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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Complete lack of separation anxiety - doesn't DS love me?!

22 replies

blob2be · 14/06/2007 10:54

DS is 8 months and apparently isn't the least bit bothered when I leave the room or leave him with people he doesn't know. He is a bit quieter with strangers than those he knows but will never kick up a fuss. I know that other mums hate how their babies are so clingy and think that i should count myself lucky - but I just wish that I knew that DS loved me above anyone else!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Ash80 · 14/06/2007 10:59

I completly understand how you feel! My 9 month ds is quite happy to carried by everyone and doesn't seem to bothered if i leave the room. Im glad that is a friendly social baby, but i do worry at times if he has bonded with me and weather i did something wrong.

Ash80 · 14/06/2007 11:00

Oops...sorry for all the spelling mistakes, i typed it too fast.

nogoes · 14/06/2007 11:03

Ds is like this and he is 2.10! I worried also but I think it may just be that I am not overly anxious when I leave him so he doesn't feel it is anything to worry about, that is what I tell myself anyway!

Pruners · 14/06/2007 11:03

Message withdrawn

admylin · 14/06/2007 11:04

Enjoy it, I'm sure he loves you but it's better like that than have a clingy anxious dc. My 2 were extreme when they were small and it drove me mad. If we were down in the garden and I just wanted to walk to the bins at the end of the garden they would drop everything and run after me as if I was going to abandon them. Same if I went to the letter box.

WinkyWinkola · 14/06/2007 11:05

I've never felt that my DS loves me above anyone else. I don't really mind about that. I expected him to but he just doesn't! He loves his dad more than anyone else though!

I guess some kids are just more self contained and independent than others. But your DS does love you. There is no doubt about that!

Original poster

blob2be · 14/06/2007 11:10

Aw thanks everyone, is very reassuring to hear that he's not the only one who doesn't long for his mummy all the time! Is the common link that all the non-clingers are boys? Are boys less clingy generally?

OP posts:

goodmorningday · 14/06/2007 23:19

i just wanted to post while i sit here feeding ds2. my ds1 now 3yrs has always been very independant andnever had a seperation anxiety phase. i did used to feel a bit put out about this...but i do believe it makes for a highly sociable child and not a skirt clinger (i dont mean that in an unkind way!)however ds2 who is only 4mths is extremely clingy so far and it is very wearing...it is lovely being all they want and i do appreciate it( he is my precious snuggly baby) but it is getting in the way of my close but independant relationship with ds1

Twinklemegan · 14/06/2007 23:20

Aww blob. Don't worry. I can hardly ever stop DS crying but DH seems to have the magic touch. I often panic that it's because I'm a WOHM and he's a SAHD but I think babies are just fickle tbh.

PrettyCandles · 14/06/2007 23:48

Ds1 and dd both started having hysterics from about 6m if they were left with strangers. Ds2 is 8m, and all he'll do is look vaguely worried for a moment, maybe assess the stranger for a little while, before launching into play or flirting.

When I turn up again, rather than burst into tears and despair for me, as his brother and sister used to do, he will beam when he sees me and charge over with great grin and gurgles of delight.

Different babies, different personalities.

Whether the baby loves you isn't about how he behaves when you're not around, but about how he behaves when you are around.

Twinklemegan · 14/06/2007 23:54

I reckon as well that the confidence that your 8 month old seems to have must reflect the trust he has in you. He knows you'll come back and he's secure in your love for him and his for you.

nappyaddict · 15/06/2007 01:24

ds doesn't get really get stranger anxiety. he will cry if left on his own but it doesn't matter to him whether i leave the room and leave him on his own or someone else does. as long as someone is with him he is happy. he is one in 10 days.

Blueblob · 15/06/2007 10:14

It's still fairly early for many babies to show signs. I think around 12 to 24 months is the main age but of course varies from child to child. Can start earlier can go on longer.

I think also that the signs of a child not being attatched to their main carer is more complicated than if they scream or not. I'd say going quiet is a good sign they recognize that you're not there and they're not so much at ease.

One of my children was quite bad at screaming and would run to me when I came back. He used to follow me round the house from 10 months. The other one carries on playing, happily plays in his own room. However you can tell he noticed when I came back.

What I'm saying is he does love you Maybe hasn't got to that stage yet, maybe has a more easy going personality. Whatever you do enjoy him whilst he's like this

Bodkin · 15/06/2007 17:56

My DD has never had separation anxiety either. I don't think that's a bad thing or something to be concerned about - that's just the kind of kid she is - self-contained, independent etc. Now she's 3.5, she gives me big hugs and says "I really like you mummy" I have tried to explain that the word is "LOVE" and I tell her that I love her all the time, but she insists on using "like"! Kids eh?!

babybore · 17/06/2007 20:28

I remember feeling same way as you at 8 months. Now she is 11 months and is starting to show that I'm no.1! When she is tired or had a bump she puts out her arms to me and only stops crying when I take her. I don't think separations anxiety comes properly for some babies until they get a bit older. She is generally still v. sociable and independent though and that is good!

TheArmadillo · 17/06/2007 20:34

ds (2.8) has never suffered from seperation anxiety or particularly preferred me over anyone else.

Recently (last month or so) he specifically calls for me, or wants to sit on my lap over say dp's, but that's the worst it's got.

Obviously he is much easier than a clingy child, but there is that part of you that says 'does he love me?'

With ds as he's got a bit older it is blatantly obvious that he does love me (which I always knew really). But it sometimes used to feel wierd (coming from a family where everychild had been clingy, I wondered what I had done wrong).

And there are plenty of upsides to it. I don't think I could have coped with a clingy child. Its nice to be recognised as special sometimes though.

stressteddy · 17/06/2007 20:38

Oh darling, my very first question on mn was about this. Now my son is a fair bit older and the affection is there
I am sure that it simply means that your son is very secure and very independent

I know it's horrid because you feel as though they should show you a bit more and also there is the pre-conceived notion of mum's and their sons but I don't think that's necessarily true

Your son is taking you for granted and everyone else has novelty value
Love to you
XX

jennifersofia · 17/06/2007 20:50

That reminded me of the first day at nursery - dd kept asking me 'when are you going mummy?' not because she was anxious about me not being there, but because she wanted me to leave so she could get on with things!
Some children are just independent little things from day 1, for better or worse. I know how you feel though..

lizziemun · 17/06/2007 21:01

DD is 3 1/2yrs and has never had any separation anxiety, she is a very independent.

I have always beleived this is because she knows i will always came back for her.

Now if i go out without her when i come back she likes to sit on my lap reading her books saying "i realy lub you mummy".

LEMONADEGIRL · 17/06/2007 21:53

Ds of 8mths has never shed a tear for me at leaving him at nursery. On the in laws taking for the afternoon I arrived to collect him to be told how happy he had been all afternoon - I feel awful. Just wish there was as a sign he missed me.

Really know how you feel

kittywits · 17/06/2007 22:28

it shows your childen are secure and confident. Don't wish anxiety on them just to 'prove' their love for you

Ceebee74 · 18/06/2007 08:40

My DS is exactly the same - he is now 11 months and has never been in the slightest bit bothered at me leaving him at nursery - and when I go and pick him up, he just gives me the widest, biggest smile that melts your heart and comes rushing over for a cuddle.

He did go through a slight phase when he was about 9 months - for about 2 weeks, he cried whenever me or DH left the room and he was very wary of my parents (who he only sees every few weeks) but he was still ok to be left at nursery - but it literally did last 2 weeks and then he got over it.

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