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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

anyone else have 4 year old who cries and moans most of the day?

29 replies

ilovecake · 14/06/2007 17:54

DD is drivng me mad. Everytime I collect her from pre-school she cries all the way home - either because we are not going to her friends house or she doesnt like what we are going to have for lunch (whatever it is). Its so upsetting I wish she could just smile and look pleased to see me! Then we get home and she cried at the dinner table and then because I say it's time to turn to TV off. I feel i dont know what makes her happy. When I ask whats wrong she always says she is tired - but she has 12 hours sleep a night and other kids seem to cope with pre-school - shes been going since she was 2.5! I try ignoring, shouting, sending her to her room. Does anyone else have one of these and do you have any advice on how to manage it? Have DS at 1 and it gets really tiring when she is on one.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gobbledigook · 14/06/2007 17:55

Yep me. GOod innit!

RedLorryYellowLorry · 14/06/2007 17:56

Yes he can be a grump. We've started to call him Victor after Victor Meldrew. Hurry up Septemer and full time school pleesse.

Marne · 14/06/2007 17:56

dd1 (3.5) is always like this, god i'm pleased i'm not the only one with this problem

Original poster

ilovecake · 14/06/2007 18:01

So I'm not the only one. What do you do to avoid losing the plot?

OP posts:

Gobbledigook · 14/06/2007 18:26

Tbh, the 'how to talk so kids will listen blah blah' advice does work - if you can muster the energy to do it.

So ds2 was just having a paddy about getting out of the bath - he said 'I don't want to get out of the bath' and I said 'I'm sure you don't but it's tough, out you get'. My response should have been 'I know, wouldn't it be lovely if you could stay and play in the bath allll night'.

YOu are supposed to acknowledge what they are grumpy about and be sympathetic etc - it really works but you feel a right muppet doing it!

See if you can find cod's thread!

Original poster

ilovecake · 14/06/2007 18:34

Yeah have that book - just finding time to read it and remembering to use it! I find it hard to really understand what is upsetting her. Will look for thread.

OP posts:

Bodkin · 14/06/2007 19:07

Maybe just one afternoon nap a week might help, if she really is suffering from tiredness? Can you go for a drive, say on a wednesday afternoon (1 - 2pm) after pre-school (if she won't nap at home anymore) so she can just have a bit of a top-up in the middle of the week. My DDs (3.5) behaviour, patience and commonsense really deteriorates as the week goes on, but I find if I can squeeze a midweek nap in it does help. Just an hour or so does the trick, and then I put her to bed at the usual time. She is a bit groggy when she comes round from the nap at first, but if I have something exciting planned (or a nice snack to eat) she usually rallies and is then charming for the rest of the day!

Pre-school can be exhausting for them, and not all kids can manage on 12 hours a night. I believe in the States they make pre-schoolers have a nap (but feel free to correct me if that is not right - I think I saw it in "Daddy Day Care" )

Original poster

ilovecake · 15/06/2007 18:21

Thats a good idea thanks for that one.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 15/06/2007 18:29

I haven't read that book but it sounds like a very good approach. I was going to say that it sounds like you need to get her on your 'team' a bit rather than it being strictly parent/child; have discussions with her, ask her for her opinion or what her suggestions are.

I sort of HAD to take this approach with my ds, he pretty much demanded it and expected to be included! It's worked a treat though because we are used to negotiating and it's second nature now.

Just things like when you get her from pre-school, she can choose from two options you give her for lunch (or if you're brave she could choose what she likes). If she cries at the dinner table get her involved; "shall we sit here or have dinner outside today?"

I imagine she is saying she is tired because she cannot actually articulate the subtleties of what she's feeling, which may be "I wish I was a grown up like you mum, and could choose what to do much more and have some control".....

I think give her more control and ask her more for her suggestions; if she has to get out of the bath, for instance, focus on her next choice - what will she wear for bed, what snack will she choose, etc etc.

This approach has certainly worked for me, anyway. Ignore me if you've already tried it all!

CarGirl · 15/06/2007 18:31

Hate to tell you this but my 4yo is like that and she's at school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Turns 5 soon, they are more shattered by school so be prepared........

tuppy · 15/06/2007 18:36

My ds3 is 3.5 and can be like this at times. He was like this all the time during the autumn (ie at rising 3 and just 3) and I put it down to fatigue at having just started a.m. playgroup, adjusting etc.

I found a combination of just a little sympathy and quite a lot of firmness worked quite well.

"But I don 't wanna go home. I wanna go to the park waahhhh"

"Yes I know but it's raining. The swings and slide will be all yucky and wet. You'll get a wet bottom, so we're going home instead"

(reduced wailing now at a low level grumble)

"But I don't want it to rain>winge winge"
"Never mind. Is this the right way home ?"

