regarding this but she hasn't seen or heard anything that could have caused this change in DD. The teacher is out of ideas as to what could be causing this. I personally don't think it is anything to do with bullying. On the odd occasion when there has been a mean comment from a friend it doesn't seem to matter much to DD who shrugs these things off. And she seems to have friends to play with during break.

Hopefully, the journal/sketchbook will help build a door in the wall.

It is entirely possible that your DD genuinely thinks she's fine, at 7yo she may not recognise that there is a problem and therefore that she needs help.

One last thought, there may not be 1 issue. Your DD could have a bit of several things going on; a little bit of the step up to y2 increasing pressure, the death unsettling her a bit, maybe not quite clicking with her new teacher...just a messy collection of a lot of smaller issues that can make unpicking things more challenging.

Good luck rooting out the issue/s, our dc are complex people and I always found 7 to be tricky with my 2 dc (ds used a journal, dd used a sketchbook at that age).

I think it’s hard for kids to articulate what theyre feeling at that age. They don’t always know how to explain it or put it into words.
I reckon what always helps is spending time with them... just playing or doing something they enjoy. It doesn’t magically fix everything but gives them that bit of an anchor.
Not that I really know.. My dd has been acting up a lot too lately. She’s always found it hard to explain why she is upset and at the moment it’s just a mystery

Hi,
Thanks again to everyone who took time to reply. I thought I'd add a little update: it turns out there is another child in my DD class who has exactly the same issues, in their case to the point where they asked to change to a different class. So they clearly felt that whatever caused their child's anxiety was to be found in this class. They say there was no outright bullying but several below the radar things and also a not so great relationship with the teacher.

As our issues are so similar I am now wondering if the same dynamic is what is bothering my DD. It would make sense, as there doesn't seem to be anything specific that she can put her finger on, more than handful of mean comments.

We have a long break over Christmas so we are going to evaluate the situation and see if she will go back to being more of her usual self during these weeks. If so, i think we may have found at least a part of the answer.