Any tips welcome - 5 year old tantrums on leaving her at school

[jayneg]

Hi Everyone

I'm just wondering if anyone else out there can help. My daughter will be 6 in December and is in her 3rd term at school. Two weeks before half term she started crying as her left her in the classroom. This has now escalated into fully blown tantrums and rages including pulling my clothes, legs and fingers. She starts working herself up on waking and asking how many days of school till the weekend, then looks for all manner of reasons why she could be cross about going to school. She calms down after 10 minutes and is usually very good during the day. She has plenty of friends, is very capable and enjoys school other than this morning thing. The other thing she likes to get worked up about is me being late (I was once and she went to after school care - which she goes to 1 day a week anyway). Now I look back I can see that the crying thing started just the week after I was late. So it all boils down to that I think. I now make a point of being early.

She likes school, apart from this morning issue and it is really getting us all down. She's in a prep school, class of 14 kids and all very kind. I've spoken with the teacher who says she is excellent all day and happy apart from this separation issue.

I have tried positive reinforcement, sticker charts, bribery. I am now considering sanctions. Frankly I am at my wits end. I am really anxious that we knock this on the head before the holidays as I think if it goes over into September things will not be good at all.

Has anyone else had the same thing? Any ideas would be fantastic. Thanks

Have you tried anyone else taking her to school? Her dad, one of your friends? Is she punishing you for being late, so maybe someone else taking her would break the cycle?

jayne, my ds had a phase like this - he's at the same stage as your dd, third term of school though he won't be six till August 2008! (point of interest, the age difference in one year!)Anyway, I digress.

I say hang in there. This will not last.

I know it seems that it will at the moment but really, ride it out. Things will be fine before you know it. My ds did exactly as you describe; some mornings he was crying about school from the moment he woke (6am) till the moment we got to school at 9am. I felt AWFUL and it's not an exaggeration to say that I felt our lives were ruined by this. I couldn't bear the thought of his unhappiness and really started to question whether he'd ever be able to go to school, would I have to Home Ed, and how the hell would we pay the mortgage??

However, within about three weeks this phase was gone and he now skips to school grinning all over his face and he asks to go on a Saturday!

Also, I DO think it's a good idea if maybe her dad could take her once or twice, to break the cycle as Panda says.

But I really think just ride it out, calm and consistent. I would say don't apply sanctions; she's only 5, she isn't doing this to manipulate, she's simply venting her feelings. Good luck.

Hi PandaG

My husband works away but he took her for two days this week. First day she just cried. Second day it was a fully blown tantrum.

Thanks for your advice Honoria. I do feel dreadful and am finding it hard to concentrate at work, even though I know she's fine really. It's just getting the whole family down.

Hopefully she'll come through it like your son did.

Oh, sorry that didn't work. Would asking the teacher or TA to text you once she had settled make it any easier for you to leave her? You know that she is happy once hse has settled, and it is you who feels dreadful as you leave her in tears, so maybe it would be easier on you if you knew she had settled quickly. I used to text parents to let them know their DC were happy whenI was CMing

My dd was always like this - she hated the moment of goodbye and clung and wailed. I tried everything - rewards, sanctions, someone else taking her..everything. Nothing worked - I'm sorry to say. She was the same whenever she had to part from me. BUT she was absolutely fine once she was in and I was gone. I used to sit on the wall outside school, and they would phone me once she was happy and settled. I never sat there for more than 5 minutes - usually it was 2! I have to say that she still found parting difficult until she was in year 5, but she learnt how to deal with it. We were talking about it at the weekend, and she said that she always felt as if there was an invisible glass wall between her and me on one side and the activity - school, gym, party, whatever on the other side. She said that she had to learn how to break the wall to get through, and the wall got easier and easier to break as she got older.

She only recently broke the wall between her and sleep-overs, and she soon has to break the one between her and a week long activity holiday!

Sorry that was sho long - I really feel for anyone in this position - it's heartbreaking, but it does get better, I promise!!!!

And here I was hoping (against hope) for a quick fix! Thanks Kate, I'll just hang on in there I guess. I just feel bad and then I get cross, which I know is totally counter productive.

Panda - thanks, I think I will get the TA to text me.

I used to get livid!!! One of my most shaming memories is of shrieking like a fishwife at her at gym club. She ADORED gym, but we were a few minutes late and all the other little girls had gone in already so she just wouldn't go in. I completely lost it and dragged her back to the car with her wailing "mummy, mummy I'll go in now" and me snarling "No you won't we're going sraight back home and you're never coming here again" Lord, I can feel myself blushing as I recall it! I'm sure one of the gym coaces still looks at me in a funny way every time he sees me and it was 5 years ago!