So worried about my nearly 6 year old...

[54321andbreathe]

Hi all, I have never posted on Mumsnet before and I realise there are lots of posts about kids behaviour, but I am just feeling completely desperate and wonder if anyone has any advice or ideas for what to do.

My son can be a really sweet, thoughtful and kind boy, but I'm finding him increasingly out of control with his behaviour at times. I think the triggers are often basic things like tiredness, hunger, etc, but sometimes even when we've thought of all those things he just completely and utterly loses the plot over seemingly minor things.

Once he's begun to lose it, it's almost as though he just thinks "well, I've blown it now, I might as well go the whole hog" and before we know it he is trashing the house, hitting, kicking, anything. I worry about his safety, our safety, my 1 year old's safety. The only thing that seems to work for him to calm down is if the rage eventually turns to tears and it acts like some kind of a release for him and he'll begin to see sense again, but I honestly think he gets 'high' on the feeling of being so out of control, it's like he sees red and nothing can get through to him. The outbursts are lasting longer than ever and are happening much more frequently - probably at least 3-4 times per week.

We have tried what feels like everything - reward charts, pocket money incentives, lots of positive praise and attention, special times together, more predictability and routine, and yet nothing feels like it's helping. It's really getting me down now, and I just feel so scared for what things are going to be like as he gets older.

He's made some comments that I find really hard to make sense of, such as "my body wants to be angry but I don't want to be", and "I want to send angry me away on holiday but he won't go" or "kind me is on holiday" and "my body wants to be on my own but I don't want to be". He's so remorseful afterwards, but as I say in the heat of the moment absolutely nothing will get through to him. I'm really afraid if we can't get this under control it is going to start affecting his mental health more seriously. And mine. Any advice?? I feel like he has a split personality sometimes.

This sounds so hard. It also sounds a lot like my niece who was diagnosed with ADHD at age 4. There were signs early on (not napping, etc) but it was when she became violent at school that it was picked up and assessed. She is in the US where people are quicker to diagnose, rightly or wrongly - but having a diagnosis has meant she is entitled to one on one behavioural support at school which has been really helpful. Hopefully someone will come along in a bit with more helpful suggestions.

I agree that it could be adhd. People with adhd often have trouble regulating emotions, so that’s one thing to look into.

If Yiu haven’t read it already, have a look at The Explosive Child .

Thanks to you both for your suggestions. I have wondered about adhd because he has just so much energy too. I almost wonder whether the outburst gives him a massive hit of adrenaline and on some level it does actually feel good to him (hence the comment about his body wanting to be angry, even though his head knows he shouldn't). I hadn't heard of that book, but have now ordered it!! Fingers crossed it will give me some ideas. Meanwhile I have also had a good chat with hubby and we have agreed we need to really make tiredness and hunger aren't triggers for behaviours, and also give choices as often as we can so he feels a greater sense of control over what's happening in everyday life. Feel like I'm clutching at straws 🙄 but worth a go...

There is a brilliant book called The Red Beast that explains those physical anger sensations. It has been a godsend for my DD and a couple of friends have found it useful too.

That's a really good suggestion Goldmandra, thank you. I definitely feel it's really important to help him understand and not fear these feelings too.

This video from How to ADHD gives some good tips on how to help regulate emotions which mich help him. There’s a childcand parent yoga class near to us so it might be worth seeing if there’s one near to you

DD1 was like that at the same age - to the point she'd lash out and get herself so angry that she was shaking with it at times. I'd really have to talk her down to get her anger in check when she lost it completely.

Over the last year she's levelled out a lot with it - she still has a really short fuse and explosive temper - but the lashing out has been replaced with tweenage flounces out of the room with a bellowed "you're the worst mummy I've ever had" and the like and you can see her visibly try to check it before the red mist descends completely.

Actually one thing that did open a bit of dialogue for her on it was watching the film Inside Out and discussing how the Anger funny red guy was - she thought he was hilarious, which he is, but it did get her talking about how she'd get cross and explode like he did.