how would you handle these issues raised by the school?

[truthtopower]

I put an earlier thread on here, might have been in chat. DD started Reception this year and at the 6 week point her teacher said she had had problems settling in and was doing things like lying on the floor refusing to participate. I was a bit shocked, I had had no idea. People on that thread gave a mixed response - a combination of cooperate completely with the teachers who have a hard job / give it time she will settle down / the transition to school is hard and not for every child so be on DD's side.

We are a few weeks on. DD has received 2 certificates which means she must be doing something right (they are for class points and only about 10 out of 60 children in her year got them).

On the other hand the school say she is still 'difficult' When I asked what this means first they said she is a bit 'rough' - it sounds like she tries to initiate play with one of the boys by shoving him. Today they said she walked up to other children and pinched them in the face.

As it is after school hours I can't get more information. I asked DD what happened and why and she won't tell me.

DD was at nursery full time for about 3 years before this and never had any problems, I'm including that so as not to drip feed - if these are behavioural problems, they are new.

She is my first and only, and I am a LP and quite isolated so noone to talk it over with. As far as I can see I need to get full information from the school and find out whether it was rough play or malicious, what exactly happened. Has anyone else experienced similar and any advice?

I don't to tell DD to be good, or play gentle, or things that are typically only said to girls. But also don't want her to hurt other children. I did sit down with her tonight and made that clear as I could.

I can remember your other thread. Difficult is an odd term to use when describing children. Could you request a meeting with a teacher to discuss exactly what’s going on?

Second requesting a meeting with the teacher (without DD present if possible), and discuss it. They might have some more details and practical suggestions, and you can also put your point about not having had any problems at nursery. Hopefully together you can make some progress.

Update if you are still there.. I met with the teacher, they and I are on the 'same page' - completely. We can kind of both see that DD is not being deliberately naughty, or acting out of anger or mean-ness. The way we both describe it, is it is like a cog is loose in her brain and she keeps doing these random naughty things almost as though she does the thing in a non-thining state. She then gets told off, but looks blank - if you ask her why she did the naughty thing she can't tell you, because she doesn't even know.

It's getting worse not better - last Friday she had to sit out because she walked up to a boy and randomly punched him in the face. Today she randomly bit a boy next to her out of nowhere. In both cases made them cry.

I feel terrible. I don't even know other parents at the school - due to work I rarely do drop off / pick up. So I don't even get to seek them out, figure out who it is and apologise. Apparently DD today also refused to apologise herself.

As per pp I'm on my own and struggling to know what to do, the school didn't really have nay suggestions beside making DD sit out when she is naughty in the area for children who don't cope well with socialising. If it was an anger issue we both agree we could help her with that - but it doesn't seem to be. It's more like some kind of brain malfunction, I know that sounds weird. And only since she started school.

She doesn't do this at home, or even at friends' houses when out of my sight with other children - at those times she is absolutely fine.

I've sent her straight to bed with as little attention as I could give her on the way in the door. Other than introducing a reward chart.. any ideas? Thank you.

What are the school actually suggesting is the issue?
If you both feel that she isn't being "naughty" then I'd want her observed to see what is the reason behind it.

A couple of things from the original post:
Class points (as often is said on here) are often at that age given for being "not bad" to the children who struggle more with behaviour. Or as my dd1 put it in reception "they get it for making bad choices in the morning, then not making as many in the afternoon".
Was she pleased to get it or indifferent? If she's pleased, perhaps see if they can do a sticker book for her. That's what my ds had, and they'd give stickers/smiley (or sad) faces out about 6 times a day. It meant that you can see immediately what sort of day he'd had and allow you to talk it through, but also they can work towards each small section and not feel they'd ruined the whole day by being cross first thing. It meant a "bad choice" had a mark in a book, but then they could leave that and work towards having a good one next time.

I don't to tell DD to be good, or play gentle, or things that are typically only said to girls these things are not only said to girls, and are totally appropriate in your dd's case. I never said those to either of my girls, but I said (and still do) to ds.

Thanks Witch aAs in my post, the school are saying the issue is that DD does these things out of nowhere. Example - all the children are doing x activity, DD walks over to boy and hits him in the face. Or children are all getting ready to go for lunch and the teachers see DD for no particular reason bite the boy next to her on the arm.

It is the randomness that is the hard part. It is not malicious, it is not out of anger, it is not deliberately naughty. It is as though her brain skips a beat, she does something - and then has no way of explaining why she did it, because she does not know. She does know it is naughty, but not why she did it.

the school and I are at least in agreement on that part.

The class points are mostly for reading and homework. So not for bad behaviour. DD likes the assembly 'show' where they parade out and get clapped but is a bit 'meh' about the certificate.

I have written a letter for the school suggesting we start a joint sticker chart, just focused on her behaviour towards other children. For the next week I have her advent calendar as a 'prize' that can be won and am considering holding all 7 doors each week in December until the weekend so she has to earn the toys, any other ideas?

What I meant by what are the school saying is that this clearly isn't "normal" behaviour. If she was clearly getting frustrated and lashing out, then it might be immaturity. However just walking up and doing it, isn't normal at all.

The fact she didn't do it last year is saying to me there's an issue somewhere round the school.
I would expect them to be looking for her to be observed, potentially by educational psychologist. There's quite awaiting list for that usually, so getting her on soon might be helpful.

I'm not convinced by doing the advent calendar. What are you going to do if she doesn't earn it? The children may well discuss advent calendars at school (mine did, that's how they found out about chocolate ones!) and also having one a day is nicer than a bunch at once at the weekend.

I might give her the advent calendar chocolate at the beginning of the day so she doesn't get it if she's been making "bad choices" if you see what I mean. Then again I think by the sound of it, a week might be really hard to get through before she sees the reward.

The marble jar might work (marble for each "good time"-split it into several a day). But at present when she's so small and struggling, it's almost a treat a day level. If she's got through each day without incident (you have to tell the teacher you're doing this so they can give you thumbs up/thumbs down at pick up) something little like going to the park after school or helping you make a cake. Things she enjoys doing, you give her a bit of attention and it doesn't mean that if she's pushed someone at the start of Monday morning she's going to not have that chocolate at the weekend.

Thank you. I didn't know you could ask for a psychologist. Think I might see how things go this week then that could be an option, I'd rather get to the bottom of it sooner.

Thanks also for the perspective on her rewards.