Discipline techniques with toddlers

[Bethy1995]

Good morning,

My son is now 19months and really starting to test boundaries. He is my first child so I'm really looking for advice on what techniques to try with him to control his behaviour rather than him taking control of the situation.

It's getting me so stressed now I dread taking him anywhere.

He'll start behaviours such as smacking me in the face, pinching me when he doesn't want to do something I've asked, biting etc.

He's also doing things that are quite dangerous such as turning plug sockets on and off and climbing on the dining table.

He understands yes and no as occasionally when I tell him no he will stop however most of the time he turns and laughs at me then carries on what he was doing.

What are your opinions on the naughty step at this age? I'm looking for advice not judgement so please don't slate me for posting.

With a toddler remember that while they understand "no" and that they're not allowed in certain places they don't have great impulse control so often simply can't stop themselves from doing things - especially when angry or upset. If they're very angry sometimes you just have to use calm empathy and give words to their feelings. "Wow that was really frustrating you really want to play with that, but please use gentle hands with mummy".

It generally works better to use positive statements so tell them what they should do more than what they shouldn't. e.g. "that's really dangerous so we can't play with that but we can have a look at this instead" and as much choice as possible "We have to get ready to go out now do you want to wear wellies or trainers?".

In general though toddlers have poor impulse control and emotional regulation so they will probably do things you tell them not to and have tantrums and meltdowns. It passes though. You just have to try your best to stay calm and keep repeating and empathising.

watching with interest (regularly have issues with my slightly older toddler

holesinthesoles I've read countless websites recommending this "gentle discipline". but it just doesn't work, i've been trying it for months!! yes, it is one way to respond when something bad has happened, but for example, it does not make the do what you need them to do, either that time, or on subsequent occasions, even months later. It might make for a confident, happy child, but it does not make for an obedient one imho

e.g there are certain situations where i need my toddler simply to do as they are told. It is something they do not want to do, and do not understand why it is important, and won't for years - washing, brushing teeth, letting mummy wipe you after a nappy change, holding hands or wearing reins or sitting in a pram in a busy car park or near a road). In these situations, i need the child to learn that when mummy asks them to do something, they need to comply, even if they don't want to. The child is too young to reason with.

It's really frustrating when all the advice is for positive reactions and reasoning and other things which may well set the scene for your child doing things when much older and able to understand, but does not give advice practically on how to MAKE them do what MUST be done, now. Especially when we are told we must not offer treats/bribes

bethy

imho naughty step can "work" but probably not in the way it does with older toddlers. It works for me with my 21 mo old in the sense that it removes him from the room & from my attention. I find he stops getting so tantrummy if he simply cannot see the effect it is having on me/others. Plus moving him from wherever he was seems to distract him etc.

However, its a struggle to do it in a way that makes it clear it is not a game. I find i have to react very steadily and calmly move him over there with little eye contact and very short sentences (no long reasoning he won't understand), e.g. "I'm putting you on the step to calm down".

I'm lucky we have a room where the plug sockets are all unreachable and there's nothing dangerous to climb on or break. If he is on a day where he continues to try and touch them in other rooms, i just move him to the safer room and say "I will not let you touch those they can hurt you." My sister did the same but with a play pen, her son soon learned that if he wouldn't behave he would be put in the play pen!

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I'm so glad you responded with this because whilst that may work with simple distraction tasks I.e. get down off the table/tv unit whilst out and about my son simply laughs at me or pinches/slaps me.

It's horrible to feel like people are judging you too I took him to the park last week and everyone was staring you'd think they've never seen a toddler tantrum before.

I'm at my wits end with it though I did try the naughty step Cleary the explanation failed but after 3 times on there he did get the idea and stopped what he was doing.

I actually think explaining doesn't help, its too complicated and they don't understand. they are tantrummy because they want something, or don't want something etc, or want attention etc, and I find that if i show my son that the tantrum achieves zero, this helps.

conversely I have to constantly remind myself to make sure I do give full attention and praise etc for positive behaviour - i need to ensure i react quickly when he does the right thing to get my attention, like hugging me or using words, even when its not a great moment!

the best advice I've had yet has been practical advice. e.g.
don't repeat instructions. I give a pre warning (OK, in 5 minutes we are going to go and brush our teeth upstairs). Then make sure they are looking at you/paying attention (physically touch their cheek etc to get attention etc if needed) then give instruction ONCE e.g and as a statement not a question "Please come upstairs with me to brush your teeth now". If they respond quickly and do as asked, I thank and praise. If they ignore, wait a couple of minutes, completely ignoring them, giving no attention etc, if they continue to ignore the instruction, just state what is going to happen "we are going to up to brush our teeth" and calmly (but physically if required) make them do what has been asked e.g. carry the child upstairs.

I do not coax/reason/plead. when I acknowledge that my son does not want to brush his teeth, he thinks this means it doesn't have to happen. I wait until we have finished the task, then just say "thank you for letting me brush your teeth, keeping them clean stops them hurting."

The message this sends is

1. what I have asked you to do is going to happen, regardless & without shouting/fight/struggle.
2. instructions don't only become relevant on the third/5th/10th repeat.

nb I apply this with a "pick your battles mentality" - this is what happens when we HAVE to do something. where there is a possibility to offer a choice I do (e.g. do you want to come to the shop with mummy or stay here with daddy and help in the garden).

the frustrating part is nothing seems to stop us having the same battles every day. he is never accepting of me brushing his teeth even tho nothing he has ever done has prevented it happening :(

Hi Bethy1995
Don’t know how helpful this will be. I recently worked with a group of parents where one child was prone to hitting his mother. In fact, in a moment of frustration he hit me! This happened when I told him he couldn’t play with the things I was using. He’s just coming up to 4, so older than your son. The strategy I used was to get down to his level, hold his hands and firmly tell him “you don’t hit (my name), while looking sternly at him. This had to be repeated a number of times. While doing this, he tried to wriggle away from me, but I still kept hold of his hands and kept repeating that he was not to hit me. At one point he started to laugh at me. This is a strategy that he has learnt generally works with the adults around him. My response was “ XX I’m not laughing. You do not hit me.” I had to keep repeating this calmly to him. On letting go of his hands, he walked away and promptly hit his mother. With my support she did the same thing, holding his hands and repeating the hitting was unacceptable. What I noticed was that mum found it difficult to speak ‘firmly’ to him and maintain a look that made it clear she wasn’t pleased with his behaviour. We had to go through the same routine again and again. I think your patience and persistence will eventually pay off - hard though it may seem. When he responds to you without hitting you, do you praise him?

He’d a baby and lacks impulse control. You don’t discipline him at such a young age. You focus on distracting him and gently saying no. As they get older and develop the ability to understand you and to control their emotions a bit more then you can discipline bad behaviour. My eldest is 10 now andhas turned out as well asany other child his age with this approach.

You really shouldn’t feel embarrassed if your baby has a tantrum in public - its totally normal - and all the adults around you were once babies who had tantrums themselves.