11yr old girl + pushover single mum = disaster

[bakerpants]

Hi. I'm brand new here and seeking a little help. My girl and I live alone together and always have done. We are extremely close and her father sees her two weekends a month.
We have a few problems that I feel I could do with some advice on...

1. She sleeps in my bed. She won't sleep in hers even though I've done all I can to make her room lovely for her. If I ever make her go to her bed, she will wake in the night and creep back to mine while I'm sleeping. Equally, she now refuses to go to bed before I do. I either end up going to bed early with her or letting her stay up late.
2. She simply does not listen to anything I ask of her, is unhelpful, rude and lazy. She is also incredibly selfish, self-centred and greedy. I appreciate I have probably created or somehow encouraged these problems but I don't know how to undo them.
3. She is very talented but doesn't want to spend time nurturing those talents at all. She rarely even reads at home.

This all makes me sound like a terrible mum. Maybe I am. I don't know. But I need to reverse these problems before they escalate (or I go mad!)

I could offer my advice but the problem I think you have is actually implementing things.
I'm sure you know an 11yo is no baby so can understand reason, logic and consequences. In terms of the sleeping in your bed/not going to bed before you, simply be firm. Tell her you are the mother and you need time to yourself in the evening and that sharing a bad at 11yo is not acceptable. Simply put, if you don't want her in your bed then don't let her.
Is there any troubling reason she doesn't want to sleep on her own? Do her friends know about this? It's very strange at her age.

I don’t think you’re terrible at all. I do think you need to have a think about how you want to move on. Do you want to be her friend or her Mum?

If you want to be her friend, then you’re fine carrying on as you are.

If you want to start putting some boundaries in place I’d start by sertiing a bedtime. My 11 year old goes to bed at 8.30 pm, with lights out at 9pm. I know it’s a bit early but she does need lots of sleep.

How about taking her out for something to eat and having a little chat with her. Tell her that you love her but you’ve let things slip. It’s fine for her to sleep in bed with you, but you need a little time to yourself in the evening and she needs some extra sleep. How about setting her bedtime in the week to 9 pm with lights out at 9.30 pm? I’d also turn the WiFi off at 8.30 pm and take her phone so that she gets a decent time to wind down before bed.

If she’s not listening to you and being rude, are you giving her any sanctions? My DD has argued over having a shower this evening, we’ve reiterated that she has to shower regularly, it’s just what’s expected, she’s still argued so we’ve calmly stated that if she doesn’t shower, she’ll lose her phone for a day. She has very begrudgingly had a shower.

Welcome to MN too

It might be worth asking MNHQ to move this thread over to the Preteen Section too. There’s lots of MNers in there going through similar issues.

Have you found the lone parent’s section yet too? That one should be useful

She old enough to have a conversation with about bedtime. Set a bedtime, 8.30 or 9 seems reasonable and lock your bedroom door.

I think perhaps I'm a bit soft on her. The bed thing seems to be related to her being very attached to me, not wanting to be without me, so it's hard for me to push her away like that. I don't want her to feel rejected. She is otherwise a very confident, popular and outgoing child. She is very firm that her friends shouldn't know where she sleeps.
Yes, I know being soft on her isn't good, and she needs boundaries. It's partly because it's just she and I at home and her dad is a bit hands-off that I feel she needs extra love from me. But I'm aware that shouldn't translate into letting her get away with murder!! She's very willful and intelligent, and thus stubborn and argues her point till the cows come home - very exhausting for me!
I've spoken to her calmly a lot about these issues, and even had an "intervention" with her dad there, to no avail 😔
ARGH!!

Ps. How do I get this moved to preteen/lone parents? I'm new and have no idea!! 🤣

You can move any thread by pressing “report” on your original post, a box will pop up and you can ask MNHQ in that box to move your thread and say where you would like it moved to.

Could you make a start by sorting out bedtime and when she’s used to being in the bed alone for an hour or two, think about her moving to her own bed later?

I struggled with getting my daughter to sleep and stay in her bed. She moaned it was too light (got black-out curtains), too dark (night-light), bed was too small (new double bed), too noisy (landlord has spoken with neighbours and they are better). In the end I had to be very firm but we still have lapses.

I'm also a single parent. It is hard at times. I've had to be seen as the parent and not a friend she can boss around. I'm in charge and I've had to enforce it. Her father can be controlling and I think she feels powerless with him. I think she acts out against that.

I've had to be seen as the parent and not a friend she can boss around.

I think this is the key. You can still be there for her, have fun with her just not as her best mate but instead as her Mum

I've instigated a "reading hour" where she goes and reads in her bed for an hour every night. Hopefully, this will help her feel more comfortable in her own space. Her behaviour seems a lot better this week, and I think she notices the difference that makes to the general "vibe" in the house. Let's see if it lasts. As my friend pointed out, there's a lot of early pubescent hormones around at the moment, which may account for some of it...

The reading hour seems like a very sensible step and your friend is right about the hormones