Perfect. 5 yr old outside, nightmare at home

[seizethecuttlefish]

Just that really. DS started school in August. His school say his behaviour is great. They have no issues. When he's with family and friends, apart from being a bit shy he's great. At home he can swing between and angel and a monster. I'm at my wits end. His behaviour started to deteriorate last Christmas. I was pregnant and it was a really difficult pregnancy. We put it down to him not getting much time with me. I couldn't stand up or move about and we've always been quite active.
DS2 is 7 months now. DS1 seems to genuinely love him and has never demonstrated any negative behaviour towards him. However he is trashing the house, when he doesn't get his own way. Kicking and punching me and his DH. He's a big boy and there is no way I can lift him if he refuses to do something. Tonight I got DS2 to bed (no mean feat as he's teething and DS1 knows it's been a tough day with him). Spent some time with DS2 and did his bedtime routine, right on time. He went to bed and then reappeared 10 mins later. I sent him back to bed. He proceeded to stomp, kick walls, slam doors and do everything possible to wake his brother up. I gave him a row and put him back to bed. He slammed his door, threatened to wet the bed and started stomping again. I took DS2 downstairs to try and settle him. DS1 threw the cat bowl and all the biscuits down the stairs, took all the laundry I'd sorted out and threw it downstairs, he then opened a cat pouch and jumped on it so it sprayed food up the wall. I heard a commotion but was settling DS2 and didn't want to engage with DS1. When I went to put DS2 back to bed, I saw the destruction. I asked him why he did it. He told me it's because he hates me. DS2 soup again, as his brother has shouted and screamed his head off. I've never hit him but tonight I had to walk away or I would have beaten him black and blue.
I feel like I've tried everything but there must be someone out there with a suggestion. I don't think it's ADHD as it only happens in the house. I seems worse at bedtime but can happen any time. I've tried focusing on the good and ignoring the bad. Reward charts. Pocket money for behaving. Time outs. We started mindfulness at his school but i can't seem to find a solution. I try to make sure he gets some time without his brother and just us, as I thought that was the issue but it doesn't seem to matter. Any ideas? Please tell me there is a solution. I'm sitting here with a wide awake baby. No chance of sleep and I'm crying. I'm still so angry with him. It's ridiculous.

Can anyone help?

You mention your DH early on in your post but then it doesn’t appear that he’s in the fray with you later on? Is he around to help? Other than the DS2s arrival has there been any other significant change in your lives?

I honestly think this sounds likely to be emotional. He can regulate his behaviour at school- but at home (with you, where he feels safe and secure) he's exploding. He's acquired a new sibling (who steals mummy's time and attention). He loves him but it's still a huge change for your eldest and he's struggling with that. He's also started school (stressful in itself with lots of new stuff to acclimatise to but also another thing which means he's losing time with you). Don't underestimate how emotionally tough that can be for him. My DS1 struggled hugely with both DS2's arrival (despite adoring him) and starting school.

Is he in other ways quite mature and articulate? You mention that he knew you'd had a tough day with DS2 but still acted up. I wonder if you're overestimating his ability to control his emotions/be sensitive to yours, especially as he's now the big brother (another stressful pressure/change). I don't mean to criticise- I do the same thing myself sometimes. But he really is too little to expect much in terms of empathy/self regulation.

My experience is that when behaviour is rooted in emotional stress and tiredness, 'behaviour management' (whether punishment or rewards) isn't very effective and the best thing to do is to remain calm (much easier said than done), acknowledge his emotions ("I can see you're very angry" etc) and offer a cuddle. For my own DS1 (age 5) a cuddle diffuses an awful lot!

In practical terms, is he getting enough sleep? You mention it's all worse at bedtime so is over tiredness exacerbating things (again- school doesn't help there- by this stage of term they are knackered, especially when they are so little) If you think he's tired can bedtime be adjusted (much easier said than done with a baby in the mix as well, I know). Does he get plenty of down time to do not very much?

Finally, have you ever come across love bombing? Might be worth a look. You say in your OP that you've tried to up one on one time, but can you make more space for that and make sure he has really concentrated time with you? Again, that's really tough with a young baby, I know.