Very jealous ds1. Not sure how to deal with it. Tips?

[EvanMom]

ds1 is 2 and ds2 is 1. ds1 never adjusted very well to the arrival of his brother.
I am getting so tired of setting ds2 up doing something only to have it hijacked (every single time) by ds1. I give ds2 a toy and ds1 takes it away. I try giving ds1 a different toy, but he always wants what his brother has, however babyish or boring for a toddler.
I have started to put ds1 on the naughty step when he does it now, but it seems to make no difference at all.
They have no ability to 'play' together, it always ends up with ds2 sat on, pushed, scratched, swiped or kicked and the poor little lad is never, ever left with any toys.
Tips?

Just a quick thought-try "special" time for each one and maybe get a playpen for the 1 year old. He is really way too young to actually "play' with another child and so is the 2 year old. Usually it's about 2.5 plus before children start playing together, I think. If the older one sleeps, play with the littley. When the baby's asleep, make special time for the oldest. It's probably just being a bit jealous because they are so close in age. Try praising good behaviour, ignore bad and try distraction stuff, as in, you can help me do whatever because you can walk and he can't. Sounds great I know, but mine are older and it doesn't work for them now but did to some deree then! If all else fails, sit in the playpen with a large glass of wine!!!!!! You're doing well, they are so small and you must have the patience of a saint. Just you wait until they're teenagers and are bigger than you!!

jollymum, must be why you are so jolly.. playpen+ wine for mum great idea!
evanmum,think jolly is right, ds1 feels his nose has been pushed out of joint, he needs time apart from ds2, with lots of quality 1 on 1. (not always easy I know only too well,) but he's getting your negative attention at the moment, which as they say, is better than none at all.

siblings without rivalry by faber & mazlish - buy it quick!!!

if he behaves well with ds2 lots of praise, if he's mean warn him then remove him from room with no attention?

be consistant & let him know you won't tolerate it. zero tolerance.
don't 'pretend not to see' bad behaviour against little brother he knows you know! not saying you would. it's just i have a friend in this position & I think she feels lost, but also seems to favour 1st born & turns a blind eye to so much.

try to give him lots of time apart from brother (not easy but valuable) and lots of ego boosting what you like about him type talk

I feel very strongly about this & you're right to be concerned. As a child I was on the receiving end of this from big sis. mum clearly gave up trying after about a week, cos my whole childhood is clouded by being bullied mercilessly & treated like shit by big sis while mum did absolutely nothing - sister's outrageous behaviour has been tolerated into adulthood, and now I have been estranged from her, sadly, for 6 years, and very nearly lost relationship with mum too as her lack of action was so hard to deal with.

Jollymum - I like the sound of you.... I am typing this with a large glass of wine! And yes, I do have a lot of patience with two such little ones, but I am sometimes tearing my hair out. I must be mad 'cos with time ticking (35) we are planning to start trying for another very soon - it's why I need to crack this jealousy lark now.
ernest - thanks. Funny though, I have to watch myself sometimes as I tend to err on the side of ds2 too much. He is a totally different child (and easier) than ds1. I find him SO much easier to handle. I think also it stems from a similar situation in that my big sister got away with everything - and I never got away with anything - so perhaps that's why I 'fight' for ds2's rights IYSWIM?

I SO want them to end up best of buddies... you know what I mean, in the pub at 21 and 22, or playing sport together, talking girls etc. That's why I want my kids very close in age.
Cheers x x

Evanmom, just wanted to second Jollymum's point that babies of one and two CANNOT play with other children because at this stage they simply are unable to imagine what someone else is thinking, so it's all me- me-me, so cooperation between two of them is impossible. Even three and four year olds can find this very difficult. So it's not because they are jealous that they don't play together, they just can't.

It's very hard to find things they can do together that they will both like, but a couple of suggestions:

I find bubbles work well for children of all ages. If you stand and blow them they can both chase them around.

Music and dancing. You can all dance around the room together although it depends a bit if ds2 is walking else you will have to pick him up which may cause problems. Although even you are dancing round holding him you can still be talking to ds1 about what you are doing e.g. being lions etc.

If you can make any sort of game out of ds1 doing something for ds2. I remember my ds1 used to love being "in charge" of e.g. bowl of raisins and passing handfuls to ds2; or in charge of the plate of sandwhiches and passing them.

