My three year old son is normal (though generally loud and energetic) most of the time. But every now and again he has awful, awful tantrums, where he kicks off at things that would usually cause only minor irritation to him. Today, he was taking ages to eat his dinner. There were repeated warnings that we wouldn’t have time for story time at bedtime if he didn’t hurry up. Eventually I said we would only have time for one story. Finally, he finished and I asked him to undress for bedtime as usual. He started whinging and flopping around on the floor instead, and after telling him to get on with it a few times I resorted to threatening no stories at all. And then helping him undress, which is when he started little ‘test’ hits and kicks. The sort of half mischievous, not-really-sore’ lashing out he does before he really kicks off. Then he really starts, and it’s hitting and kicking and spitting on us! Hubby and I decide just to get him to bed ASAP and at first we try to calm him down and persuade him to let us brush his teeth and put his PJs on, and then we end up doing it for him while holding his hands and dodging his kicks. Finally, in his room he is spitting on the floor, kicking us and the furniture and hitting and pinching. This whole tome we have been talking calmly and trying to get him to take deep breaths and calm down. It’s not working. He tells us, in his childish voice, that he wants to tear our face and our lips and ears off, and kick our heads. He isn’t showing signs of calming. Finally, only threats of taking toys and putting them in the bin persuades him to lie down and go to sleep.
I am at a loss. Since he turned three, this behaviour started. He hasn’t even been exposed to violence of any sort, I don’t know where he gets it from. I have sought advice about his behaviour before. Yes, he may have been tired (even though there was nothing particularly tiring about his day compared to any other), and yes, maybe his anger had been building up over a few days (though again nothing particularly unusual stands out to have caused his anger). But I just don’t understand why he is being so extreme when we don’t react to his anger!? In the beginning we would get angry but he’s been having these episodes (about one or two a month) for half a year now and we have learned to stay calm.
As his behaviour is normal the rest of the time, I don’t believe he is on the autistic spectrum (which my mother suggested, as she does find him to be a bit extreme though I think she was just lucky that her own children were generally shy, quiet types), and his nursery teachers find him to be fine and have not raised any concerns, and neither does the health visitor.
So what am I doing wrong? There’s nothing going on in his life, it’s just these tantrums cropping up every month or so and as they keep continuing obviously we must be doing something wrong?! The tantrums rarely end with calming down and cuddles I might add, it’s just usually him sobbing or tantruming himself to sleep. It’s not always before bedtime either, often it’s during the day, but I make him take a nap anyway.
What can I do better? I’m in bits about this, I love him so much but he acts like a psychopath when he has these episodes and it’s really distressing