3yo hitting

[cosytidy]

Hi
My 3.5yo has always had a habit of hitting other kids-my friends' kids, his sibling etc. Not necessarily out of malice but it hurts them all the same. I tried varying strategies to stop it-shouting, taking him home if he hit, praising good behaviour etc but can't say I saw results from anything. I stopped meeting up with my friends & their kids over it as it clearly pissed them off when he hit their kids. I used to dread picking him up from childcare in case I had another form to fill out & changed his childcare once because of their handling of it.
DS has just started nursery school. Most days I've been pulled aside when picking him up cos of his behaviour, not always hitting but not listening.The 1 time the teacher said he caused 'a healthy & safety risk' cos he wouldn't come in from playtime! He absolutely hates nursery, has to be peeled off me to go, goes into meltdown very day about it.
I just collected him & teacher made me wait & sit down with her cos he hit 2 kids & scratched a teacher's hand today. She said as he's putting the teachers' & kids' safety at risk(her words) they'll be getting the SENCO involved.
I'm distraught. I have a lot of life stress at the mo-which I try to hide from kids-& this has tipped me over the edge.
I used to work with families where there were behavioural problems so I know there is no SEN or anything of concern wrong with him.
Any suggestions for what I can do?

I'm sure nursery are just tying to help. See what they come up with. I know it sounds strange, but a friend is a paediatrician and didn't recognise her own son was Autistic. Another colleague saw it straight away and they had him tested and he is.

Have you tried sitting down and asking him why he hits ? ( without telling him off about it)

Do you think he's frustrated ? Is his talking and communication ok?

Could you try a club with a discipline ? Something he will
enjoy if going out with friends is not an option - gymnastics, trampolining, Taekwondo, yoga for kids, swimming lessons?

Do you get to spend a lot of time together ?

We do spend lots of time together, I work part time. His speech is really good & he seems bright.
I'm a bit loathe to start clubs just yet but I do try to keep him active

Anyone?? At my wits' end

Well if you used to work with kids with behavioural problems what would you advice someone else in the same situation?

I would say 3 is a bit old to be scratching a teachers hand and still regularly hitting. Does he have any other developmental delays? How’s his speech? Had he ever seen hitting at home?

I used to work with families where there were behavioural problems so I know there is no SEN or anything of concern wrong with him.

I'm really sorry but you can't know this for sure. Every child with SN is different, and every family of a child with SN is different. Something isn't right for your DS, he needs help and the nursery are trying to get help for him. We can't tell if he he has SN or not but different kinds of SN show up at different ages and in different situations. You could help him on your side by going to your GP and asking about a referral for assessments.

I know it's not easy but once you know what his issues are (SN or not) then you will be able to support him and he'll have a bright future.