Very wearing all the time but it does help.

onlytheone · 15/06/2007 21:44

I have one too! Have not had a meal all week without her screaming, crying and falling in a heap on the floor. It can go on for hours and every suggestion brings on another bout of a wappy fit! She fixates on something and goes on and on like a bowl "too wet" when it is absolutely dry! I find it very wearing. Sometimes getting her off the floor and giving her a hug helps and she also says she is tired (again after 12 hours of sleep) but also has said "I am frustrated" (heard Daddy say that) and "you shout at me" (yes, occasionally I do!). I feel pretty helpless and powerless and sorry that she has spends a fair amount of her day with me like this.

NuttyMuffins · 15/06/2007 21:45

Yep Ds is exactly like this, so so so grumpy, and will cry at the drop of a hat.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/06/2007 22:20

YES!!!!!! Have had an awful day of it today. TRuly fed up.

auburnmum · 15/06/2007 22:31

DD (4.8) also like this at times. Sooo glad to hear that other 4 year olds are tired too. I am always a bit nervous that she seems to have less energy reserves than her friends.

Anyway, a friend gave me some brillinat advice for coping with strops. Tried it with DD with spectacular results

When she starts on about something. Stay calm and repeat the problem back to her. Ask her what she thinks is the best thing to do. You may be amazed at how creative they can be.

A recent example. DD and DS both holding onto same toy (toy computer), tugging, pulling and bellowing at each other.

DD (shouting): I want it but he won't let me have it.
Me (calmly): OK, so there's one computer and two people who want to play with it. What do you think we should do?
DD: (instantly dropping toy) One of us can play on the real computer. There you go.

And off she runs to play on the real computer. . Previously I would have had to prise it from their little hands, confiscate it and put up with them both breaking their hearts over it.

There have been numerous instances like this. Won't hurt to give it a go, eh???

DontCallMeBaby · 15/06/2007 22:35

DD is 3.3 and like this a fair amount ... so wearing. Today hasn't been too bad, but we've had tears because 'Baby Ivan' has to go 'home' soon. Baby Ivan is a small blue stuffed rabbit which belongs to my parents, he is with us for a holiday while they're on their holiday. He's been here a week, and has three weeks to go, but I cannot get through to DD what an infinitely long time that is and just get moaning that she will miss him when he goes home. Then moaning and crying because her friend will miss her when we go home, causing her to fall off friend's doorstep and hurt her bum, so when we get home and DH gets in the door he gets 'waaaah I hurt my bottom' instead of 'yay, daddy!'. All topped off by her parading about the dining room with a bowl of risotto and declaiming 'yuck' at the top of her voice. Thanks, kid. Apparently the rice element was so disgusting she had to eat the ham, which is a step forward as she won't normally eat any meat that's not a sausage.

It's all I can do not to yell 'just bloody cheer up, will you?' whilst being ironically grumpy myself.

tortoise · 15/06/2007 22:40

I am so glad i am not the only one with a grumpy 4 yr old!
She is driving me up the wall with the whinging and tears over everything.

kittywits · 15/06/2007 23:01

All 6 of my kids moan all the time, bloody awful isn't it?

auburnmum · 15/06/2007 23:19

Dontcallmebaby. Congrats on the ham-eatage. As my DH said to me wistfully the other day "wouldn't it be great if our kids would eat someting other than offal?"

Original poster

ilovecake · 16/06/2007 12:09

Totally agree Dontcallmebaby with the "just cheer up" thing - we went out for a bike ride the other day and DD cried half of the way round - it's too fast, i'm tired etc (it was a 10 min ride round the block) - i just want to scream "it's fun!!!".

I know comments about diverting attentions and giving options are so right - thanks for that. Have been trying to be more positive last couple of days - offering her a hug when she is crying and saying i understand she is tiredor fed up that we had to leave her friends house etc.
Cheers everyone.

OP posts:

dollybird · 18/06/2007 20:41

I have a 5 yo and a 3.9 yo and it's always one or other of them whingeing and whining. We never seem to be able to get both happy at the same time! If they won't calm down, we usually resort to sending them out of the room onto the stair to calm down. Sometimes works - not always!

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 18/06/2007 22:29

I haven't read the whole thread but could she be anaemic do you know? If you pull down the bottom eye lids, do they look pale inside? Are her gums pale? It might be worth ruling out that there's a medical reason for her being tired.

ekra · 19/06/2007 10:23

Oh yes - I have one of those. She doesn't cry so much but she moans and whinges and nothing is quite right or good enough.

I use a variety of strategies depending on how much eneregy, patience and imagination I have on the given day.

Distraction - completely change the subject.
Empathy - agree with her and make it about me "Yes, I'm cold too".
Call her bluff in a friendly breezy way "Oh dear, if you haven't got enough energy to walk to the shop, perhaps you won't have enough to go swimming later"
Sympathy and make the problem hers - "That sounds terrible. What do you think would make it better?"
Frustration - "Oh please DD1! Just sit down and finish your lunch!"

I'm sure there are positives to this personality type.

Enid · 19/06/2007 10:23

mine is 4.8 and sensitive as hell atm - like permanent pmt, weepy etc

She is so knackered poor love and jsut wants extra cuddles

Aloha · 19/06/2007 10:24

Get How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It's horribly American but does work. Cod got me into it. It's the no-shout solution!

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