Dealing with other aggresive children

[chocolatepig]

My dd is 2 now and recently at one of our toddler groups there have been occasions where another child has pushed her, I have watched from the sidelines to see how she handles the situation and most of the time she will look confused/annoyed, walk off and cry and look for me. (The incidents haven?t been bad enough for me to speak to the other child?s mother, if they were believe me I would intervene)

My question is this, what do you tell your child to do, walk away & ignore or push back?
I?m sure the ?right thing? to do is walk away, but at the same time I want her to be able to stand up for herself.

this is a nightmare. i never know what to do. it really annoys me when other parents don't keep an eye on how their toddlers are behaving. if i saw my ds push another child i'd be straight over to put him straight. however i have never intervened with another child. i've seen parents arguing in the play barns about whos kid is in the wrong and i just don't want to go there. The only time i would think it acceptable to tell another persons child how to behave is if they were in my house - and then with extreme caution. part of me always feels a complete wimp for avoiding confrontation though, and i wonder if i will pass that onto ds.

Such a tricky one. Some parents are very offended when someone steps in and makes any sort of comment (see previous threads).
What to say ?
That pushing is not o.k. - that way she knows that she is not expected to do it - and that also you are telling her that it is not o.k. for anyone else to do it to her.

We had the same problem, we always told ds not to hit back and to tell an adult to sort it out. Problem was that from about 2 years he was bullied a bit by another child at nursery. We asked nursery after several months of this what ds's reaction was and they said he just let the child do it. We then told him to run away and tell an adult. This didn't stop it either.

We then told him to hit him back. We gave him clear rules that he could never hit a smaller child that hit him and should only hit another child if they had hit him more than once. A bit more complex than we wanted and we have had to say it many times to make sure ds gets it!

The bullying stopped although the 2 of them do still fight with each other but I am much happier with that. However, we have been asked several times by nursery why ds has justified hitting by saying "mummy and daddy told me it was alright" - they are clearly not happy with our stance. However, as they consistently failed to deal with the problem that's just tough!

There is no easy solution to this and I think it depends on her personality but I have come to the view that in the face of systematic agression from another child it is not a bad thing for someone to push back - it tends to stop it more effectively than any amount of adult intervention would. The problem is in getting your child's response to be appropriate and I am still struggling with that.

Don't think my 2yo would be capable of responding consistently esp. to complicated rules. AND I do think that advice to push back makes things escalate (small push from child 1, enormous push from child 2, hitting from child 1, etc it won't stop before tears come out).

Had a chronic biting child at one group.
I hovered over my DS and kept as much of an eye as I could on the biter.

So yes, I was poised to intervene, and don't understand your reluctance to do the same, if you've spotted a child with a chronic problem. If only to rush up and say "Now now, let's not argue!" when you can see the pushing child is about to get wound up. Or even "Please don't push," if you didn't get there in time.

mmm... sorry, think that message would have been better written as:
Teach your children to try to prevent problems, and to try not to escalate them too.

For the longest time, I stood by while other kids pushed & hit DD and snatched things from her, because I did not want to offend other mothers. And she just let it happen. She was a late walker and took ages to get stable on her feet, so tended to fall hard and bad when pushed. She started fearing other kids.

I realized that she would never learn to say "No" and stand up for herself if I did not show her all this was not OK. Now I hold a charging toddler and say (in a nice voice) "No. It is not nice to push others." or some such. DD started to say "No" as well when kids snatch/push/etc.

To each their own, but this is what worked for us.

At the co-op (kids aged 20 months to 3+), we always tell children to use their words. If a child is being pushed or hit or anything of that sort, they should shout 'no!' or 'stop!' or whatever works for them, so someone will come running and sort it out.

It's quite hard for a two-year-old to run away, and hitting back just isn't on, imo.

Message withdrawn

Think hitting back in some circumstances is justified - I would if it was me but know that to some people this will always be wrong. Could not stand by and let child continue to hit ds and ds allow it to happen - of course he told people afterwards and shoulted "no" but it never stopped it.

Do think that it is not always wrong in life to hit people back and after a lot of agonising this is the message we give our children (albeit reluctantly).

my dS has pushed otheres and been pushed, i always tell hi it is wrong and if at toddler group i see him do it, i tell him, if another child does it to him, and the parent isn't around i would say to the other child something like ' you musn't push it isn't nice' but wouldn't scold them as it isn't my place to do that.
I'm afraid i think telling your child to hit / push back is wrong under any circumstances.
In a nursery situation where you aren't there surely it is the nursery staff's job to intervene? I am shocked that they wouldn't do more to deal with this if a child is being bullied!

Maybe you could speak to her, how does she want to deal with it? the other parent could know if you know each other because she or he may have seen this themselves. Another child should not be pushing your child the toddler group should know about this and if they do should intervene. Talk to the toddeler group leader as they should be dealing with this to assure your child is happy.

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's a comfort to know others have been in the same boat, this is such grey area and obviously there is no right answer.
Goosey Loosey I too am so surprised at the response of the staff at your nursery, particularly since that's what there they for! I am inclined, if it carries on to tell my daughter the same as you did your son.