Nearly 4 year old DD challenging everything

[wapphighwood]

My DD is nearly 4, she has always been hard work, that's her temperament but dealing with it is getting very wearing and I've found myself, at times, losing my patience and then the situation escalated further. I think we need a new approach to her behaviour as we don't seem to be getting anywhere.

Examples: not so much at pre school (although they have said she can be defiant) she challenges pretty much everything she is asked to do, she wants to be in charge, we try our best to not give in and have clear boundaries and consequences but she is so stubborn she will not give in and we have to reach some sort of compromise to move on with life ( we would be late everywhere otherwise!) At times ive had to be more forceful than I'd like as she will not back down e.g pinning down to do teeth or into a car seat. We've tried reward charts and marbles, she isn't bothered. Is it to much to do as she is asked for once?!!!!!
She is a bright girl and has a scarily good memory, sometimes I wonder if there is maybe an underlying condition. She never stops talking from 5.30am, until bedtime and a lot of it is silly made up language that is extremely annoying. If course I ask her to be quiet but she can't or won't. She has extreme reactions to being told off, is this just a normal emotional child? Her sleep is still bad, wakes in night wanting to come in with us which we don't allow and up super early despite still being tired, so behaviour could be tiredness, she does 5 days 8-5 at preschool

I have stumbled across this thread and it literally could have been written about my 3 year old dd. She seems very bright, has a remarkable memory and is very talkative. But she will not do anything she doesn't want to. Even getting her dressed for nursery in the mornings can take an hour and I'm completely exhausted trying to negotiate with her or bribe her to get her to comply. I've tried giving her options, it worked for a short time but she got bored of it quite quickly. She also holds her wee in and potty training isn't going well at all.

Does anybody have any tips?! I'm at my wits end and running out of the patience to deal with her effectively. I am starting the blame myself for her behaviour and wondering if I've done something wrong.

What kind of diagnoses are other people thinking these traits might lead to?

I think it’s interesting that our daughters are all showing very similar traits at the same age. We all describe them as bright and with exceptional memories. I hope that they are just struggling with their brains developing faster than they can cope with emotionally or that it is just an age thing coupled with extreme stubbornness. I was apparently similar personality wise at this age although not as extreme as my dd. I was concerned enough to look for answers and post though so I don’t know if that’s it.
Lavender that sounds tough. My dd picks her nails which i think is an anxiety thing. She has absolutely nothing to be anxious about. I hope you get some answers.
I wish I had an answer hopeful. We have the same struggles although the dressing thing has got easier since I took her to nursery in her pyjamas and told her that she could choose whether her key worker or I dressed her. There was no way she would let her key worker do it. I occasionally threaten it again if she’s being a pain.

Well, I found out that our health insurance doesn't cover 'behavioural' issues today but I've been advised to keep a diary and record anything 'that works' in terms of diffusing the situation. My main concerns are the scratching issue and dds relationships with her peers. I have a contact if I wish to request an assessment/support which makes me feel a bit better but I think there are not going to be any quick answers unfortunately = really frustrating; I'm definitely not one to wish time away but as friendlyghost put it 'it is tough'and I am hoping that dd will grow out of most of this. Parents evening this week - we will see what her teacher has to say!

How was parents evening Lavenderdays?

Welcome to the newbies! It's oddly comforting to know that there are so many of us out there with tricky 3-5 year old girls!

We've had a tricky week with behaviour and sleep - after we'd finally got DD sleeping through the night for 12 hours she is back to being up again, so we are all very tired! She's been very grumpy as a result, and hasn't had a good week. Lots of bursting into tears over little things, problems at nursery and being generally unsettled.

How do others find their daughter's listening skills are? This is another area we are struggling with! :-(

Well, parents evening went much better than expected. Good report really, teacher even blamed dd not listening on dd being very focused on what she was doing and dd described as being ahead of her years, very bright etc. Also, any sharing issues were to do with dd working on a project and being very focused! It appears from what I have heard, that it is the parents with the less confident children that were flagged up more! I left a bit flabbergasted as I was waiting for teacher to say I think your dd has some issues etc. So, i'll take those comments and run for now. Keeping a loose diary about anything that concerns me, for now...perhaps, things are going to get better (fingers crossed), dd has been very hard work so far!

I came on here looking to see if anyone had a post about 4 year old girls that are really stubborn and how to deal with the fall out and could not believe some of the things I was reading.

DD 4 is very advanced and bright with an unbelievable memory. She will ask to go to the toilet when she needs to but this is very seldom (although not a big drinker) has to be almost forced to TRY before bed and before long journeys but there's never any major accidents just the odd damp patch and then she will go off.

She's very stubborn when it comes to clothes choice and she likes everything to be on her terms and if she doesn't like our suggestions she tries to negotiate a deal!

She is also a really bad sleeper. Always has been and even now still wakens in the night several times looking for a cuddle or a drink or just for the pure fun of it really who knows.

No issue with the dark and goes to sleep with no light but info still lie next to her to get off to sleep most nights. This is a really interesting post, glad to know it's not just me. And it's so tough on us parents too, I'm constantly questioning my parenting and wondering how to deal with it all

I've just had a terrible bedtime with my DD, she was in such a rage she was out of control completely. I had to pick her up and carry her upstairs to her room and she grabbed my face hurting my eye. Once in her room she threw her gro clock at me amongst other things. She kept saying I had hit her when I hadn't (and wouldn't ever!) but she wouldn't back down that she was lying about that. This has really upset me, I just feel like I'm getting it so wrong, she doesn't respond to my parenting style, but I can't find what does work . I'm terrified she will tell people I hit her! She is nearly 4 and I can't get this right, is this going to have long term implications?! I'm pretty certain the trigger was over tiredness. Maybe we'll have to stop doing things at the weekend to give her more of a chance to rest but she is so full on it is easier to go out and do things. My husband really doesn't like lots of time just at home at the weekend.
She wet her pants twice this evening because couldn't be bothered to go, and I did give her a hard time about it because this has been going on for months (tried lots of strategies) maybe I went on about it too much and provoked the reaction but nothing seems to be getting through. Would it be terrible to go all out shock tactics and put her back in nappies after being out of them for nearly 2 years?! She would be livid, but maybe it's what she needs?! I'm at a loss, she has me feeling like such a crap mum, and I feel guilty for not enjoying her all the time because she is challenging constantly.
Interestingly parents evening last week I specifically asked about behaviour and they were shocked by what I said she is like at home, she isn't like that at all at pre school. Good on one hand but infuriating on the other, why does she give me such a hard time? I'm worried we'll have an damaged relationship long term if I can't connect better/parent better