2yo is anxious - feel like it's my fault

[LilleVen]

Hi there,

This is my first MN post.

I have a lovely son who will be 2 in a couple of weeks. He's been going to a childminder (who happens to be my SIL) since he was 11 months and he adores SIL. He's a sensitive child and has always been nervous around others, even some of those he knows (he is really wary of my FIL for example, and he shows this by crying), I've tried to reassure as best as possible in the hope that this was a phase but I haven't managed to do that. He's slowly getting better with FIL but he's been like this for well over a year now, and we see FIL every month.

We tried to go on a playdate to the aquarium a few months ago but he was scared of everything and just clung to me the entire time. My friend's child on the other hand (one day younger than mine) loved it and was clapping/squealing happily at everything. I put it down to it being a new place and being in the dark, but he seems to have gotten worse - he now has a habit of making hyperventilating sounds whilst pointing - I have no idea what is making him do that as he doesn't point at anything specific and a lot of time it's just the wall. He can't speak properly yet (have been told not to worry here as he's growing up bilingual) so it's hard to pinpoint what it is - if I ask yes/no questions he doesn't respond to those either. I really try to reassure and understand but it's difficult to do that effectively when I don't know what the trigger is.

Anyway. My childminder's supervisor rang me today, which is unusual, and asked me if I knew of anything that could have made him anxious. I said I didn't know, that I had noticed the hyperventilation sounds and that I always try to calm him. She asked if I was a sensitive child and I told her I couldn't remember - I don't speak with my mother so I can't ask her. She then asked me whether I had a connection with my mother and I was honest and said no ... but what has that got to do with my connection with my son? She asked me if I was a sensitive person and I was honest and said yes - but I didn't know whether that was genetic or whether it was raised by issues brought about by a rubbish childhood (said issues have come to the forefront recently).

She was really nice and I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but I now feel my son's anxiety is my fault. I briefly spoke to my husband and he wasn't called or questioned about anything - it was just me who got called and grilled.

I'm having a tough couple of months at the moment due to losing my job whilst pregnant with twins and horrendous family issues ... this anxiety with my son is hopefully just a phase and on any other day I could have dealt with it but I just feel like it's my fault because of who I am. I come from the UK but live in a different country so I don't have much of a network in that sense over here. I feel alone quite a bit but even more so when something like this happens as I don't have anywhere to turn.

Does anyone have any experience with anxious toddlers who can't communicate that well? I'm not managing to reassure him so would like to know what I can do right. Thanks in advance.

I know that you feel like you’ve been “grilled” but was it really like that Lille. It’s hard to tell the tone when things written but it just seems like the Superbisor is trying to understand if there’s anything going on at home which would affect his anxiety levels. As it’s the Mum who usually provides most of the Childcare in many cultures, it doesn’t seem unreasonable that these questions were aimed at you rather than your partner.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough couple of months. Are you doing anything to ease your own anxiety? I’ve found yoga, exercise, Eating Well and guided meditation have all helped me. I do think too that it might be worth looking into getting some Counselling if you’re having “horrendous family issues”

As for your little boy, there’s a bi/multilingual section on MN where you may get some help with his delayed speech.

If he’s not responding to questions though, I’d be tempted to get his hearing checked and do the m-chat.

Welcome to MN too

Thanks for the reply :-)

You're right, it wasn't a "grilling", so to speak. I think she caught me at an unlucky time and definitely off guard - as I'm going through a period where my confidence has been shot to shit I was probably a bit sensitive.

I live in Scandinavia where the childcare is definitely shared out more equally - my SIL had advised her supervisor to call both of us but she only called me. I guess maybe it seems more natural to call the mum but my husband would definitely have been able to give insight as well - he is after all another parent, not to mention the fact he's a native speaker so can express himself way better than I can in the majority language here! So in terms of the culture here, I do find it a bit odd (as did my husband). But never mind - it's done now, and now it's another day where I'm seeing a bit more clearly I'm choosing to see this as a positive thing, that they're attentive to these things. Would be worse if there was an issue and they didn't give a toss about it after all!

I should clarify wrt my son's speech - he usually responds to yes/no questions by nodding or shaking his head. It's only when he's having his anxious moments that he doesn't respond. I didn't know there was a bilingual chat here so I'll check that out - thank you :-)

I've just started seeing a psychologist regarding the family issues. It involves my parents and cutting contact with them for reasons I won't go into right now, but it's definitely the right decision due to a horrible past - I should have done it years ago. Saying that, it's meant that I've felt a bit lost as I don't really have that many people to turn to. At least not without feeling like I'm being annoying (hence why I joined MN as here I'm anonymous).

Thanks again for your reply :-)

I hope you do find MN helpful. I think there’s a living overseas section too

Hello LilleVen, I don't have first hand experience of this sort of thing, but just wanted to say hang in there and that it sounds like you're doing everything in a thoughtful and kind way.

I have no connection with my mother either and that's not to be underestimated in terms of the stress that can place on a person, even where (in my case too) there are compelling reasons for not being in touch.

I was a fairly anxious child, more than I had originally remembered and have only worked this out from home videos. I used to love routine and one on one time.

I'm sure you've thought of this already, but are there any common sensory factors around the little one's anxiety - noise, people, bright lights, over-stimulation?

Hi Stargazy, thanks for responding. I'm sorry to hear you have similar issues with regards to connection with your mother. I still don't know whether my cutting of contact is temporary or permanent ... she won't give me the space or headspace to figure anything out so I've sadly had to put a block on her number as every time she texts, she is not respecting the space I have requested which just gets me angry.

With regards to my son, I think he's been slightly better within the last couple of days but I cannot pinpoint any patterns with the times that he has been anxious. He gets anxious in supermarkets and shopping malls but his response there isn't hyper ventilation, it's more signalling to be picked up. I ask him if he can point at what's making him nervous/scared but I still cannot work it out as it appears to be at a blank wall. He'll occasionally babble and use hand gestures like hitting his stomach gently with the flat of his hands, as if he wants to emphasise a point, but it's super difficult without speech. I should have tried harder with signing when he was little :-( but there's no point me fretting about that right now!

If he’s anxious when you’re out, try putting him in sunglasses and a baseball cap and if that doesn’t help, try ear defenders as well.

I hope you manage to resolve things with your mother in time, LilleVen. Such tricky territory to navigate, but you've got to put yourself and your family first. The rest will hopefully fall into place.

Excellent idea about sunglasses/ear defenders. That might help narrow it down. If he's not pointing at anything in particular perhaps more evidence that it's to do with being overwhelmed by sound/people/bright light etc. Glad he's doing better! 😊