Lost my patience feel like a crap mum

[ohffsflamingo]

Name changed.
My dd is very strong willed, and I just get so tired of the repetitive nature of our life and being ignored or controlled or ordered about. She's 7.

There are several things happening for me- she was initially diagnosed with attachment issues due to our early life with very abusive exh. Now the diagnosis may be changed to asd as school have flagged up.
I'm having a terrible time coming to terms with this. It means it's physiological not environmental, i am angry. I have been fighting and hoping and on the ball up til now.
Now I feel I see behaviour in her that I recognise from my exh, and realise he probably has undiagnosed asd. The trauma I experienced at his hands is being triggered and the irrational fear she'll be like him( took pleasure in others pain, very abusive and controlling).
Of course she's not and we have a lovely relationship and things have been improving

But tonight she had the mother of all meltdowns, and instead of being patient I was triggered and shouted and threw cushions aggressively at her. I'm so so tired of doing this. I miss the old me. I am a lone parent, and I was feeling sad that I am not able to have a 'normal' life with a partner and more kids. I mourn the life I should've had.
Most of the time I am a damn fine mother.
Tonight I was shit. I hate myself.
She kept saying 'you hit me' and I said it was cushions. She said 'but it was unloving'.

I said yes. I was being the child. I'm sorry. But it doesn't excuse it.
I'm terrified she'll tell school and I'll have ss round. I deserve it.

No advice... just wanted to say you're not a crap Mum, you're a very good Mum who had a crap moment. You have apologised to DD, and you will get past it.

Thankyou.
I fight the good fight. When I f*^k up I am reminded it can be so fragile.

You are not a crap mum, it is hard work bringing up a child with these traits especially on your own; it can be exhausting with not much respite. I don't believe my dd has asd but I do believe she has many traits of pda (demand avoidance ) and I am finally going to the GP to request an assessment next week. I have an older dd who does not have these traits and the contrast in bringing them up is stark. I don't think people understand and it is hard for me to explain fully - they just think dd is a confident and flamboyant child but there is more to her than this, I believe she is quite complex. It has always been difficult to take her out anywhere because she wont follow instructions and has no sense of fear, I felt like I struggled to keep her safe when she was younger and she would also get into scrapes with her peers and I reached a point where I felt I just wanted to be in the house with her and so became very isolated.
Don't hate yourself, I have had some awful parenting moments, I think we all have, I don't think the cushion thing warrants social services coming round but I do think you deserve some support and another outlet to let off a bit of steam (even if that's just talking to someone). I need some support with knowing how to handle my dd if nothing else and I feel guilty that I find it a relief when she goes off to school (didn't feel this way with my eldest = even more guilt, but dd has been very challenging).
Hold onto that thought that you are a damn fine mother and that you are doing the best that you can for your dd, I look back and now I am a little more gentle on myself realising that the past few years have been very tough but written off as me having a wilful child etc, I am relieved that I am seeking a second opinion and therefore at the very least a listening ear as well as some potential support for dd.

Thankyou so much for your reply.
I know the comparison thing too- dd is at that age when the differences to her peers are coming out.

I hope you find support too. It's all driven by love, that's why it can hurt so much.
I've done parenting courses and changed my 'lens' and got over the fear of other people judging my parenting.
I need to work on this new trigger, before dd gets old enough to suss it.

Oh and she has the no sense of danger thing, so I too have had to be more 'on it' and vigilant to keep her safe. It felt relentless at one point, and we too were confined at home.
We try to channel it with risk taking within boundaries.

I don't really have any advice, but I think all mums at some point get to that point. I know sometimes my kids will just drive me nuts. I'll have had a busy day at work, the kids are being loud, arguing over something pointless, won't accept the fact that I've said "no" to whatever it is they've asked, and I will really shout at them.

I always feel terrible afterwards, and then end up apologising. But only apologising for shouting. I'll just say to them, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you, but when I say no, you need to know that I mean no."

I've just learnt that every time I feel like that, I have to leave them to it, just step away for a couple of minutes to calm down and then deal with it.

You're definitely not a crap mum.

You are not a crap mum you are bloody exhausted.
A crap mum wouldn't feel guilty and wouldn't be trying to find answers and help for her daughter.

Of you snapped. You are a human. You can only take so much. Kids are bloody hard work at the best of times. I hope you can get some outside help x