Oppositional Defiant Disorder in 11 year old boy

[MuddlingThrough]

We've had difficulties with our older son for ever. He's 11 and has been extremely defiant, oppositional, touchy, since he was about three. I've been looking up Oppositional Defiant Disorder on the internet and it seems to match him with aamzing accuracy (though he is only challenging at home: with all other adults he is exremely shy, and his behaviour at school is absolutely fine -- this suggests our own behaviour as parents is probably partly to blame).
Does anyone have any advice for coping. I'd like to work on giving him coping strategies, building his self-confidence, and calming myself and my husband down (as well as on protecting my younger son from all the tension that's been generated).
Trouble is, my older son seems to be deliberately blind to the fact that his behaviour is difficult. He always blames Mum, Dad, brother -- though in calmer moments he struggles towards self-understanding.
He is very bright (yes, I know all mums say that, but his performance at school is really good) and I'd like to show him some info about ODD to help build his self-understanding (and give him some of the emotional relief we all get when we find a name for a problem). Can anyone recommend a website or book that would give an account of ODD suitable for a child to look at?
Many thanks for any help.

have you tried the "special needs" topic?

they are full of the most amazing knowledge

I think the approach you want to take, talking to him about the disorder, is a good one. He will know there is something not right about the situation and like most kids internalises those feelings. But I don't think it is something you should do yourself - you're too close to the situation and also, if may be too much a part of the problem for this to help. Getting an objective, uninvolved third party in who can talk to you, your partner and your son and work out a strategy together would be the best way to go forward. A child psychologist can be invaluable - we had help when son was 12, and a friend of mine found it amazingly helpful after just one session with her son who was having major behavioural difficulties at the time (but just with her).

Hi

Just thought I'd mention that ODD usually comes alongside ADHD. Have you looked at the symptoms of ADHD?

Thanks all of you for your helpful replies. Custardo, thanks: I'll trawl through the special needs thread this evening when I'm not (supposed to be) working.
Gategypsy, I really agree with you that we need an uninvolved, professional, person to help us all. But my son really really resists the idea of going to talk to anyone. Any hints on how to persuade him to feel more positive about approaching a professional?
Re ADHD, Frascati, I don't really know enough about this to say whether he might come under that category too. He seems to be able to concentrate well. He's fine at school and at home he can settle down to a book, or the computer. He's very lively, though, and needs to hear requests very clearly and frequently to absorb them.
I think that if there is any associated condition in him it might be depression. He's very shy at school, and there is a family history of depression.

There is a Mner whose ds has this - won't mention her name but i am sure that she will come along soon. Agree that you should post in special needs section

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