The right way to handle bad behaviour - ignore it or lose your rag over it!!

[mammabelleboo]

My 20 mo dd has been demonstrating naughty behaviour in the shape of biting, scratching and pushing. She has scratched from 10 months and has also now progressed onto biting and she will shove other kids when they are trying to join in with things she's playing with. With the biting and scratching, she has been worse lately with the onset of temper tantrums - I guess the terrible 2's! This behaviour comes out when we stop her from doing something she wants to do or if I pick her up from playing when it's time for nappy change or whatever. She really gets quite angry and has a real 'rage face'on her. I've tried time out in her cot - after a few mins I'll go up, get her to say sorry 9at that age I don't suppose she knows what sorry is, but it makes me feel better!) and when I say 'Why are you in there' she will say 'scatched Mummy' - so she knows exactly what she's done. This dosn't seem to be working as she is continually doing it and I'm at my wits end. Today, I tried another tactic - she grabbed both my cheeks and pinched them really hard - so she was inches from my face and I bellowed at her as hard as I could and burst into genuine tears. This sent her into an absolute paddy as I think I scared her (now feel really awful as I've probably mentally scarred her for life!!). I'm just so desparate to snap her out of this bad behaviour - I can cope with it more when she does it to us or family but I don't want her to do it to other kids or she'll have no friends! What's the best thing to do - keep on with the time out, bellowing at her etc and letting her know i'm not happy with her or just ignore the behaviour? Am I fuelling it by giving an almighty reaction? It dosn't seem right to ignore as that's like condoning it! Help! - Sorry this has turned into a bit of an essay - hope you are all still awake!!!
Any advice welcomed. Ta!

Gracej, I think the consensus is that you ignore tantrums and with aggressive behaviour eg biting you tell a child this age that is wrong -calmly and firmly- and then move on.
They are too young to have any self control so it's more a case of using the biting or whatever as an opportunity to remind them of the limits.

The sweetest toddlers can be surprisingly aggressive. It's a completely normal development phase as they learn that a) they are independent beings and b) the world doesn't always run the way they want it to.

As other posters have said, consistency is really important. Tantrums, ignore as much as you can. Hitting, biting etc remove the child, say something like "We don't hit, it hurts" and distract them. When mine hit me I would put them on the ground and say "I can't play with you if you hit me" and move away. DOn't expect dramatic improvements, it is a development phase, but stick with it and things should get better.

To the poster who said none of the other babies in her group did this, what you see (and hear about)at baby group doesn't always reflect reality.

Sorry girls, but what you suggest hasn't worked for us. I've tried telling DS1 not to grab his little brother (he never hits/bites other children), it just didn't work. And oh yes, he knows what he is doing.
DS1 is 2.5 years (maybe a bit older that yours?).
Yesterday I started using the naughty corner, and I am already seeing some improvement.
So I think, if ignoring, talking doesn't work at first, you really need to teach your child that naughty behaviour has a consequence.

grace, Hope it continues to work for you. I think often though what happens is that people spend time, loads of time, putting the child back on the naughty step so that they can complete their time on it, the child can see it as a huge challenge and keeps walking away and before you know it you are spending a whole morning in a nightmare, negative scenario caused by one small incident.

I think time is much more usefully spent playing with the child on something else that distracts them. And on being patient, keeping on telling the child what is and isn't appropriate.

However of course if it works, it works - great! I've just heard of lots of difficulties with this approach.

Grace, your child IS older than the child in the OP. There is huge difference in developmental terms between 20 months and 2.5. DD is 2.6 and her cousin is 20 months.

We started doing time out with DS somewhere between the age of 2.6 and 3. I'm glad it is working so quickly for you.

mammabelleboo - just to reassure you some more, your DDs behaviour seems normal to me. FWIW I stressed about my DD1s behaviour when she was a toddler. I felt so sure I had to nip her 'naughtiness' in the bud and I searched around for techniques and advice to set her on the road to good behaviour I feel quite foolish about it now, with hindsight and I am much more relaxed about DD2 normal toddler behaviour.

Something that worked with both my children - When they went through the hitting out stage I'd take their hand and rub it on my face and say "We touch people gently. Gently" and she'd copy me. I used this consistently and it served as a way to teach acceptable things to do with our hands and probably served as a distraction too.

You could try the same thing with biting. I know some people have had success at telling their children mouths are for kisses. Perhaps get your DD to kiss her hand? My DD2 bites her own hand when she is fruatrated It's very sad to see her do this.

She's really not being naughty. She's frustrated and doesn't have the adequate communication skilsl to tell you what is the matter.

Just read last night's post (posted after a glass or 2 of wine) & i seem to have contradicted my original post where I said dd is continually naughty, by defending her behaviour and saying she is not continually naughty. Just to set record straight, my 2nd post is more accurate - just seems like continual, I suppose - like foxybrown says, I think sometimes it's hard to keep things in perspective - it seems like a continual problem until you really sit down and analyse it and actually, it's not all the time, although it is happenning quite regularly - enough to make me upset. I think sometimes the anticipation of it makes it seem continual. Anyway, this is a bit by the by, but wanted to set the record straight. More interesting reading since last night - thanks to all.

gracej - i also use a "time-out" technique with ds (2.5) as he gets older, but I don't need to do it very often, partly I believe, because the ignoring tantrums and responding quietly and firmly to hitting approach,worked when he was very young - but as you point out parenting is about dealing with the behaviour, but it is also about dealing with children of different ages and different personalities - it is worth keeping an open mind because what works for my lo might not work for yours. It is great to hear what other MNers do.