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Really angry 4 year old. Please help

9 replies

user1495827045 · 21/10/2018 19:19

Just as background Our son was 4 in July. He started reception at school in September and has just had a sister who is a month old. Before this he was a loving and kind little boy who we would love being around. He now appears to have turned into Jekyll and Hyde. He tells us he hates us non stop and when we say no to something or ask him.to do something he doesn't want to then he becomes really angry - he will scream at the top of his lungs how much he hates us, he will try hitting himself or throws himself around and just screams over and over, it can be over really silly things, the other day we were leaving his friends house and he was fine until we got in the car and his friend said goodbye - my son got himself out and started refusing to come back - crying and saying 'i hate you and 'i hate your car' 'i hate home' until eventually he got back in. Tonight he got angry when my husband said he couldn't put his new electronic train In the bath, he threw himself around and ended up hurting his foot on the door - he then screamed and shouted further saying it was daddy's fault and that he hit him! When i said he hadnt and that he had thrown himself against the door, his reponse was still to tell us it was our fault. Then in the bath, he was told when we go to look at Christmas decorations tomorrow it is to simply look and not buy anything - with this he proceeded to hit my husband over and over, screaming how angry he is. He then got put the bath having not been washed so I put him back in, I told.him because he hit daddy his new train from nana and grandpops was going away in the cupboard. My son got extremely angry and started hitting me and himself and screaming over and over how much he hates us and how angry he is. He then threw a toy in my face which has caused a small bruise and slight bleeding. He was told no books or me staying with him until he sleeps tonight. I put him to bed and said goodnight. He has just stayed with my in-laws as a special treat for the beginning of half term and they said he was as good as gold but noticed when my husband picked him up that his behaviour changed and he wouldn't do as he was told . He is brilliant with his new sister and school have not raised any concerns (which I guess they would if they experienced this, in fact I asked and they said he is doing really well) so I am emotional and at a loss as what we have done wrong or what is causing this behaviour. Tonight I have been in tears with my husband as I feel like our loving boy has totally disappeared. He also said 'f-ing' several times tonight laughing which we never say at home so I also had to tell him not to say this. I am not looking for judgements just some advice or reassurance that we are not the only ones experiencing this behaviour. :( any advice?!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
user1495827045 · 21/10/2018 19:24

Just to add he has been receiving plenty of attention and we had a fabulous half term planned but now I am considering cancelling plans dependent upon behaviour

OP posts:
Rosesared · 21/10/2018 19:26

No advice/experience. Just Flowers

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2018 20:01

Wow that’s a lot of change in a tiny persons life. Not only is he having to adjust to the demands of starting school but his whole family has changed too.

My first thought is that he could be really, really tired. Could you try moving bedtime forward by half an hour?

Half term is an important time for them to relax and reconnect at home. Have you got some things planned at home like baking, maybe a carpet picnic or watching a film together?

The book Calm Parents, Happy Kids should help you all while he adjusts to all of the changes too Thanks

lovelypumpkin · 21/10/2018 20:58

I think that it is a good idea to explain to him what behaviour was not ok, eg hitting isn't allowed, but I think by not staying with him until he slept/reading a story you may be making him feel worse which would produce worse behaviour. Is it possible that something happened at the ILs which upset him? Or at school? You have picked up on the language which he will have heard somewhere. I would try spending lots and lots of quality time with him, playing and talking and going out for walks and keep him close, and calm, and hopefully things will calm down a bit, and you may be able to find clues re behaviour. Behaviour is communication at this age.

Mummygoogler · 25/10/2018 00:00

Not on your own! I could have written this. I've lit just written a post about my 4 year old telling me he wants to kill me and daddy. Im a teacher in a behaviour school and can handle awful behaviour yet I have no idea how to deal with my son...Nothing works. Sending hugs

MumUnderTheMoon · 25/10/2018 11:57

Children usually take their frustrations out at home because they feel secure there. They put all their energy into being well behaved at school or with nanny etc and then it all comes out at home. Be firm with him that you will not tolerate this behaviour but validate how he is feeling eg "I can see that you are very angry now and that is ok you are allowed to be angry but you cannot hit me that is unacceptable" and then some form of punishment that you think is reasonable. seems like your doing the best you can. When my dd starts a new behaviour that I haven't had to cope with before I often feel like I'm floundering a bit.

rainingcatsanddog · 25/10/2018 13:36

There's a lot of changes going on in his life. He needs lots of reassurance and understanding while he adjusts physically (school) and emotionally (new sibling) It's very common to regress when a new sibling comes along. 

rainingcatsanddog · 25/10/2018 13:38

This term is really long and they all need a break. Make sure that there's both fun and chill out time scheduled.

macmacaroon · 03/11/2018 19:08

My DS1 was very aggressive and angry after his lil bro was born and it was awful. Hitting scratching etc. He's just started school and is described as a " delight" but at home he's letting loose - not listening, saying "f-ing" and saying stuff "stinks" - things he's picked up there. My advice on the swearing is not to overreact - turn the other way/making him think he's got the wrong word "oh you mean bugging". I blew my top first time he said "f@ing" and it made him do it over and over so was the wrong thing. The aggressive behaviour blew over once he'd adjusted to his sibling so we just had to sit that one out. Sending love.

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