Do you think you could get ds1 to choose a toy for ds2 (from a suitable selection - so he doesn't just get the broken car ) - then he might be less likely to take it away again.

I'm sure it must be hard with the age gap being so small at the moment but hopefully it means it won't be long before they will want to do the same activities.

See, another glass of wine and you won't care what they're doing. My ...Dh has just let our 14 year old go to the chip shop (on his skates) when I assumed he was taking him. "Oh he'll be alright is not the respnse I needed and am now fretting that I cannot drive on four glasses of wine and where the f. hell is he!??!! Mn's are good with advice aren't they?! Maybe we could have a Mansnet site for all those awkward/shitty moments when yopu know you love them, they're dozy barstewards but AAGGGGHHHH!!!!

JollyMum - Is he back yet? I would offer to drive for you, but I have downed THREE glasses of wine farting about on the NET. Oh and BTW I have no idea where you are, so a fat lot of good I am. It could take me three days to reach him!
Thanks for your messages - thanks for the suggestions Saker. Tomorrow is DANCE DAY.

Yes he's back and I've just realised how hungry I am. Is it immoral to beg for chips?!! I can see another thread coming very soon as Ds said that Dh said he could go, as long as he was quick and didn't play on the fruit machines!! (Another MN thread but not now!). Oh well, nearly time for bed but as Dh is "relaxing" in chair outside with a fag and a boring book, it's once again up to me to beat small people into submission(only joking) and get the little buggers to bed. Smoking thread alert-11 months today I gave up!! Very proud of myself and wondering, as of this minute, WHY??!! Just you wait until school starts-it'll be back to 6.00 o'clock bedtime for everyone, including me!!!!

OK, what's DANCE DAY or am I being really thick?

JollyMum.... please keep up! Saker had some great suggestions for keeping the peace and dancing together sounds great. Where's my Abba CD? Tomorrow were are dancing. Both my sons have great rhythmn....
Well done on the no smoking BTW. I quit November 2001 and love being a non-smoker. I'll never go back... even after a few glasses of wine... never.... ever.... never .... ever (convinced?)
How many kids have you got?

Nothing to do with the thread I'm afraid but you two did make me smile, keep it up ladies
Ive got all this to look forward to with 2 dd's of 2 & 6wks.........help !

Sorry Have 4 of the wotsits, 14, 11, 9 and nearly 6. Have own business teaching music and love my kids to bits, only one at a time, or various combinations but four at once should be any Olympic Gold event! Dancing together, minimal biting/restraint/sitting on the SAME settee at the SAME time is a major achievement! And you think yours fight!

EvanMom, I have three girlfriends with two boys each (as well as other friends I might add!) and they all complain about how jealous the first one is. They complain bitterly as they love DS1, want to spend time caring and playing with DS2 which DS1 highjacks, and they feel so bad about it.

I have come to the conclusion that if you have a boy first then another, the first feels threatened and explodes. If you have a boy then a girl, its easier. If like me you have a girl, then a boy its even easier. My dd still wants my attention (of course) but she is a little helper at the same time.

I haven't read the sibling rivalry (how to avoid) book, but it sounds like good advice. And the bubbles and dancing sounds like a good recommendation. Boys need to run off their energy and if you can get them to do something together (when ds2 is old enough) that takes teamwork and is physical, they may enjoy each other IYSWIM.

Just re-read Saker's thread. One note of caution-don't ger really, really cheap bubbles. All my kids that I teach love them, but they get really upset if a) the bubbles don't emerge or b) that "teacher" is hopping around clutching her eyes shouting "it's alright, **is fine, just got a little bubble mixture in my eye" by which time most of the mums are hysterical and I'm wishing that I hadn't got the bloody bubbles from the £1.00 no bubbles cheap crappy washing up liquid shop. No liabilties hopefully, maybe I made a mistake (for legal purposes!) but don't go there!

ChicPea - thanks for that. I have always thought two boys are hard work!
Wow 4 kids, JollyMum. I now understand your chat name.......... you've lost it... haven't you? Seriously, that sounds like a lot of work and I'm small fry, I realise that now.

As I'm in the "I want more kids" game, I thought I'd ask.... planning any more? ...... no, I didn't think so. Silly question.

Just cooked for dh who walked in all tired and stressed. Guess what? I made a reall hash of dinner. Yuk.

LOL JollyMum!